THE
TRANSPORTER
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. Chock full of wholesome goodness, these reviews
can be loaded with your daily dose of nutritional value. This high potency
multivitamin/multimineral review is best read after a full meal. Do not read if
the safety seal bearing "Sealed for your protection" under cap is
torn or missing.
Another
day, another dollar. Minus taxes from your federal government which brings my
motto to 'Another day, another my baby daddy.' After another two month absence,
my creative juices have begun to flow again under this sea of fall movie crap
that we have been having to endure. I mean, did you really think I'd do a
review on Sweet Home Alabama?
Our
'Is he a man or is he French?' movie this week is The Transporter a.k.a. 'Le
Transportier Du France' le Fighteo un Kick Moi Ass' starring Jason Statham as
Frank Martin, a.k.a. The Transporter, a.k.a. 'Le Transportier Du France' le
Fighteo un Kick Moi Ass'. Strange how the character's name and the movie
title's name seem similar...Our superhero type good guy is accompanied by soft
porn Taiwanese actress Qi Shu or Hsu Chi, depending on who she's banging at the
time. If you've seen Jackie Chan's Gorgeous, then you'll know who she is. If
you have not seen it, then you should have because it is a Jackie Chan film.
Minus the horrible Jackie movie The Tuxedo of course, which I will not talk
about here but I seem to be doing anyways. The other cast is not worth
mentioning because I have never seen them before, and or, they are French. The
Transporter was directed by Corey Yuen, a man who seems to have directed every
Jet Li movie every made and every non Jet Li movie ever made. Is this good, or is
this bad? I don't know. I don't have the answer for that.
The
Transporter's plot is simple. Frank lives in France after retiring from the
military. He delivers packages to people he does not know in his beefed up BMW.
He also does not know what he is delivering. You see, he has three rules:
- Never change the terms of the deal.
- Never say names.
- Never look at the package.
So
what happens? All 3 rules somehow, in someway, manage to get broken within
the first 30 minutes leading to fight scenes, bullets, explosions, and French
accents. This leaves us sitting in our seats and throwing our arms up in disbelief
as we shout, "Why couldn't we just watch this guy deliver packages for
ninety minutes?" Amazing. I also have 3 rules that I tend to live my
life by:
- Never change the terms of our agreement to
sleep together even if you didn't agree to it in the first place.
- Never say names. There's no reason to ruin a
perfectly good romantic moment with all of this 'Get to know each other'
crap.
- Always look at my package.
Corey
Yuen manages to serve up a hot plate of martial arts chow mien and car chasing
fortune cookie action. The pace doesn't slow down in The Transporter. If it
did, the audience would realize they are watching a movie that takes place
in France and would get up and walk out. Some of the action suffers from the
usual MTV mindset of "If we edit the hell out of a 2 minute fight scene,
it could look like he's doing some real damage!!". Jason Statham has
actual on screen charisma which carries the weaker points of this film. Some
of the dialogue, plot points, and music just don't work. But I blame that
more on a Hong Kong director who is trying too hard to infuse the Hong Kong
style of action with the crappy non Hong Kong script that was given to him.
Statham looks to be able to fill in Bruce Willis' role as the next almost
bald action hero. Which we need since Bruce left his balls with Demi and they're
probably still packed in a suitcase somewhere under Demi's bed next to her
silicone refilling bags and audio tape of her agent telling her that Striptease
will boost her career. Boy, I like to wander, don't I?
If it's one thing you will learn from this film is that it will follow the typical formula for bad guy etiquette. I have decided to break down the simple rules present in this film that you need to follow if your goal in life is to be a bad guy:
- Get a corporate discount at The Men's Warehouse.
All bad guys must be able to wear dark colored suits with black, no collared
shirts underneath. This will ensure the audience that the person they are
seeing on the big screen and in real life is indeed a bad guy.
- All bad guys must have some sort of facial hair.
Whether it be the gruffy sailor or N'Sync look you're craving, you will
be letting people know that facial hair means "I'm a bad guy. Because
I don't have time to shave unless it's a triple bladed aloe stripped razor
with scented conditioning lotion."
- Learn a martial arts stance. Every bad guy must
learn a classic martial arts stance before getting his ass handed to him
by a good guy who learned martial arts from someone other than Ralph Macchio.
- Don't speak. Speaking to the good guy will only
make you look dumber and will waste time. Talk only to distract your good
guy if other bad guys are creeping up from behind. Take your martial arts
stance and stare maniacally at your opponent. Don't worry. Your backup will
be coming soon.
- Learn to shoot. Most of the time the bad guys
manage to miss when unloading a fully automatic machine gun into our good
guy's vicinity. Though the lessons won't do you much good. As we all know,
bad guys in shows and movies that take place in the future cannot shoot
worth a hill of beans either. So you're pretty much screwed in that category.
But other than that, take the tips I've given you and watch your career
as a criminal skyrocket!
The
Transporter is good action fun for the fall season slowdown. It won't bore
you but it won't thrill you to death either. It entertains you and that's
what going to the movies is all about. But since I am an honest to goodness
straight shooting movie reviewer, I must rate the movie as I see fit. Otherwise
I would be cheating my loving readers. And cheating isn't fair. Unless you're
a bad guy.
My
rating:
-
Full Price
--- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For The RosiePorter: 12,000 Ounces of Juicy Steak Served Over Honey BBQ
Sauce.