ZOOLANDER

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Ya, ya, ya. So I haven't written one of these in a while. I've been busy. Ok, so I haven't been that busy, however, I would like to clear some things up about the content in my reviews:

I am not a racist white bread cracker idiot. Though some of you may think these things, I have nothing but love for my fellow man. I may crack jokes at all types of races in my reviews but they're intended to make you laugh and realize how stupid racism is in the first place. My Godchildren are black, my best friend is black, and my roommate is black. I was the best man at my friend's wedding and he's Hispanic. (Though I never understood the whole piñata thing dropping down right above the bride and groom during their vows.) I grew up the minority and hung around nothing but Asians, Blacks, Hispanics and Whites. I'm as diverse and as colorblind as they come. So if you take offense to anything I write, you're a total jackass and should be shot. I love every Spic, Coon, Wop, Dago, Chink, Slope, Peckerwood, Beaner, and Cracker out there. So chill, vato!

Our " Cry Like A Baby! " movie this week is Zoolander, a.k.a. Stupid Name For A Ben Stiller Movie starring Ben Stiller as Derek Zoolander, the highest paid, most famous male model in the world. Not only is he the best at what he does, but he's also the stupidest human being on the planet next to me. Ben is in direct competition with the most famous action/comedy/drama/horror/martial-arts actor in the world. A man who should be dipped in gold and left on the front steps of every household in America? Owen Wilson as Hansel. I have written about this actor before. And yes, I am being sarcastic. He has, and may never, give up his title of Complete Hollywood Tool. And for your male model villain, which every movie about male models is required to have, we get the funny and scene stealing Will Ferrell as Jacobim Mugatu.

Jacobim's mission is to brainwash Zoolander into killing the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Here's my question...Why Malaysia? The only thing that country ever continues to give us are the most updated sexually transmitted diseases brought over by 19 year old army boys who don't know that when you pay $20 for a job or bob, you're also getting that extra special bonus of genital itching for the next 6 months. These diseases are then contracted into monkeys at the Zoo, who spread them to ice cream cones that are eaten by 7 year old children, then pooped out into our sewer systems, thus coming through every water fountain at your local park, and spreading like wildfire. Go Army.

Not only do we have major $20 million dollar paycheck stars like Owen Wilson in this film, we also have a pletra?.pletherarea?.pluthra?a whole bunch of guest stars. I shall run these stars down for you with a brief description of each:

David Bowie: A musical God. Yet, is he batting for both teams? Only the British can answer that question. And they're not talking.

Fabio: How American men can rip on a guy who can get any woman he pleases, anytime he pleases is beyond me. Other than that, I hold him with the highest respect next to...oh...The Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Vince Vaughn: The original Swinger fresh off of his movie Made with co-star Jon Favreau. Jon has paid me well for the cheap plug?

Winona Ryder: She still reads her lines like she just rose from the dead. Thank you for not changing for your fans Winona.

Billy Zane: Some people say I look like him. Some people smoke crack.

Jon Voight: I don't care what anyone says, the man is doing his daughter Angelina Jolie. He likes to keep things in the family. Lots of things. Things that are black, 12 inches, and vibrate really, really fast. What am I talking about??

Despite all of the guest stars and light hearted good nature of the movie, the male model joke thing tends to wear thin halfway through. Some sight gags, more clever dialogue, and more appearances by Will Ferrell could have propelled this movie into super stardom status. But in the wake of such horrible tragedy...tragedy being that there is nothing worth seeing in theaters right now, some good hearted fun isn't too bad. There are spots where it shines, and spots where you feel like you just watched Rosie walk down a runway in tight lingerie, fall off the ramp, and crush everybody in the first ten rows. Though that alone would have been worth the price of admission.

My rating:

- Full Price
--- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For George Zoolander: Male Moron