X-MEN
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. If you never actually read my reviews but simply
skip to the bottom to check out my rating, then you could be missing
significant cultural, political and social viewpoints that could really open
your mind to things you may not be aware of. Or you realized how full of crap I
am.
When
I went to see the X-Men this weekend I went to the 10:40 showing. I didn't care
about my hangover, or the fact I only had about 4 hours of sleep I wanted to see
this movie. So I get there at 10:38, pick a seat and wait for the movie to
start. I actually had walked into the theater when some commercials had already
begun. I saw a McDonald's commercial that made me want to puke and start
shooting McWorkers. After 10 minutes of commercials we get to the previews
which were another 10 minutes. After 20 minutes the movie started. 20 minutes.
Who is the asshole that approved the showing of commercials before a movie
starts? And who is the genius that is writing these McDonald's commercials?
McDonald's. If one chain of fast food restaurants should burn down it's that
craphole. How can they claim that they serve you actual food? I hope every
McDonald's burns to the ground so they'll stop poisoning the people of the world.
Hell, they even sell McDonald's fries at Disneyland. They're everywhere, like
locusts. I now have to watch commercials when I go to the theater. Disgusting.
I'm disgusted. I'm gonna shut up now. F*** McDonald's.
Our
'super-size me' movie this week is X-Men (a.k.a. Sex-When??) starring Patrick
Stewart as Professor Charles Xavier, the leader of a team of mutant superheroes
called the X-Men that consists of Wolverine played by Hugh Jackman, Cyclops
played by James Marsden, Storm played by Halle Berry, Rogue played by Anna
Paquin, and Jean Grey played by Famke Janssen. The bad guys were Ian McKellan
playing Magneto, Tyler Mane playing Sabretooth, Rebbeca Romijn-Stamos Gonzales
Rodriguez Lopez playing Mystique, Rosie O' Donnell playing Fat Ass Pig Girl, and
Ray Park playing Toad. So now that the insane cast is out of the way, let's get
going.
Here's
the plot. Magneto thinks a war is brewing between humans and mutants and sets
out to mutate everyone so mutantkind eventually rules the world and Xavier
sends out his team of X-men to stop him. That's pretty much it. Xavier trains
his team of X-Men at the Xavier institute where mutants can learn to harness
their powers. Next door to the home of the X-Men is the home of the Y-Men, the
gay superhero team that is always on the receiving end of jokes and harassment
because all they can do is organize parades. Next door to them was the Ci-Men,
a team of Mexican superheros that don't speak any English so they don't when
someone's in trouble and are always too drunk to help out anyway. There was the
A-Men, the Asian superhero team that only drove in Hondas, and finally the
B-Boy Men, the brutha superhero team that will only go out to save someone if
1. It's a white girl with a nice booty or 2. If they've run out of money for
malt liquor. These teams have pretty much decided to let the X-Men handle
everything else.
The
story revolves around Wolverine, a mutant that can pop claws out of his hands
and has an accelerated healing factor. When horny, the claws are substituted for
female pleasuring devices that pop out of his hands. But we don't get to see
that in this movie. Maybe the sequel. It tells us the story of his relationship
to Rogue, a mutant that can steal other people's powers by merely touching them
in their private parts which causes them to pass out. I think that's where she
has to touch them, I'm not too sure. I know I get light headed when I'm touched
there. But enough about the plot, I mean who gives a damn. Is this finally a
good comic book movie? F*cking A it is. This movie kicked ass and then some.
The characters, the action, and especially Hugh Jackman's performance as
Wolverine were fantastic. Finally something good has come out this year. Hell,
I'm gonna go see it again and it's been a while since I've wanted to pay money
to see a movie twice in the theater. I think it's more of a guy movie than a
chick movie but if your girlfriend won't see it, tell her to lighten her Gap
shopping ass up and go check it out she may enjoy it. She won't admit it, but
she may enjoy it.
There
are a few slow spots but it's more for the character development than anything
else. There were a lot of deleted scenes which will make it into the DVD
version, so I'm assuming they had even more character related scenes that were
cut to keep the action and character development evenly balanced. But this was
just a kick ass action movie. Wolverine was the coolest character on screen
that I've seen in a long while. And when the claws pop out of his hands it
looks amazing. You can see the guy just wants to kick someone's butt. And it's
pretty funny when he pops Rosie's character in the ass and she crazily spins
around the room like balloon. I must have laughed for 10 minutes straight.
I
don't want to give out too many specifics like everyone else about why it was
such a bitchin' movie like the special effects, the fight scenes between
Wolverine and Sabretooth, the dialogue between Cyclops and Wolverine, Halle
Berry's perfect body, and the tension of everyone on the team trying to trust
Wolverine. I...ok, so I gave out some specifics...screw you, it's harder to
write these things than you may think. Bryan Singer did an excellent job of
directing and the casting was perfect. And after a $57.5 million opening
weekend, it's guaranteed there'll be a sequel. If there is one movie that has
lived up to the hype so far it's been the X-Men and I'm still in shock over how
much I enjoyed it and I can only see the sequel as being even better.
In
closing this is one flick that delivers in all areas. And regardless of what
you may have read before, you don't have to have any comic book knowledge to
enjoy this picture. I certainly didn't because reading comic books is for geeks
and fags. I may not read comics, but you should see my collection of Pokemon and
Magic the Gathering cards! So go see it and have a good time. Now excuse me, I
have to finish my Egg McMuffin...
My
rating:
--- Full Price
-
Matinee
-
Wait For Video
-
Wait For Cable
-
Wait For Sex-Men, The Porno Version. I'm sure it's coming soon. No pun
intended.