WHAT LIES BENEATH

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. These reviews are for entertainment purp...oops! Sorry, my keyboard was skipping there for a second.

What is the purpose of going to a sneak preview? Why do the movie studios want to show a film early for free? Quite a few reasons actually. Some screenings require you to take a little quiz about what you liked and didn't like about a film. Certain scenes or characters for example. If an ending isn't satisfying for an audience, they can get that information and possibly change the ending before the movies release. When I saw There's Something About Mary a couple of months before it came out I was hoping they'd take out that little putz Brett Favre and put in Steve Young, but it didn't happen. Oh well.

Most studios just do sneak peeks to get buzz and word of mouth going about a film a couple of weeks before it comes out. Plus if the movie is good, more people will want to see it from that good word of mouth. Well, thank the Lord that's not gonna happen with this bad boy!!

Our 'slippery when wet' movie this week is What Lies Beneath (a.k.a. What Every Guy Is Wondering When He Stares At A Hot Chick) starring everyone's favorite archaeologist and bad ass space popsicle Harrison Ford as Norman Spencer, a vet who is working on some serum or is giving a speech or something important. I don't remember. Also in this Golden Globe reject is Michelle Phfhifphiffffffer as Harrison's wife, Claire.

So here's the plot. Follow along. If you read with your finger following the sentences you should be able to make out what I'm about to say. Claire's daughter goes off to college causing Claire to miss her little 'future sorority whore' and she goes into this little depression thing and is imagining that her new neighbor has killed his wife. Halfway through the movie the neighbor thing gets dropped. Hello?? The neighbor, played by James Remar, has got to be the worst actor I have ever seen in the movies. I remember him playing the character Rayden in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. (I interviewed Robin Shue, the lead character in that movie. He was a nice guy so I won't bring up how sorry the movie was. I...damn, I just did...) Truthfully, I don't know how James Remar gets work. The guy reads his lines in the same monotone manner no matter what role he's playing. He sucks egg whites and I wish he would go away. So after Claire starts spying on the neighbors, she begins to notice creepy things happening in her house. And here's where things go from creepy to crappy. Kind of like one of my reviews.

Apparently a dead girl is haunting the house. A victim from a previous crime. The director Robert Zemeckis manages to serve up a few good scares but after you find out what's going on, anything remotely scary goes right down the toilet. Harrison isn't really the co-star in this movie, because Michelle Phifipherlifer gets most of the scenes. The acting is good from both participants but it's the convoluted plot and screwed up way they reveal things that make the movie too tiring. The ending is so laughable that I, well, I laughed at it I guess. It goes from Amityville Horror to Friday The 13th in about a 5 minute span. Once again giving us the ' will he grab her ankle when she walks by him' scene. And the 'how did he get there when she had a good lead?' scene. It sucks. I went from " Wow. This movie made me crap in my pants" to " Wow, crapping my pants would be more exciting than this mess." It's up to you. I'm sure some people enjoyed it and overlooked the whacked up ghost story it tried to be and the sorry ass Jason movie it ended up becoming. Here's some suggestions from me on the four principles involved in this movie:

Michelle 4-lifer: Just wear a skin tight Catwoman outfit in whatever you do, and I'll love you even more.

Harrison Ford: Don't be so damn picky with the new Indiana Jones movie and the current crop of scripts. You're 58 years old now and pretty soon you'll need a cane to go with that fedora.

Robert Zemeckis: Work on Back To The Future 4 and 5 and stay away from anything else. Or do Showgirls 2. The first one sucked.

James Remar: Kill yourself. Please end our suffering of having to watch you on screen again.

Many of you may disagree with my review, but what else is new. Plus I haven't talked to anybody that has even seen this picture yet, so I'm not too worried. What Lies Beneath? Unless it's a hot model underneath my covers, who cares.

My rating:

- Full Price

- Matinee

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- Wait For Indiana Jones 4: The Search For The Social Security Unicorn