WE WERE SOLDIERS

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Our ' Fire at will! Which one's Will?' movie this week is We Were Soldiers ( a.k.a. We Were Playing Soldiers & Indians. ) starring that big time war veteran Mel Gibson as Lt. Commander Hal Moore. Along with Sam Elliot, Greg Kinnear, Chris Klein, & Barry Pepper, we've got another war movie with big name actors to help us dive into the believability of any type of battle conflict. Had Tom Sizemore & Charlie Sheen been in the picture, it would drop this film into the "Holy Moley. I'm gonna go see it again and again!" category. In the female section of our stadium, we have Madeleine Stowe ( Who looks like a mule kicked her in the face. ) and Keri Russell, who went from bad tv actress to bad movie actress in one swift step.

We Were Soldiers takes place in Vietnam. That's right. Another Vietnam movie. Mel leads his troops of clean cut, wholesome white boys into the first major conflict with the Vietnamese in Vietnam. But this time, we get to see Mel's take on the action, as he shows us that personality, emotion, caring, and a good eye for shootin' slant eyes can get you out of any bad situation. Not only do we get to see our American soldiers get killed and the effect it has on the other soldiers, we also get to see the emotional turmoil the wives back home went through. I mean, they were stuck safely at home taking care of their 7 kids. But they went through hell too people. Believe me they did. You ever try and watch 7 kids on your own and run out of Froot Loops? It is not pretty. How about what the Vietnamese went through as well? After all, they had wives, families, and girlfriends who were wearing sandals while picking crops just like us. But that doesn't matter to us Americans, does it? As long as we get to see Wht Private Soldier bond with Army Wife # 4 back home, it gives us, the audience, more of that connected feeling when he gets his brains splattered all over someone else's combat boots. That's one of the things that turned me off about the film. I know, from the 5 million other Vietnam movies out there, the sacrifice and heartache our guys went through. But I want to learn about the other side. I want to know how they dug those tunnels. I want to know where they got the idea to have to dig tunnels out in the middle of nowhere in the first place. Don't you want to know about Vietnamese Soldier # 3? His background? Where he went to school? What about Vietnamese Soldier # 14? He looked innocent enough. Why was he there? Was he expecting a little future soldier in the next village over? Or was he cheating on Vietnamese Girlfriend # 1 with Vietnamese Girlfriend # 23 who lived across the creek? We will never know.

We Were Soldiers starts with the introduction of our main characters and their wives. Mel & Madeleine who have as much on screen believability of husband and wife as Rosie O' Donnell & Tom Cruise would. And Chris Klein & Keri Russell are another couple. Chris Klein is an actor who portrays the exact same character in every movie he's been in, and says his lines in the same low level tone to sound all sweet and innocent. Like he's still in American Pie but got drafted. If you watch the Price Is Right and have every seen The Range Game, it is my belief that Chris Klein has that same big meter that goes up and down in his head, hoping to stop and see if it turns red in the background of his brain. If it does, he may give us a tear, or another way to say "No Sir." without sounding like he got caught peeing on a cop car. Keri Russell is just a waste of screen space and looks like a ventriloquist dummy that was put together with scotch tape and eye gloss. When the two of them kiss, I was waiting for the constant seesaw of one of their heads deflating and the other's to start ballooning up. There are no scene stealers when these two are together.

What about the action? Are we put right into middle of war? Do we feel like bullets are whizzing by us, and Vietnamese guys are running and screaming like Gremlins after being dropped into a pool? Yes and no. Yes, there is a lot going on in the battlefield. There are explosions, and guys being thrown in the air and screaming, and people are yelling for air support, and Chris Klein is yelling for acting support, but it's all so plain and boring. We've seen this a million times before. A lot of movie reviewers are downplaying it's intensity because they start to compare it to Saving Ryan's Private's and Black Man Down And Stranded With The KKK. This film is just as intense in some spots, but most of the time, I don't feel any danger simply because Mel walks around upright giving orders, while guys are getting blown away about 3 feet from him. I know if Mel's gonna be ok, then I'll be ok. There really isn't that sense of being in an intense firefight. Simply because I'm tired of seeing the actors who I just saw on screen playing little sissies, are now shooting guns and acting all tough. Sam Elliot was believable because he always has that tough edge, even in dramatic roles. But when I see Chris Klein ordering guys around it kind of softens things up for me. I don't know. It feels like I'm watching a gay soldier bark orders to his men.

"Alright! Pay attention you strong, husky, little bastards!! I want you to shoot your full wad at the enemy and be on his backside. And for goodness sake's, be sure you're wearing your helmets, because I can't guarantee that you won't start bleeding from the head because you didn't wear protection."

So it's up to you. I leave it your hands. I didn't think it was that special of a movie. I'm sure many of you will write me back, posting your opinions ( Which is your God given American right! ) about how much of an idiot I am, and how the actors all did a great job. And maybe you're right. Maybe I am being just a tad bit too harsh. Maybe I should try and kill the Chris Klein bug that I have shoved up my ass. Naaawww.... I think I'll leave it there, right next to my Keri Russell kidney stone.

My rating:

- Full Price
- Matinee
--- Wait For Video/DVD
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For We Were Actors: A Chris Klein/Keri Russell Autobiography