VERTICAL
LIMIT
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. If you disagree with my reviews I suggest you read
it, re-read it, read it again, then take your view of it to the Supreme Court
to see if you can have my opinion overturned.
Was
this a horrible year for movies? You betcha. Nothing came out this year besides
X-Men and Gladiator that really blew my pants open. What is the cause of this?
I have a theory....
- Too much money: Studios are making crappy
movies that cost $100 million to make and another $25 million to market.
Thus the film must make over $125 million just to turn a small profit. If
not, it effects the next movie they make. What was that thing that always
rolls downhill again??
- Scripts: They're just not that good. Re-write
this and re-write that. If the basic plot sucks, it's not gonna matter
what your picture looks like, it will still blow. Just ask George Lucas.
- Home theater: With the introduction of home
theater, DVD, and the 5,000 speakers you can lay around your house, more
people are staying at home instead of going to the theaters. The bad thing
about this? If you don't buy a ticket and support the movie because you
want to wait for the DVD to come out, you're not helping the cause my
brutha.
- Rosie O' Donnell: She really has nothing to do
with the horrible decline in movies, she's just a fat pig still living on
my planet. Don't we jettison garbage into outer space??
Our
'nuclear winter' movie this week is Vertical Limit (a.k.a. What I Reach When
I'm In Heat) starring that mega super action star Chris O' Donnell as Peter
Garrett trying to save his sister who's trapped in an ice cave on the top of
the K-2 mountain. Now going into this I thought this film was gonna explode in
my face with action just from Chris's presence but we not only have one, but
two exciting action super mega hero stars in this film! Yes, Bill Paxton
playing billionaire Elliot Vaughn is also in it! But wait there's more! See
this movie now and we'll also throw in Scott Glenn as a special bonus! Scott
plays the rugged mountaineer guide that helps our no acting talent team to the
top! Folks, if this exciting lineup doesn't have you running to your local
movie theater, then nothing will! I'll break this review up into 3 parts ala
Clint Eastwood: The Good, The Bad, And The O'Donnell.
The
Good: Now if you think there is more to the plot then that first sentence back
there, then you're as sharp as a marble my friend. This movie was based on
action scenes, not plot. Nor is it based on acting ability, humor, tension,
dialogue, or any other good movie traits. What does it have? Well, there is a
lot of action. However, the action is usually played out like this....
"USE YOUR AXE!", "CUT THE ROPE!", "HOLD ON TO
ME!", and of course the famous "I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON
YOU!" line. Hands down this film wins the corny dialogue award. Every ten
minutes someone is hanging from a cliff as their climbing partner struggles to
pull them back up. This is literally the case in every single action sequence
in this film. Exciting? If you have short term memory I suppose. And I'm not
even gonna go into the whole nitro glycerin thing that they bring with them to
the mountain. It's laughably stupid. The climbing team is composed of the same
cardboard character types they use in movies like Armageddon and Gone In 60
Seconds. We've got the normal hero guy, the rugged mountain guy, the hot chick
who uses the freezing cold as an excuse to not get naked, the minority, (he was
Arabic or something, you'll never see a brutha climb more than 50 feet, and
that's only if there's a 40 of Schlitz hanging off of a wire.) and the comic relief
brothers who I think said one line that I was able to understand. So what was
good? Well, the way the action scenes were shot I suppose. Ummmm...nice camera
angles!!!!
The
Bad: The plot was about as lame as it could be. Brother and sister go climb
with Daddy. Daddy dies. Sister gets trapped. Brother must save her. There ya
go. We are also treated to a little sub plot about Scott Glenn searching for
his wife who was killed on K2 four years ago. For four years he's been
searching for her?!? Was she that good in bed? Think he'll find her in this
movie to help close out the sub plot? Well, I don't want to ruin the suspense
for you, you'll have to find out for yourself because this flick has nothing
but Tom Clancy twists and turns in it! Now you guys are probably thinking I'm
being a little hard on this movie, I mean a lot of people walked out of the
theater commenting on how good it was. Although they still had popcorn all over
their clothes and their shirts were on backwards. I thought that Cliffhanger
was a pretty bad movie, but it looks likes Oscar material next to this thing.
In fact, halfway through the film they run into Stallone who punches O' Donnell
right in the nose. It's pretty funny. Bill Paxton, who has no range of acting
ability whatsoever, plays the ominous billionaire, hell bent on his own
survival and not caring about the other two people trapped in the cave with
him. Would you care if you were freezing to death and contracting
hypothermitaclitorisatromatica or whatever it is you contract when you're stuck
in an ice cave? I didn't think so. The only thing I was catching was
boredomitis.
The
O' Donnell: First Chris plays Robin, the pansy little sidekick to Batman. Robin
likes to dress in skin tight leather. In his new movie, he likes the outdoors
and loves to go mountain climbing...hmmmm....is Chris trying to tell us
something? Is he gonna start batting for the other team?? Chris O' Donnell has
to be one of the most boring actors to watch on screen. In fact I think he's
the only actor left who still reads his lines off of cue cards. Let's face it,
whether it's Chris O' Donnell, Neil O' Donnell, or Rosie O' Donnell, if you're
an O' Donnell, you'll end up sucking at whatever it is you do in life.
Now
you can say that Mission Impossible 2 was also built around action scenes which
it was. However, Tom Cruise can actually act and Thandie Newton was great to
look at. And Mission's action scenes were always different. This movie's action
scenes are the same throughout. It's a big budget mess is all it is. Kind of
like this review...lots of time and effort go into it, but when you're all
done, it ends up as someone's toilet paper. Oh well. Such is life. I'm gonna go
eat some McDonald's then climb to the top of their playground area, hang over
the edge and start screaming for someone to save me. I figure I'll last about
ten minutes before I'm kicked out...
My
rating:
-
Full Price
- Matinee
- Wait For Video
--- Wait For Cable
- Wait For K1: Son Of K2!!!!!