VALENTINE
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. If you happen to come across one of my reviews
with a golden ticket hidden inside of it, please report it to the nearest Wonka
police department.
So
where the heck have I been the past month? No reviews. No nothing. I know you
were all worried about my health and safety and I appreciate all the cards and
letters from my fans (especially you, Puffy). I have decided to give you some
reasons as to my month long absence. Only one of the following statements is
true. You decide which one.
- My gang banging activity has increased. Due to
neglecting some of my duties with my fellow homies, I was obligated to do
a few drive-by's, slap some crack whores, and mark my territory using 9mm
bullets and purple highlight markers. Vatos Locos forever!
- I was shacked up with a hot blond for a month.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
- I had to finish my prison term. Unknown to most
of you, I was served a 7 year jail sentence for ordering cheeseburgers
with no cheese. This constant ordering confused the handicapped person at
my nearby McDonald's causing him to slip into a deadly coma. I made a deal
with The Hamburglar that I can serve out my sentence in small increments
as long as I visit the handicapped child once a month in the hospital and
let him beat me at Super Mario Kart.
- I was just too damn lazy to go to the theater.
- Some friends 'of ours' needed me to handle some
'business' for them. I needed to go to Little Italy in the Bronx and
handle what was called "A few minor problems." I was stuck in
the Bronx after locking my keys in the trunk after I got the bod...I mean
my luggage out to dump in the river. Ummmmmmm, right...
Our
'blah-blah-blah' movie this week is Valentine (also known in Compton as Valenrhyme)
starring a whole bunch of female actors whom I have never seen before and
that David Boringenzyme guy from the Angel and Buffy shows. Let's see if I
can name some of our female participants...Denise Richards as Paige, Marley
Shelton as Kate, Jessica Capeshaw (whose face looks like a plastic doll stuck
in a permanent smile) as Dorothy, Jessica Cauffiel as Lily, Fulvio (Fulvio??)
Cecere as Detective Vaughn and one of the hottest chicks to ever grace the
screen Katherine Heigl as Shelley. Please do not expect me to know which girl
was which, who died first or what was on second because I have no clue who
was playing what. All I know is that all of them were hot as hell. And knowing
is half the battle. The other half is the constant adjustment of my crotch
while watching this movie.
So
what was Valentine about? Well, you will probably go in thinking "Oh, it's
about this guy who got dogged when he was younger by all of these girls and
decides to take revenge on Valentine's Day 10 years later." Just keep
thinking that thought and you'll have explained more to yourself than the movie
explains to you. Now, I missed the first three minutes of this picture, so
please forgive me if I don't have 100% detailed knowledge of what happened
before I walked in, but after seeing this flick I'm sorry I didn't miss more
than that. After about a half an hour the "What the Hell?" balloon
popped up over my head. Here's what is going on. Someone in a Cherub mask is
running around killing these poor defenseless 'B' cup women. That's about it.
It was the worst ninety minutes of my life. The acting, the lighting, the
dialogue, the deaths, the believability of any of it. After an hour I was
trying to choke myself on Gummi Bears. The girls are subjected to every horror
movie cliche' known in horror movies. I shall run these down for you in case
you are unfamiliar with them:
- The lights are never turned on. Apparently the
budget for the movie MUST have had many constraints because the girls
never turned on the lights when they were being chased! No wonder they all
got killed! They couldn't see in the dark like our killer could!! Victims
should really learn to wear good running shoes and lock the doors behind
them when they're being hunted down. Might buy them some time!
- The killer manages to change clothes quicker
than Superman and is always at the right place at the right time. I
thought it to be sheer coincidence but I don't know...some of these psycho
killers are both master lockpicks and experts in walking silently while
wearing heavy combat boots. Not only that, but their vision is as clear as
glass when they wear a mask with eye slits smaller than a 2 day old
Vietnamese baby.
- The audience is left to puzzle over who the
real killer is. Believe me, if you cannot figure out who the killer is
within the first 20 minutes of this film, then you are a complete tool.
You are also a complete tool if you actually paid money to see this thing.
Me? I got in for free. So I'm only half a tool. But I endure these movies
so you don't have to. Because I'm just that damn nice. And that damn
stupid.
- The music starts to play whenever the killer is
around and someone's life is in danger. I think we would actually be more
afraid if we knew it wasn't coming, ok Mr. Director? Plus the music was so
horrible. It was a cross between Friday The 13th and Yanni.
- Lots of cleavage and at least one hot tub scene
with Denise Richards. But don't get too excited fellas. This movie was so
bad, there was no nudity, no sex, and even Denise Richards' swimsuit was
horrible. I asked Cheryl, a nice 12 year old girl what she thought of
Denise Richards' performance in this movie. "I was like, Oh my God,
she looks so good in that top. And when the killer was trying to kill her.
Man. I'm still a little concerned about her safety." Thank you
Cheryl. You just about summed it up.
- No explanation as to why the killer is doing
what they do, why the killer is bothering to dress up in a mask to take
revenge on the women who were mean to him, or why it even took ten years
for the killer to axe all of these people. You're gonna wait ten years and
not let the victims know who it was who maimed them?? What a loser. At
least Freddy wore his nametag.
Well,
I'm about done with this review. I really cannot think of a single positive
thing to say except that I got to see a lot of cute women on the big screen.
If you want to be a real bastard to your sweetie this Valentine's Day, then
take her to see this movie. You are guaranteed to have no night of nookie.
She will lose all respect for you and dump you. You will end up as big of
a loser as the script supervisor, director and producer of this wonderful
work of art. I would rather be kicked straight in the nether regions than
have to suffer through something like this one more time. I believe it's the
worst thing I've seen next to Rosie O' Donnell in a tank top. I'm tired now.
For everyone involved in the making of this horror film: Happy Valentine's
Day, jackasses.
My
rating:
-
Full Price
- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
--- Wait For Easter Sunday:
The Bunny Kills Again!!!