V FOR VENDETTA
Starring: Natalie Portman, Hugo Weaving, Stephen Rea, Stephen Fry, John Hurt
Written by The Wachowski Hacks
Directed by James
McTeigue
Rated R for Strong
Violence and Some Language
****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. The following review is Rated G for God Damn, That Was A Waste Of My Time.
How to pass the time when the movie you’re watching sucks:
- Buy a lot of popcorn, but always manage to miss your mouth as you grab a handful of it. In fact, just throw it over your head.
- Play your Game Boy during some of the slower scenes, telling yourself that hand/eye co-ordination is much more important then whatever is spewing out of Anthony Hopkin’s mouth.
- Bring
a portable DVD player and pop in that copy of
- Stand up, point at your woman and scream “Jesus. I’m so sick of seeing these stupid romantic comedies! And tighten up that mountainous cavern you call a vagina!” Wait for the aftermath.
- Glow sticks. Lots and lots of glow sticks.
Our ‘B For Bologna’ movie this week is V For Vendetta, starring the same people mentioned above. I’m feeling lazy as I write this, so don’t expect too much. This movie drained me of any and all independent thought. Adapted from the graphic novel by Alan Moore and David Lloyd, V takes place in the future land of England, where only half the populace actually has an English accent and everyone seems to own JVC television sets. Nobody seems to own an automobile, and the government now controls every aspect of human existence. They’ve outlawed homosexuality, mixed marriages, most religions and Paris Hilton.
This is a film about a man, code named V, played by Hugo Weaving, who is hell bent on causing a revolution on November 5th, waking up the citizens of England to get their rights back as people. He plans on doing this by wearing a Guy Fawkes mask as he blows up Parliament and kicks ass. Nothing screams “Revolution!” like a dude in a mask. Halloween must be a bitch in the future.
Natalie Portman plays Evey, a personal assistant at a television station caught up in the madness of the anti-hero V. For the most part, Natalie just kind of cruises along in NPALM (Natalie Portman Acting Leisurely Mode), acting scared in one scene, concerned in the next, all the while seducing us with those innocent eyes and perky A cups. Her role as a lonely woman whose parents were abducted and killed by their government drives her to want V to succeed in both his mission as visionary and pastry chef. She also shaved her head for this picture. A sacrifice which I’m sure makes her feel important as an actress except Demi Moore beat her to that lame act years ago. However, had Natalie told the press that she FULLY SHAVED, then box office security will be put to the test as 15 year olds and lesbians cause lines longer then your local DMV to get a glimpse of that waxed baby maker.
V is an interesting hero to say the least. Or to say the most. Or to say anything, since saying the least means I really didn’t say much to begin with. (Man, whiskey mixed with writing a review is really hard sometimes.) When we first meet V, we know he can fight, but we also see what a complete nutbar this guy is. You want to like him, but he’s such a dick that he’d give Batman a run for his money. Killing for his cause means nothing to him, and boring the audience with his babbling means nothing either.
The first hour of V is an interesting tale of politics, and how a government can get so out of control that its citizens are helpless to stop it. Mixed with plenty of action, you are drawn in to the superb first hour of a political/superhero thriller. Then hour two starts…and you’re lulled in an almost comatose like state as The Wachowski Fuckfaces bombard you with endless dialogue, an unnecessary virus subplot and scenes meant to be serious, which make the audience laugh at their absurdity in trying so hard. We understand there’s going to be a revolution. We don’t need to be reminded of this every 30 seconds. This shows the Connect-The-Dots screenplay mentality of The Wachowski Jackasses. The same pound it in your skull technique used in The Matrix Trilogy lives on in Vendetta.
Part of the problem lies in the enormous amount of time used in backstory for a hero who is supposed to represent an ideal and doesn’t need a backstory. We never find out who he really is (If we did, then I missed it!) or what he looks like. But we know enough about his history and his reasoning behind what he does, that we’re supposed to care for him. Yet, in the end, you really could care less. You may also be putting your hand to your ear as some of the dialogue seems to have been mixed wrong, and you can’t understand what he’s saying. Maybe he’s eating mashed potatoes behind that mask, I don’t know. The end scenes with the inspector sent to catch V is also unbelievable and unrealistic considering how many years he’s been on the job. The torture scenes with Natalie are also revealed to be a waste of time and seem to only be there so we can watch her head get shaved. I’d rather watch them shave her ass, but maybe that’s in the ‘V For Vendetta Ultimate Wachowski 4 Hour Director’s Masturbatory DVD Edition’.
The score by Dario Marianelli is fantastic, and one of the best I’ve heard in quite some time. The fight scene at the end, shown in slow motion, was fantastic and showed how the editors are the real magic makers when it comes to showing the audience a scene. Because I don’t think Hugo Weaving took 17 Vicodins before the cameras rolled.
So it’s up to you. First hour good.
Second hour bad. It’s a shame too, because it really
could have been a knockout film. Too bad the audience ends up once again riding
down
My Rating:
Full Price
Matinee
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