TOMB RAIDER
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. Please fully charge these reviews for 12 hours
before reading. Be safe! Do not risk electric shock by reading these reviews in
your bathtub, while near a sink, or when cliff jumping naked.
"I
thought I had the market cornered, then he came along and ruined everything
I've ever made. Thanks a lot, you prick." - Steven Spielberg
"Of
course it was all digital effects. But for him to say I just starting pulling
special effects out of my ass was..well, it was really uncalled for. Especially
since we share the same first name." - George Lucas
"He
called Traffic boring and Erin Brokovich a movie for 12 year old girls who now
have hope that wonder bras do work? That son-of-a-bitch! " - Steven
Soderbergh
"God,
I hope he meets an untimely deat....oooh, is that cheesecake? " - Rosie
People
love me. Everywhere I go it's either a slap on the back or a slap in the face.
More times than not it's the latter...
Our
"Stop, drop and roll" movie this week is Tomb Raider (a.k.a. Geeky
Teenager's Dreams Answered) starring that wacko Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft, a
British chick who owns a mansion, raids tombs, and carry two really big guns.
She also has a couple of firearms she brings with her. Tomb Raider is based off
of the video game of the same name. Which means that even if this movie sucks,
there's going to be at least 5 more sequels before people start screaming for the
insanity to end.
Tomb
Raider tells the story of Lara Croft and her pursuit of the Triangle Of Light,
an object that can bend time and give ultimate power over those who wield it.
Problem is, bad guys also want this triangle of love and will do everything
they can to get it. Short of just putting a bullet in Lara's head when they get
the perfect opportunity to do so of course. I've read a lot of reviews bagging
on this movie but what do people expect? It's a movie based off of a video
game. And until video games start popping out of their respective machines and
begin servicing their owners then we shouldn't expect the same from a video
game movie. Tomb Raider takes place over a vast array of exotic locations, such
as Cambodia, England, and upper Compton. Angelina does an excellent job as Lara
Croft, mimicking her video game moves, speech, outfits, and 35% gross profit
margin off of each breast shot. Jon Voight (who in real life is Angelina's
father, yet won't freely admit it to anyone in the Bingo community) plays
Lara's long lost father through a series of flashbacks. Billy Bob Thorton makes
a guest appearance as one of the stone monkeys Lara must fight in the movie,
though he goes unaccredited. Thank God.
A
lot of people are billing this new franchise as the next Indiana Jones series.
Though there are similarities such as cave exploring, exotic locales, and
narrow meetings with death, there are just as many differences. Let's look at a
few:
- Indiana Jones solves his problems with a whip,
a gun, and his smarts. Lara Croft solves her problems by flashing her
hooters, nagging until she gets her way, and hoping she gets her period
during a shootout so the bad guys think she's been hit.
- Indiana was named after his dog. Angelina Jolie
is married to a dog.
- Indy uses his whip for practical purposes such
as warding off bad guys, and swinging from structures. Lara Croft uses a
pair of big Desert Eagle handguns to just shoot her way out of every
situation. Women have no patience when it comes to trying to reason with
sadistic killers, do they? It's always fight, fight, fight.
- Angelina Jolie can make four more sequels and
she'll still look good. Harrison Ford can maybe pull out one more but only
if he gets to take a nap every half hour and pops his Geritol twice a day.
I hear he gets calls from the Wax Museum wondering when he going to be
their first live wax window model.
- Both go after archaeological treasures. Both
look to find ways out of impossible situations. But only one of them has
the advantage of standing up during a number 1.
- Lara Croft is now embedded as a household name
along side some legends as Indiana Jones, Mickey Mouse, and Kraft Macaroni
& Cheese.
- There are no black characters with significant
importance in this film or the Indiana series. Why? Well, would you want
to risk your life for an ancient artifact only to have it stolen and sold
at a pawnshop for some ribs and a 40 of O.E.? (I'm still looking for that
bulletproof vest....)
So
what are some of the things I liked about it? Well, it was pretty evenly paced,
the action was good, the set designs were awesome, Angelina Jolie looked hot,
and the sequel is about guaranteed to be in the bag. I also loved the emergency
landing sequence when the engines cut out as Lara and her companions were flying
over New York. You'll never believe this but Rosie made her way to a field,
just lied down, and they were able to land on her ass. What I didn't like was
there weren't enough puzzle solving elements like a Jenga trap or a Tic-Tac-Toe
war. Plus she didn't get naked. But oh, well. They can always fix that for the
sequel.
If
anyone tells you to go see The Mummy Returns instead of Tomb Raider, give me
their address so I can drive to their house and bitch slap them. The two don't
compare. Tomb Raider actually had a plot and wasn't filmed in front of a blue
screen for it's entire 2 hours. Although we do miss Indiana Jones, looking at
Angelina Jolie in tight clothes for the next 10 years makes up for it.
My
rating:
--- Full Price
- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For Womb Raider: My Lower Half Unleashed!!