TOM CRUISE

****DISCLAIMER**** These interviews are for entertainment purposes only. I cannot vouch for the validity of celebrity answers nor am I responsible for finding a shovel big enough to pick up all of the bullcrap that may fly out of their mouths.

As I walked into The Beverly Hills Plaza Hotel I began to tingle. Interviewing Tom Cruise has always been a thrill for me as I must have conducted at least 200 interviews with the man, getting to know him personally and professionally. Born July 3rd 1962, Thomas Christian Anderson Bernard Crewinski had no idea of the impact he would have on the world. As I walked into the bar/restaurant/spa/oriental massage parlor/yoga room, I saw him sitting down having a drink. It was a margarita but he had one of those crazy straws coming out of it. Wearing jeans and a relaxed button down shirt he smiled as I approached and threw out his hand to greet me. It was time to once again meet my friend.

"I'm sorry. What was your name?"

"George. I'm here to interview you. I interviewed you last month remember?"

"AH! No...actually I don't. But have a seat. Hmmmm.....George. That sucks. We have to give you a flying name. Since I'm Maverick, I'm going to call you PenandPaper. Man, I love doing that. Everyone I've met has a name. I call Penelope 'OnYourKnees'. She loves that name. My bouncer guy is called BigFatNegro but he seems to hate that name for some reason." The room was alive with his kindness. I was honored that he had remembered me so dearly.

"How have you been Tom?"

"Great. Great. Just finished up The Last Samurai. I'm sure you've seen the trailer. I can't wait for it. I'm very excited. It looks to make me like I'm a total sword swinging badass. It's about me and I'm in Japan fighting with my Japanese brothers. And I did all of my own stunts. You won't see that wussy Jackie Chan doing all of his own stunts! Did you know I'm 1/8^th Japanese? It's true. So I figured I wanted to make a story about my people. A truthful and fact filled story. And nothing screams Japanese history like Tom Cruise baby. God, the women are gonna love me even more than they do already when they see me whip out my sword and grasp it firmly in my hand as I vanquish the enemies....and the ladies. I'm sure it will gross at least $150 million. Domestic. In the first week."

"What was it like working with Spielberg?"

"Steven? You mean DarthJew? It was great. I tell you what. He is the master. He's so smart and really knows how to direct and write and direct people. He never once yelled at anybody or explained why he made that stupid A.I. movie. But he throws the greatest parties. You get some 500 Hollywood Jewish executives in a room together and pass out a beer bong, you're gonna have some wild times baby. Wild times."

"Speaking of parties, as you approach your birthd..." RING! RING!

"Hold on PenandPaper, my cell phone is ringing. Hello? AH! Penelope!" Perhaps I could get in a question with Ms. Cruz! How cool would that be! "Como Esta? Si. Si. Si. Como dice? Si. Si. Si. Ok. Bye." How cool was that!! "So how is your girlfriend?" I asked with excitement. "To tell you the truth, I can't understand a word she's saying." he replied. "I don't speak a lick of Spanish. But I figure since we look great together, it doesn't matter if we can communicate or not. We get along better than I did with Nicole." And then it happened. The one subject I was going to avoid he managed to bring up. Being the hard hitting investigative journalist I was, I decided to expose this wound once and for all.

"So what happened with Nicole?" I boldly asked.

"Look. It's not that big of a deal. I don't know why you guys are so scared to ask about her. We met on the set of Days of Thunder. I was playing poker with Robert (Duvall) and some of the crew guys. I was losing big time but I had a great hand. Kings over Queens. But no money to raise the bet made by Duvall who kept on winking at me like some sort of sick perverted old man. So one of the crew guys, I think his name was Tony, said I should bet on that if I lose, I gotta try and get naked with that red headed co-star of mine. Nobody knew her name at the time and I was pretty drunk lemme tell you! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Anyways....so I bet Robert that if I lose, I gotta go seduce The Human Torch. Well, ended up that the sully old bastard had 4 Kings. So one thing led to another, she was pretty easy to seduce, I ended up getting her pregnant and that was that. My publicist insisted that we pretend to be married for longer than 7 years. Hell, for 8 months I didn't know what her last name was until I went to the premiere and watched the credits. I knew it was Risky Business, but after showing her All The Right Moves and The Color of Money I was making, we were never that Far and Away and our marriage became Mission Impossible. HEY! You like that? I put in some of my movies during my answer. Did you catch that? Huh? Did you?"

"Uhhhh......" He was starting to scare me. " So what's it like being such a big celebrity? I mean, do you ever get some privacy?"

"Oh sure. I actually have clones of me all over the planet right now. Doing PR work, interviews, things like that. I call them Tom Clones! How funny is that! But don't worry, I'm the real deal. See this tattoo of a 1 on my hand? That's so everyone close to me knows they're talking to me. One time Penelope was screaming at the top of her lungs in my bedroom. So I ran upstairs and 3 & 5 were on top of her having their way with her! I tell you, 3 & 5 are crazy Cruises! Boy was she mad! It took a lot of explaining and a great translator to get me outta that jam!"

"So when you first started out..." Was all I could muster before Tom leaped out of his chair, went into a crouching position and pointed his finger violently at the corner of the bar.

"Holy crap! Hold on! There's a piano in the corner! You wanna do a duet with me? Great Balls of Fire? No. Damn. No one wants to sing that song anymore! What was your question? I'm sorry I get excited sometimes. Remember that scene in Magnolia when I was screaming 'RESPECT THE you know what!!' That was so much fun. I was saying that for weeks after filming ended. I'd just buy some coffee or something, then when the cute little StarBucks girl started to turn her head I'd scream out 'RESPECT THE COFFEE!' Man, that was so funny. OH! And I remember when I went into this Beverly Hills clock store and..."

"Ok. Um. I have to go now. Any words of advice for our young aspiring actors out there?"

"Sure. Wait until I die, because you can never top me. But if you do get into acting...Just do what I do. Follow your nose. It always nose! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!"