THIR13EN
GHOSTS
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. Despite the fact that no one really finds them
entertaining, I can sit and read my reviews and laugh and laugh for hours upon
hours. Actually, after 10 shots of tequila and 7 beers, anything seems pretty
funny to me.
I
have a problem with www.IMDB.com. This website is the "official"
database for movies, actors, and the such. After their movie descriptions,
they print reviews submitted by moviegoers to help guide people who are curious
about how good or bad a particular film is. I have submitted my reviews to
them, only to watch them be edited for content they deem fit for their website.
The only reason I've submitted reviews to them is because I've tried to trick
people into wanting to be put on my movie list when I write another review.
Has it worked? Yep. I've suckered a few. But to edit my reviews? Come on.
They act like I write distasteful material! I guess I can't write as well
as some people. The following review was posted on the main page for Thirteen
Ghosts on www.IMDB.com and was written by a guy from State College, PA.:
"The movie was fun. It wasn't a horrible flick my any means. The
acting didn't make me want to leave, which is a definite plus for a horror
movie. I thought the computer graphics were impressive. The ghosts were definitely
freaky, and yes, I jumped a few times. I rarely jump in horror films, but
this one I did...more than once. There were times where it was predictable
however. This didn't take away from the entertainment factor though. I mean,
this film isn't going to win any Academy Awards for best picture or anything,
but it was a fun film. If you're looking for something to do this Halloween,
take your friends out to see it."
Now,
I'm not one to complain, but is this a review of a movie? Do you think this guy
even has friends? I don't think so. Are my reviews actual reviews of a movie?
Who knows. That's for you to decide. And on that note...
Our
'sleep on the wet spot' movie this week is Thirteen Ghosts (a.k.a. Thirteen
Dollars You Won't be Getting Back!) starring a plethora of Hollywood talent
such as Tony Shalhoub as the concerned father, F. Murray Abraham as the wacky
uncle, Embeth Davidtz as the actor with a f*cked up real name, Matthew Lillard
as well...Matthew Lillard, Shannon Elizabeth (who men flock to see for her
acting ability) as the dumb daughter, and my favorite Rah Digga as the
babysitter to Alec Roberts. A kid who makes Jake Lloyd from Star Wars Episode l
look like Robert Deniro. Now, who's Rah Digga you ask? I don't know. But if you
stick a bunch of peanut butter in your mouth and try to say her name, it comes
out something completely different.
Thirteen
Ghosts takes place in a home made out of glass, with tiles that shift, and
clocks that spin, and toilets that don't flush, and ghosts that run loose. The
plot, from what I could make of it whenever I awoke from dozing off, is about 5
people trying to stop these ghosts from kicking the sh*t out of them. Really.
That's pretty much it. There is no subplot such as a search for Windex or
anything. A megalomaniac has trapped 12 ghosts in the basement of his house.
His nephew with his two kids and token black babysitter (Hey, that's Rah Digga
you talking about!) have inherited the home after his death. Of course,
something goes wrong, and the ghosts are released from their cells ready to
make some noise and turn this house into some serious dance fever.
Now,
the house and visual effects are fantastic. Whoever the glass company was that
supplied Dark Castle Entertainment with all of these windows for this picture
made a fortune. The sound emanating from the 55 speakers in the theater will
cause you to go deaf within a matter of twenty minutes. But that's about it.
The plot will confuse you as much as Planet Of The Apes did. The scares? There
are none, despite what people from State College, PA. tell you. And the acting?
Wow. I thought Matthew Lillard would be the worst actor in this film. Shannon
Elizabeth manages to take home the "I Suck At Saying My Lines" award.
But she has a great body, so who cares. The 13th ghost thing is supposed to be
a surprise. Have you the balls to actually watch this movie, you will learn
what I did. That when the 13th ghost is revealed, you'll see it's about as
stupid as the previous 12. Though the ghosts flash in front of you, I did catch
who some of them were and thought I would share who they are with you. It's amazing
how some actors, whether dead or alive, can manage to appear in some films.
Here's who I caught:
John
Wayne: He
tried being scary, but the actors kept calling him by his real first name of
Marion. So he pretty much stayed in a corner and wept for 90 minutes.
Don
Cornelius:
His smooth ghostly voice caused terror whenever someone messed up a dance move.
Oh...wait, he's still alive isn't he?
Rosie
O' Donnell:
Scared the crap out of everyone when she showed pictures of herself from her
magazine standing next to a Boy Scout troop with a hot dog in her mouth.
George
Lucas:
Taking time from his busy schedule, George made a guest ghost appearance and
began to add his own digital effects to the film, reducing it to another movie
heavy on the flash factor and low on everything else.
Snoop
Dogg:
Knowing his movie Bones would be released at the same time as Thirteen Ghosts,
Snoop made a guest appearance and just gave shout outs to "All of Rah
Diggas that were in the house."
Judging
from what I've written it's pretty obvious that Thirteen Ghosts has managed to
make 1999's The Haunting a masterpiece. Speaking of The Haunting, according to
www.IMDB.com, if you liked Thirteen Ghosts, they recommend you also watch The
Haunting. I recommend that you strip naked and go play traffic cop on a Los
Angeles freeway. At least you'll still have your dignity.
My
rating:
-
Full Price
- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
--- Wait For Thirteen Hookers
To Magically Appear At Your Door