THE MEXICAN

 

 

 

 

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. And this is the claim that my lawyers will use in court, in my defense.

 

Lots of surprises at the 7th annual SAG Awards. Aptly named, the SAG (Sh*ts And Giggles) awards honors actors for their performances. Who votes for them? Other actors. Whatever. Like a lot of them are at home watching that sitcom about a gay man and his female roommate called Will & Grace. Well, maybe Andy Dick is. Here's what I 'observed' while watching it.

 

  1. Benicio Del Toro needs to stop getting stoned and/or drinking up before going on stage. Who was buying him shots, Elizabeth Taylor? And how old is this guy? He looks 28 going on 47.
  2. While on stage, Robert Downey Jr. was wondering how many actors in the audience were calling him Robert Downinganother Jr.
  3. Catherine Zeta Jones looking as happy as ever with the marriage deal she got. Michael Douglas was sitting there wondering when the knife in her purse was gonna stab him in the back. Don't worry Mike, I'm sure it's coming soon.
  4. Watching Martin Sheen's face when he got an award. Even he knows he's a crappy actor who hasn't done anything good since Apocalypse Now.
  5. Who the hell is Laura Linney?
  6. Watching Russell Crowe put on his 'What the f*ck?' face when Benicio Del Toro wins instead of him. Tom Hanks wasn't even paying attention; he was too busy making a giant pyramid on the dinner table with all of his previous awards.
  7. Julia Roberts' 3rd set of teeth are finally growing in.
  8. Watching Rosie pull a live chicken out of her hat before the awards started. Then proceed to eat it alive in front of a horrified E! News reporter.

   

Our 'Si Senor!' movie this week is The Mexican (a.k.a. Los Jumpas Borderas Mexicanos!) starring Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts. That's all I have to say for the first paragraph. Watching these two star together in a movie is a big enough joke without me adding to it.

 

Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts play a couple estranged (did I use that word?) in their relationship. Apparently Brad (I don't remember the character's names) has to go to Mexico to retrieve an antique gun for his sort of mob boss. The problem is that he was supposed to go to Vegas with Julia. They get in a fight and he goes to Mexico, she goes to Vegas. Woopeedeedo.

 

Along with the asinine plot, we get two complete asinine performances from Julia and Brad. Now I didn't go to see the movie for Julia Roberts. As much as everyone is on her bandwagon I think she's overrated. That and her teeth have gotten their own agent and are now fighting for more screen time. Brad Pitt is a good actor but his character so stupid that he couldn't do anything with it. Not only that, but no matter how dirty and scroungy he looks he still makes the rest of the male population look like Pat Sajak. Thanks a lot Brad. Butthead. There is one plot in the movie broken up into two parts. Wouldn't that make it a sub-plot you say? No. That would be giving the screenwriter too much credit. Julia is being held hostage (sort of) by James Gandolfini, Mr. Soprano himself. While an excellent actor, he plays a hitman who is gay. I know, I know, I was shaking my head too.

 

Although this movie is supposed to be a comedy, there are maybe 3 parts you'll laugh at. One at the beginning, one in the middle and one for yourself for sitting through two hours of pain. A 2 hour movie which was 2 hours too long. After leaving the theater, my attempt at a refund fell short. I could have gotten it but when I put a choke hold on the kid at the counter I got thrown out.

 

I was so mad at this movie I almost rolled my SUV on the way home. Then my date slapped me in the face for embarrassing and almost killing her. Then I ran out of gas. Then my foot got run over by a white kid driving a Honda Civic. Then my toilet wouldn't flush after a number 2. Needless to say, I believe The Mexican was the cause of all this. If this happens to you after seeing it, then my theory is true. No matter how bad the month has been for movies being released, it's not as bad as the after effects of seeing them. I know this movie review was short. I know it wasn't funny, but hey, at least I can consistently suck right?

 

My rating:

 

- Full Price

- Matinee

- Wait For Video

--- Wait For Cable

- Wait For The Rosie starring Mama Cass