THE CORE

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Scientific study has shown that not only will reading one of my reviews improve your sex life, but it will also make your grass grow faster, your chickens lay more eggs, and your new Hispanic girlfriend go from a petite 5'3 105 pound frame to a nice weight of 164 pounds in only 3 weeks. Saving you the embarrassment of divorce when you have to deal with her fat ass after she has your kid.

Normally in my opening statements in my reviews, I like to discuss silly topics that relate to film. Since we are at war, I figured it would be nice to talk about something serious for once. So I have prepared for you a comprehensive list of movies that are in pre-production as we speak. These films are being made to inspire our troops overseas and to bring back that feeling of 100% Americana we so proudly displayed for at least two weeks after September 11th:

Rambo IV, V, & VI: Sylvester Stallone is pulling out all the stops as he works on the next chapters in the Rambo universe. In Rambo IV he revisits the Middle East, falling in love with a young Muslim woman in her teens and killing key members of a horrific Iraqi regime. In Rambo V, Stallone goes to North Korea where he single handedly rescues every prisoner, destroys every plutonium plant, and makes N. Korean leader Kim Jong-il kiss his dirty American foot before pushing him over a cliff, then shooting him in mid-air with an explosive-tipped arrow. Our trilogy of heroism ends in Rambo VI, where fearless fighter John Rambo goes to Switzerland and wipes out the entire population just for the hell of it.

Chicablow: Catherine Zeta-Jones is armed to the teeth and ready to bear...another child. That's right folks, for the first time in movie history we will bear witness as Catherine goes to war 9 months pregnant. Can she rescue the poor Cambodian children locked in a horrible prison before her water breaks?

Prenuptial Deception: A war of words and a battle of betrayal as Ben Affleck tries to get Jennifer Lopez to sign a prenuptial agreement. His obstacles go beyond her Jenny On The Block counter tactics, as Ben must now break into The Gates of Hell and steal the one thing he gave up when he agreed to relations with Ms. Lopez. His soul.

Bringing Down The Head of State House 2: Not so much a war movie but another silly sequel which portrays whites as the stupidest race on the planet when it comes to having relations with African-Americans. Those silly, silly white people.

Our 'What the f*ck??' movie this week is The Core (a.k.a. Da Core!), another disaster film that pits together six scientists in an attempt to restart the Earth's core after it stops spinning, resulting in storms and natural disasters that will eventually destroy our planet. Nope. I'm not making it up. The Core stars Aaron Eckhart who is the casting director's answer to Armageddon's Owen Wilson. Not only do we have the good looking bleach blond as our hero, we are treated to another group of stereotypical wacky heroes. Stanley Tucci as the evil scientist who steals other scientists work for his own gain. How do we know he is evil? He wears black throughout the entire movie. Dead giveaway. We also have Delroy Lindo as our token black guy. Starring as NASA Major Rebecca 'Beck' Childs is Hillary Swank, a woman who can barely tie her own shoe much less play a believable rocket scientist. And rounding out our team is the computer hacker Rat played by DJ Qualls who is living proof that you can have a healthy child during the second term of your pregnancy. He looks like a Goddamn mutant, but it's still proof. I know I'm missing one of the scientists but he gets killed early because he never actually does anything but stand around and put himself in danger.

There really isn't too much to talk about when it comes to The Core. Our planet stops spinning and we have to send six people into the Earth's core in a dildo shaped ship. Once they've started making their way to the center of the Earth, imagine 115 different things and events that could go wrong and prevent our heroes from completing their mission. Chances are you will hit at least 113 out of your 115. The Earth is in danger, so the government must round up top geological scientists and of course the wacky teenage hacker kid to help control the flow of information over the internet so the populace isn't aware of what's going on. I didn't understand why he was needed either. Oh, now I remember! It's so he can say things like "You want me to hack the planet? I'm gonna need Xena tapes and Hot Pockets!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! These crazy hacker kids! Boy, was that funny! Oh man, you're gonna have to give me a minute while I compose myself...

The Core is filled with action scenes and gripping moments of stupidity. Let me break them down for you. A space shuttle manages to land in the Los Angeles River when it overshoots it's landing zone. Why did it miss it? The Earth isn't spinning anymore you goof! Of course they'd be off by a few miles! Normally TomorrowLand is where all of our space shuttles land! D-uh! You think Space Mountain is really a ride? Of course not. They put a ride in there to fool everyone into not knowing it's really a super secret space command center. Man, Walt Disney was a genius. We also get to see the Golden Gate bridge get torn apart as radioactive waves melt the bridge and at least 20 Matchbox cars are set on fire. Ok, I know I know, Matchbox cars? Sorry. Some could have been Hot Wheels cars. I don't want to piss off Mattel. We also get to see around 50,000 pigeons fly in circles and smash into windows, hit people in the eyes, and fly right into a car windshield. Why does this happen? Because the birds no longer have the Earth's electromagnetic waves to let them know which way they are supposed to be flying. Plus I heard that director Jon Amiel always wanted to stand out of frame during one of his movies and chuck fake birds at store windows. The Core also keeps with the known theme present throughout all disaster movies. That being when someone's car is out of control you cannot hit the brakes! Instead you must violently steer your car and step on the gas until it flips or you crash into either: (a) oncoming traffic (b) a tree (c) innocent bystanders or (d) an eighteen wheeler carrying fuel or some other explosive liquid.

I'm sure The Core will be the #1 box office movie for its opening weekend. After all, nothing pulls together the human race during times of tragedy liking watching thousands and thousands of people die onscreen. It just makes us feel all warm inside when one of the characters we've come to love after 40 minutes, gets trapped in part of the melting ship making that ultimate sacrifice by reaching his hand out as the emergency bay doors close and says "Just go. Save yourselves." Heartwrenching. If only our heroes had another 30 seconds, they could have saved their dear friend. And if only the ships designer had put every emergency override and needed switch into the cockpit instead of the most dangerous parts of the ship, more people could have made it. I know I'm not supposed to reveal key things in a movie, but don't put a hundred bucks down on the Negro's chances of living. Black people do not have a successful survival rating when it comes to disaster movies. Hey, the screenwriters are just keepin' it real homies. In all disaster movies, once our colored heroes raise their hands up in the air, run around in circles and scream "Aw hell no!" we know that death is soon inevitable.

The Core is long, boring, ridiculous and another cookie cutter big budget movie trying to pull at your heart strings and give you faith in the human race with a crazy plot and lame dialogue. So unbelievable, that from the special effects alone, you can't even believe they were actually in the middle of the Earth unless the middle of the Earth is filled with Gummi Savers and Strawberry Yoo-Hoo. And not once, did the movie not attempt to try and choke you up inside when another life was lost. Bring your tissues people. You're going to need them.

So was the Earth's core restarted? Who cares. The only thing left spinning after two hours was my head.

My rating:

- Full Price

- Matinee

- Wait For Video/DVD

- Wait For Cable

--- Wait For The Whore: Six scientists must drill into Courtney Love and restart her cervix.