The Art of War

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Are they entertaining? Do they actually have a purpose? I don't know. I just write 'em.

As I write this review I'm eating these little candies called Smarties. I noticed they were made in Canada. Are the Canadians trying to say that their candy is smarter than an American candy? Who do those little Moosehead drinking bastards think they are? I would love to go up to Canada and shove a Nutrageous right down their throats. But these little Smarties sure are good though... Go Canada!

Our 'Always bet on black!!!' movie this week is The Art Of War starring Wesley Snipes as Neil Shaw (Isn’t that a white guy's name? Why not Leroy Brown or Tyrone Shoelaces?) a super secret UN undercover spy trying to figure out why he's been framed for the murder of a Chinese Ambassador played by James Hong, who was trying to smooth out the relations between the UN and China by agreeing to sign a peace treaty or something like that. However, certain people want to prevent that from happening, so of course people die, and everyone frames the brutha. Why the man always gotta keep us down? Also in the movie is Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa as David Chan, Michael Biehn as Bly (stupid name), Donald Sutherland (He’s still alive?!?) and Anne Archer.

Here's what I don't understand...Why are Japanese actors playing Chinese roles? Is there a shortage of Chinese actors? You would think it would be kind of insulting, but I guess if you're a Hollywood actor you can play whatever role that you think you can get away with. Hell, if Rosie can pretend to be the thin Betty Rubble, then I guess the Japanese can play whatever nationality they want to! The story starts out in Hong Kong (Ya right, more like Stage 24 at the Warner Bros. lot) with Wesley trying to escape from a building after stealing back some missile plans from...someone...I forgot. So of course he must run the gauntlet of kung-fu people before he can escape. Has Wesley lost a step or two? I don't think so, but once again we get the Steven Seagal fight choreography where the camera angles are so damn bad we only see a quick flash then the bad guy knocked on his ass. Oh well. Still better than fat boy Seagal.

So Wesley goes back to New York, watches as the Ambassador gets his Chicken Lo Brain's blown out, tries to catch the shooter, gets framed for murder, escapes from being taken to jail by some ugly Chinese guys, then escapes from them. For the rest of the movie he's trying to figure out what's going on with the help of Julia Fang, played by Marie Matiko another Japanese actress who in her own right, is a really hot piece of a...uhhh...she's very attractive. I've seen cuter but since there were apparently no Chinese actresses available in Hollywood, she'll have to do. Besides, she didn't get naked in the movie so I lost interest.

From about 20 minutes into the movie you can already figure out who Wesley is going to end up having to fight at the end. When one of the main supporting actors decides to disappear for most of the picture, it's a pretty good bet he's the dude that's gonna show up in the finale. The plot is pretty simple but manages to confuse itself into something more than it should be, leaving the audience wondering which Wong is right and which Wang is wrong.

I don't know what's up with Wesley but he really needs to start kicking some more ass in his movies. One fight scene in the beginning, middle, then the end isn't enough for my barbaric needs. Although the gun fight at the end was very, very cool. A bit too John Woo-ish with a splash of Matrix but hell, they tried. But when there's no action at least give us some more nudity! Wait...not from Wesley...that's not what I meant!! Maybe if I were stuck on an island and had a lot to drink I might consider his big black...Jesus...never mind. I'm really scratching for jokes now.

So is it good? I guess I didn't really touch on that...Fight scene in the middle, then confusing plot development, then man on a mission who of course must have the clichéd female partner, then fight scene, then more plot confusion, then the end fight scene. Hmmm...naw, it kinda sucked. Not enough kung-foolery for me. If there were any interesting scenes in between then I'd give it a high mark but it was mostly Wesley sitting in a car looking through these really funky binoculars while the male audience is begging for Marie Matiko to get buck-naked and the females were waiting for Wesley to whip out his Blade. I was waiting for the blood to flow back into my ass after it fell asleep from sitting in those rock hard seats.

My rating:

- Full Price
- Matinee
--- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For The Fart Of War: The O'Donnell Dinners