SWORDFISH

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Do not store these reviews in anything less than 32 degrees Fahrenheit. If you don't, well then, I'm not responsible...

Why has this been such a bad year for movies? Is there anything that’s going to be coming out that will satisfy our hunger for good entertainment? Let’s take a look at a few releases coming out this year...

The Fast And The Furious: A movie that has souped up Hondas in it! Woohoo! All of those wanna be white boys with their stupid Accords are now gonna try to add more modifications to their economy cars besides a muffler and clear taillights! Look out baby! Now I’ve got 147 horses instead of 145! 0-60 in less than 14.5 seconds! Honda’s rule!

Planet Of The Apes: A remake of the classic Planet movie with Marky Mark and a bunch of apes believing they are the superior race! Ha! Have they seen the intelligence here on Earth? Then they would change their min...no wait, maybe they’re right.

Lord Of The Rings: A 3 parter coming out this Christmas! Fantasy dorks delight!

Jurassic Park III: Sam Neill is back! The Dinos are back! The elusive Rosieasauras has eaten everything on the island! Can they stop it??

Halloween 8: Thank God. Everyone has been wondering what is going on with Michael Myers. After he got killed for the 7th time in the last movie, people were starting to worry...

Our ‘eggs over easy’ movie this week is Swordfish (a.k.a. A One Word Movie Title) starring John Travolta as Gabriel Shear, some top secret government guy who is trying to steal 900,000 Kazillion dollars from the Government so he can stop terrorism and the making of Battlefield:Earth II. But he needs a computer hacker to do it, so he gets the help of ex-hacker Hugh Jackman. Halle Berry is also in the film, but her role is stupid and we just put up with it so we can see her breast shot.

Let us now analyze the starring actors of this motion picture.

John Travolta playing a bad guy again. He’s good at it, but he seems way out of line in this movie when he kills, shoots and points guns at people. Is all that violence really necessary John? And your little hair under the lip thing. Was that your idea? You’re just not cool anymore, Johnny cracker boy.

Hugh Jackman playing the hacker Stanley Jobson. His acting was good, but I’m too used to him as Wolverine now. Hugh, stop playing regular good guy roles that show your softer side and sympathy for human life. You don’t have these qualities ok? You’re Australian.

Halle Berry fresh out of crashing her car plays the sultry seductive Ginger. Wow. What an original movie name for a hot girl. Do we get the breast shots? Yep, all two seconds of them. Her lying in a lawn chair. The reason for the lying down shot? I have a feeling had she stood up, her breasts would have sagged to her belly button. Though that wouldn’t stop me from getting’ some brown shuga! Halle has got to be one of the hottest women on the planet!

Don Cheadle plays a detective who is one step behind the villains. He is no Shaft my brutha’s. But he is kind of smart. Well, as smart as a black detective can be when there aren’t any clues consisting of watermelon stains and chicken bones. Now...where did I leave that bulletproof vest and flame-retardant underwear?

Now we can take a look at the weaker points of the film itself. It’s not fair to say that there weren’t any good things in the movie. I’m sure there were. I just don’t know what they are...

The action sequences from this idiotic screenplay were trying to be inventive, yet they were way too outrageous. A bus flying over LA? A girl with 20 pounds of C4 and 15 pounds of steel balls strapped to her, exploding in a hellacious fury taking out 6 cars, 115 cops and 1 store window? A cool shot in the beginning shows the explosion in a 360 degree camera shot. A sweet 10 seconds of the film, but the rest of the action is so weak. For instance, ordinary people surviving things that would kill them in real life. Such as, Hugh jumping off this cliff avoiding the coppers and goes rolling about 5000 feet down the side of a mountain to the beach. The cops chasing him also jump. Two of the stunt guys look like they broke their legs immediately upon landing, but they just kept on rolling. When everyone gets to the bottom of said mountain, no one’s face is cut, no one is bleeding, and no one’s clothes are messed up except for Don Cheadle’s character. I don’t know about you, but if I rolled down my stairs much less a mountain, I’d be in traction for a year. If you look in the background, you’ll catch a glimpse of Rosie rolling down the side of the mountain as well, but that was because someone had dropped their hot dog near the bottom. I won’t mention how Hugh’s character who says he doesn’t know how to drive a stick, learns how in about 3 seconds. In a foreign car where the driver sits on the passenger side. Like I said, I won’t mention that part. Who directed this movie? He was probably Australian. Or gay. Maybe both.

The plot was...well, dumb. Who would try to steal money from our honest government? A government that won’t let an 18-year-old drink a beer, but will let him fight in our wars and get killed overseas? A government who complains about guns and violence, yet won’t get rid of them because of that whole ‘right to bear arms’ thing that was written at a time when people actually needed weapons for protection and food, but are now only used for cappin someone’s ass? What am I rambling on about?

This ‘summer action’ picture was once again all effects and explosions and no real captivating storyline. I didn’t care what happened to anyone, I wasn’t surprised by the so called ‘twists and turns’ from the weak character development nor was I surprised that a lot of the people leaving the theater commented on how good it was. "That shore wuz a neat movie Jed!" Please.

What I will comment on were Halle Berry’s breasts. I can now imagine the pain, regret, and humiliation her former ex David Justice the baseball player must be feeling for dumping Halle Berry. Good job Dave. Funny how we never hear your name mentioned in any media or sports news anymore. Big loser for dumping her dude. Unless her home plate was so huge you could fit your baseball bat in it. Then I could understand.

My rating:

- Full Price

- Matinee

--- Wait For Video

- Wait For Cable

- Wait For Swordfish 2: Hugh And Holly And A Breast Makes 3