SUMMER 2002 MOVIE SPECIAL!
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. If you are reading this e-mail then you have given
up any First Amendment rights given to you, and have now subjected yourself to
my law. You will heed my word as if the hand of God has written it Himself. I
will now begin to amaze and wonder you with my witty repertoire and my
knowledge of coin tricks.
Yes,
I have not written for over two months. What have I been doing? Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. I had a momentary lobotomy performed and was unable to
write. I'm kidding. Actually I was in a horrific car accident that left my
typing abilities completely paralyzed. Ok, so that's not true either. Since I
have no real excuse, I thought I would write about our summer movie season and
how it has shaped up so far with some mini reviews on the films I have seen to
date.
Spider-Man: Starring Tobey Maguire, this
film had me really confused. Why did they keep focusing on this Parker kid
played by Tobey the whole time when the person I really wanted to see was
Spider-Man? And why was Willem Dafoe wearing the Green Goblin's mask at the
end? This mass confusion of anonymous characters really have nothing to do
with the Spider-Man story itself. However, the scenes with Spider-Man swinging
and fighting with the Green Goblin and his urge to not give Kirsten Dunst
some REAL web fluids builds up for a sequel worth waiting for. As long as
they leave that stupid Parker guy out of it.
My Rating: Full Price
Halloween:Resurrection: A smart touching movie about
a man who protects his home from thoughtless, stupid teenagers. This film
brings back the days of old when men would protect their homes at any and
all costs. Through the course of the Halloween films, there has been one common
theme. Michael Myers has been trying to get people to just sit down and listen
to him. I mean really listen to him. But no matter what he does, he is forced
to be in situations that he does not want to find himself in. Tyra Banks is
in it, but not for long. God, if I only hadn't lost that magic lamp, what
I would do to her.... Though there's lots of character development in the
film, it is still worth not viewing simply because of the blood, sex and nudity.
How are our children going to learn about moral decency and the ability to
focus and fix your problems, when all the filmmakers want to do is gross us
out? Hopefully Michael Myers will get the character development he deserves
in a future outing. That, and that Busta Rhymes guy is in it. He sucks. He
kept trying to hit Michael Myers in the head with a watermelon and some hot
wings. And he kept yelling "Die Cracker!" What was that all about???
I hate racist people. Dumb ni..........
My Rating: Wait For Cable
Minority
Report:
Another movie starring Tom Cruise about old Big Nose being accused of murder
when he hasn't even committed the murder just yet. Ya. I don't get it. But
with enough special effects and cool fight scenes, you won't care if you get
it or not either! Cruise is a pimp, and you must support his films so he can
always have the right to slap the sh*t out of Nicole Kidman whenever he bumps
into her. My Rating: Full Price
Reign
Of Fire:
Starring Christian Bale and Matthew McConaugheyisthatweed. A story of dragons
and the destruction they bring to our world. Had they actually shown more
dragons and less humans, this film coulda been a contenda. Instead we get
to watch the pyro guys have a f*cking field day with the studios money. Burning
everything in sight, including any semblance of dialogue, plot, or consistent
action. But we do get a female actress by the name of Izabella Scorupco! We
haven't had any good Izabella actresses since the 80's! Get drunk and try
to say her last name 5 times really fast. It's a hoot!
My Rating: Wait For Video/DVD
Austin
Powers in Goldmember: The same jokes as the first two movies. The same plot as the first two
movies. I think Mike Myers needs to go back to the drawing board because he's
worn out this franchise. Nothing new at all. Mike plays Austin Powers, Fat
Bastard, Dr. Evil, and Goldmember. Beyonce Knowles plays Foxy Cleopatra. I
like Beyonce. She's very pretty and seems like a nice woman. But she couldn't
act her way out of a paper bag. Go back to Surviving or whatever it is you
Destiny chicks are into. The first 5 minutes of the picture are hilarious.
After that, the audience is sitting there realizing they just spent their
hard earned money on another Austin Powers movie. I sat there wondering why
there hasn't been a sequel to Willy Wonka. And why my boxer shorts decided
to keep creeping up my ass.
My Rating: Wait For Video/DVD
Eight
Legged Freaks:
David Arquette is in it. 5 million cool looking spiders are in it. But David
Arquette is in it. Kari Wuhrer is in it. Man, she's hot. But David Arquette
is still in it. Damn...
My Rating: Wait For Video/DVD
The
Sum Of All Fears: I didn't see it because of Ben Affleck. So I have no idea why I even
bothered to put it in my column.
Divine
Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood: I was literally dragged kicking and screaming to this
movie. But when you're on a date, you don't want to be a jerk. Save that for
the 2nd date. I figured since Sandra bullock was in it, that it wouldn't be
too bad. Instead, it was 2 hours of excruciating hell. I wanted to kill myself.
I will never be the same.
My Rating: Wait For Cable. Better Yet, Go Stick Your Head In A Bag Full
Of Rats. Maybe Then You'll Have a Better Time. Or Just Shoot Yourself In The
Head. Or Try To...Oops...I'm Still Complaining In The Bold Italic Font. Complaining
Is Usually Done In Regular Font. Sh*t!!! Now I've Ruined The Whole Thing...
Undercover
Brother:
I enjoyed this parody of Black 70's films about a secret black spy society
out to get The Man. Finally my brothas get a movie of their own, showcasing
their comedic talents. Too bad It was such a hit and miss affair. Oh well...maybe
next time. The jokes were there, and the idea was a good one. But it didn't
shine the whole way through. Even though Eddie Griffin was, well, Eddie Griffin,
we didn't get enough of Denise Richards' ass to make it all worthwhile. But
the woman that played Sista Girl was smokin'! Her name was Aunjanue Ellis.
What kind of name is that??? Who do you know with the last name of Ellis?
My Rating: Wait For Video/DVD
Men
In Black 2:
It just wouldn't be a Fourth of July without a Will Smith movie now would
it? Will Smith and Fourth of July go together as well as bottle rockets and
anal probes. What's the big alien secret this time? The fact that MIB 2 clocks
in at a whopping 88 minutes. That's shorter than most cartoons. But since
this sequel was short on humor, plot, and coherency, at least the editors
decided it should also be short timewise. Thank you editors. You have saved
us from what could have been 20 more minutes of Will Smith. But don't fret,
we always have next year to look forward to when Bad Boys 2 comes out. I wish
to personally thank Will Smith for always ruining a great American holiday.
I wonder if DJ Jazzy Jeff stays up late at night thinking of ways to kill
you and your over inflated ego?
My Rating: Wait For Cable
The
Bourne Identity: Matt Damon as an ass kicking assassin? Are you kidding me? What's next?
Ben Affleck playing a superhero? I mean, come on. Despite the unbelievability
(Is that a word?) of Matt Damon playing a tough character, this film has plenty
of action. I enjoyed it. And you will too. I had no idea Matt Damon could
play such a cold muthaf*cka. Maybe he's finally tired of Ben always running
after him screaming "But this time I brought condoms!!!"
My Rating: Full Price
So
that's it for our summer movie season. There are a few more big films coming
out before the usual slow fall ' 5 million romantic comedies a week ' season
starts. Then things pick up in November with the new James Bond and Harry
Potter movies. Will it be 2 more months before I write another review? I doubt
it. I just wanted to give my readers more bang for the buck this time round.
But don't expect this high of a quality of review again. Next time I will go back
to my incoherent sentence structures, swear words with stupid asterixes in the
middle of them, racist jokes, and truthful anecdotes. Hey, that almost rhymed!
I shall now wrap this up with an overall rating for the summer season of 2002.
Thank you and God bless.
Except
for Rosie. God doesn't bless fat lesbians.
My
rating:
-
Full Price
--- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For Me To Apologize...