Stuck On You

Starring: Matt Damon, Greg Kinnear, Eva Mendes, Cher & Wen Yann Shih

Written by Charles B. Wessler, Bennett Yellin, The Farrelly Brothers

Directed by The Farrelly Brothers

Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual humor and some language

****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. What’s on everyone’s Christmas List this year? Diamonds? A car? Of course not. It’s one of my fun-filled action packed reviews. So even if you’ve been naughty this year, I’m not going to hold it against you like that red suited fat bastard.

Celebrity endorsed products are nothing new. Paul Newman has his own salad dressing. Michael Jordan has his own shoe. Jennifer Lopez has her perfume and dump truck sized panties. But now companies are running out of items to have endorsed or made by the celebrities. What’s a creative Hollywood actor to do if they cannot come up with their own product? In stepped our good friends at General Mills. By using my Hollywood connections, I was able to provide you with a list of new celebrity cereals that will put smiles on children’s faces everywhere.

Halle Berry’s Bangin’ Booty Berry Blackberries: The most self indulging overrated cereal on the planet. Comes with free Hit ‘N’ Run Hot Wheels car!

Orlando Bloom’s Fruity Flowers: When dowsed in milk, these rainbow colored corn puffs emit a flowery fragrance your more sensitive child is sure to enjoy. Comes with free rainbow sticker!!

O.J.’s “Suh-Prize Sucka!” Snaps: Small, sharp, jagged knife shaped black flakes with white marshmallows. The surprise? After 3 minutes, the milk begins to turn blood red. Comes with free golf ball!

Hugh Grant’s Cheerios: Feel a bit more distinguished like our British friends after a bowlful of lolly nuts and Cheerios! Comes with free Mini-Cooper!

Colin Ferrell’s Whiskey & Wheat: Now you can get healthy and hammered all in one tasty bite. Comes with free pack of cigarettes!!

50 Cent’s Golden Pimp Grahams: Packin’ all you need fo’ you go cruising in yo’ whip. Comes with free bullet!

Our ‘Why Am I Reading This?’ review this week is Stuck On You (a.k.a. Stay On Your Stomach, I’ll Get The Towel) starring Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear as Bob and Walt Tenor, co-joined twins who move to Hollywood in the hopes that Walt can make it big as an actor. Also starring Eva Mendes who I swear to God is the hottest Latina on the face of this planet. She’s one of the reasons I think human cloning should be legalized. If every man had a woman as hot as her on his arm, there would be no killing, cheating or a need for Viagra. Also starring Wen Yann Shih as Matt Damon’s love interest. She’s also a cutie, but damn girl. Slow down on the makeup. Makes me wonder if you look like a Monchichi after you wash your face at night. Cher is also in the movie but nobody cares about her because she sucks.

Stuck On You starts out in Martha’s Vineyard where we are introduced to Bob and Walt as owners of a 3 Minute Or It’s Free burger joint. Walt, who also likes to star in his own one man stage shows, feels his age creeping up on him and convinces Bob to move to Hollywood so he can take his shot at the big time. Which is funny, because nobody comes to this dump to want to act. It’s all happening in Phoenix, Arizona baby! Walt gets a questionable agent and ends up running into Cher on a studio lot. Cher is trying to get out of a television contract so she can do movies again, but the studio won’t let her out. However, she can pick her co-star and in an effort to get the studio to cancel her contract, chooses Walt. Only problem is, the show ends up being a huge success. Along with Walter’s quick jump to fame, Bob is trying to hide the fact that he’s joined to Walt from his new love May, who he had been talking to for three years over the internet and who also happens to live in Los Angeles. Jesus, I spent way too much time explaining the plot. The past five sentences could have been used as dick jokes. Oh well, I’ll try and make it up to you later.

The Farrelly Brothers comedies have always been known to be the type of gross out humor and presents scenes that try and shock the audience. The Farrelly’s also seem to have a nice mean streak that they give their characters. Unlike Shallow Hal or Me, Myself & Irene, Stuck On You is a very lighthearted comedy that never plays down its main characters or makes you pity them. Bob and Walt are two happy guys and you’re happy with them. Being co-joined is never actually shown to be a handicap to the brothers, and the Farrelly’s could have easily taken their cheap shots, but chose not to. I think that’s why this movie works. Many scenes are pretty dumb (Like every time Cher is on screen), but there are plenty of laughs. And you do feel for these characters and want them to succeed.

But there are problems that I have with some of the supporting characters. Eva Mendes plays a dumb hot little actress/model who hangs out with Bob and Walt. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever lived in L.A. or Hollywood, but women that hot don’t hang out with two guys who are stuck together like they’re dancing at the gay bars. Women like her are usually in some forty year old Armenian’s Porsche. The character of May, who is also pretty hot, plays the typical “Oh, me likey you.” Asian character that to me is pretty stupid. Bad enough Asian women aren’t represented well enough in movies as it is, and roles like this don’t help their cause. Still, she was wearing some fantastic bras, so the Chinese balance of Yin and Yang works out in the end for everyone. Or at least it did for me. Cher still sucks.

If this film is a success, other studios are sure to jump on the ‘stuck together’ bandwagon. Here are some current ideas already floating around the halls of the top movie studios:

Stuckizzle In Ma Nizzle: Snoop Dogg joined at the hip by the largest joint ever. Snoop must prevent 99% of the population from trying to smoke his ass.

Ruben’s Big Boy: American Idol winner Ruben is trapped in a nightmare after he wakes up attached to a Bob’s Big Boy. Only one of them can live. I’m guessing it’s the one that will be around longer than two years, carries a hamburger and weighs less.

Stuck In Me: Hilarity ensues as Paris Hilton must figure out how to detach herself from half of the penises in Los Angeles.

Stuck On You is a great comedy that I think everyone will enjoy. There aren’t too many dead spots and the film shows how strong the bond is between these two brothers. Even though most of us who have brothers would kill each other fighting over the rights to a Playstation controller. The Farrelly’s manage to make a comedy that doesn’t offend or go too far. Are these two getting soft on us? Who cares. As long as Cher’s not in their next film, I’ll be in line to see it.

My Rating:

Full Price <<<<<<<

Matinee

Wait For DVD/Video

Wait For Cable

Wait For Stuck On Jew: The Spielberg Chronicles