StAR
WARS EPISODE II:
ATTACK OF THE CLONES
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment
purposes only. Young ones, despite what your parents tell you, driving through
red lights at 100 mph, running with the scissors pointing upward, drinking
bong water, reading my reviews, and always pulling out too late are not things
that will hurt yourself or other people. Parents are just paranoid people.
And children and teenagers are retarded people. So it's an everlasting standstill
in the opinions of life. I have no idea what I'm talking about, but after
6 shots of vodka, it looks like it was intelligently written...
As
quoted from IMDB.com :
Star Wars creator George Lucas is so confident about his abilities as
a filmmaker, he refuses to listen to movie-goers. The movies in the Star Wars
series have attracted a massive worldwide audience, but Lucas insists he never
listens to what fans say about his films. The 57-year-old director says, "I'm
able to tell the story the way it's meant to be told, and I don't have to
listen to what (studio) market research does. They would be listening to the
fans - and these people think you should be doing this, and these people think
you should have that character in there. These (stories) are not put together
by a marketing department. They're purely sort of a creative act that was
created to tell a great story."
As quoted from your lovely Moviereviewer:
"George Lucas is a f***ing egotistical tool."
Our
' I see your Schwartz is as big as mine ' movie this week is Star Wars Episode
II: Attack Of The Clones (a.k.a. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah: Blah Blah Blah Blah)
starring Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hayden Christensen as Anakin 'Darth'
Skywalker, and Natalie Portman as Senator Padme Amidalalalalalalalalalala. The
Yin to this Yang of hot fresh young Dawson's Creek talent is our Murder, She
Wrote cast of Ian McDiarmid as Chancellor Palpatine, Christopher Lee as Count
Dooku (I love that cereal), Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Muthaf*ckin' Windu, Rosie
O' Donnell as Oh-My-God-This-Bitch-Is-Huge Lezbonia and Mary Lou Retton as
Yoda. I think. Not too sure about the last one.
Episode
II strangely enough takes place 10 years after Episode I, don't know how many years
before Episode III, but quite a few years before Episodes IV, V, and VI. I just
want to get that straightened out right now, because confusing my readers is
not what I'm here to do. I'm only here to entertain. Father's Day in East St.
Louis. Now that's confusion. Here's the plot in a George Lucas nutshell... A
bunch of races are turning against the Republic, and someone is trying to kill
Senator Amidalalalalalalala, and Anakin has to watch her while Obi-wan goes to
some rainy planet to find clones and runs into Jango Fett who is a bounty
hunter with a crappy accent, while the Senate votes on getting it's own army,
meanwhile Count Dooku is starting his own army, children are beginning to slit
their throats with their soda pop lids because they have no idea what in the
hell is going on, Amidalalalalala and Anakin fall in love, but Anakin starts to
turn to the dark side because the Senator won't swallow. Got that? See, it's
really easy to explain once you've viewed it about 500 times. The plot in
Attack Of The Colons is a mixture of George Lucas saying to himself "Man,
this really fits in coherently with the story." to George Lucas thinking
to himself "I have no idea what I just wrote, but if I throw in enough CGI
special effects, maybe nobody will notice. God, I'm a genius. And my penis is
soooo big. I should name it Darth Penis. And have my creative team make it glow
a bright neon red with a lightsaber swooshing sound whenever I whip it out. I
think I'll do that. Darth Penis... Man, that will drive the chicks wild. I
wonder what time the PowerPuff Girls come on...."
The
dialogue in Attack Of The Corleons ranges from really corny to really freaking
corny. Never have I heard actors speak their lines like their brains were being
eaten by fruit flies. No emotion at all in anything. Nothing seems to make much
sense as to why they would even say some of the things they said. Anakin gets
angry really easily, but no one on the powerful Jedi Council can seem to sense
that this kid is an absolute nutbar even when he's arguing with Obi-Wan.
Amidala talks like she's looking at a blue screen even when Anakin is right in
front of her, so who knows what the hell is running through her head as she's
speaking her lines. Ewan just seems plain bored with the whole thing. After an
hour, I was so sick of hearing these guys talk about nothing, I turned off the
audio, and cranked up a George Carlin comedy tape. Suddenly the movie became
more entertaining to watch. Seriously. I'm not making it up. The dialogue in
this film is horrible. Pokemon the Movie was written better. And I swear on my
mudder's grave that Yoda said " Whut up, Obi-Wan." when Obi-Wan
walked in on Yoda teaching some young soon to be Jedi's. I thought it was my
ears playing tricks on me, but I know enough 'wanna be black' white kids that
that line just came in loud and clear. I hope I'm wrong.
So
the dialogue was just plain bad, what about the action? Well, don't expect any
for the first hour kids. The first hour is all about setting up whatever plot
Lucas is trying to get to, but after 30 minutes you could really care less
about any of it. The second half of the film is more action oriented with an
chase through an asteroid field, a conveyor belt sequence that was about as
exciting as watching The View, a fight between Anakin, Obi-Wan, Amidalalala and
some stupid looking CGI beasts (Wait until you hear Anakin yell
"Hee-yah!" as he's riding one. Priceless.), a lightsaber duel at the
end with no point to it other than to make sure that there's a major lightsaber
duel at the end of every Star Wars movie (It will make you miss the Darth Maul
fight), and watching as Senator Amidalalala falls on her ass about 15 times
from really high spots only to come out completely unscathed, making her the
toughest woman in any known galaxy. At least her shirt was conveniently and
neatly ripped, exposing her stomach like a Maxim magazine photo shoot. The end
giant battle scene has about 5 million laser blasts being fired from both
clones and droids. At least 15 or so Jedi are standing next to Amidalalala
deflecting laser blasts while she just stood there and fired her blaster in no
apparent danger of ever being hit. Unbelievable. Jango Fett? Whoopdeedo. Samuel
L Jackson? At least he looked like he was trying during his action scenes. There
are no exciting action sequences in this movie. Heck, Anakin doesn't even get
to test his pelvic Force powers on Amidala. Guess that happens in Episode III:
Return Of The AssTappin'.
Lucas
has sworn on his use of digital effects, and while they may look pretty, in
some instances it just overcrowds the screen. I mean, who really cares about
robots shooting clones, or robot droids getting blown up? Nobody cares. The end
major sequence had so much CGI going on my head was about to explode from
visual overload. It was like I was stuck in a video game. A bad video game. It
made me miss the battle on Hoth in The Empire Strikes Back. In fact, it made me
miss a lot of things. Like being entertained. I really could go on and on about
how bad this picture is, but I'm too tired of giving it this much attention.
I'm sure some of you will say I'm nuts and that it was good. That's fine. Stay
in your own little happy world of green clovers, blue diamonds, and purple
horseshoes. I'll be at the bar.
I'm
positive Lucas thinks his writing is good. But it's not. And he's a horrible
director. And this was a horrible movie. In fact, I think it made Episode I
look like a great movie. And that's hard to do. I don't know what Lucas is
going to do for Episode III, but I really don't care. He has single handedly
made me love his first 3 movies as a kid and an adult, and then hate the entire
franchise within a span of 5 years. Maybe George should listen to the people
who made him what he is today. But I don't think he ever will. So I believe his
views and his newer takes on Star Wars, digital effects, storytelling, and
directing can easily be summed up in a single sentence by one of my sistas in
the hood:
"George
Lucas done lost his Goddamn mind."
My
rating:
-
Full Price
- Matinee
- Wait For Video
--- Wait For Cable
- Wait For "And the award for best picture goes to...Attack Of The
Clones!!!"