Star Wars Episode III:
Revenge of the Sith
Starring: Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor, Samuel “L is for Love” Jackson, Ian McDiarmid, Jimmy Smits, Frank Oz, Christopher Lee
Directed by: George Lucas
Rated PG-13 for language, drug use, nudity & hardcore sexual innuendos concerning Force powers, Lightsabers and Yoda in handcuffs.
****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Please continue to read this review as I will be playing an old stand up arcade version of Tron. I’m telling you, chicks dig dudes who are into science fiction, weigh 400 pounds, have never kissed a girl, can’t dress themselves, and play video games online. And if you’re reading this, I’m bettin’ you’re one of those lady killers.
Episode III takes place about three years after Episode II. Obi-Wan is now a general, Anakin and Padme are still married, yet no one can figure that out, and the Chancellor has declared himself the Emperor because it seems like no one on the Senate either has a set or could care less. Basically Revenge is about Anakin’s big giant leap over to the Dark Side, where the powers are endless and the gas is cheaper. What’s so amusing about the story is you have a kid who’s gone nuts and yet the entire Jedi Council can’t seem to detect it. You also have a Chancellor who’s so into the Dark Side that when he gets up on the wrong side of the bed he becomes Darth Sidious, yet no one on the Jedi Council can figure that out either. Basically everyone on the Jedi Council including Yoda, is a complete fucking retard. There’s also a plot with a robot called General Grievous, who I’m guessing is a predecessor to what Vader will become in regards to fusing what’s left of a human with robotic parts. Although we have that technology now with Hannity & Colmes.
But I’m not here to expose the weaknesses of George Lucas’
story. He can manage that feat all by himself. What I am here to talk about is
how different this movie was from the previous two episodes. And by previous
two episodes I mean two huge piles of dog crap that were an insult to every fan
out there. Unless you’re Kevin Smith who’s too wrapped up in his own ego and
the fact he keeps wanting everyone to know how “into” geeky pop culture he is
that he has to like everything.
The acting was once again the weakest point of the film with only the veteran actors actually trying. You can tell who can act in front of a green screen and who can’t, and well, Hayden just cannot act in front of green screen. He can act, but you stick that boy in front of a blank screen and his delivery comes across like he’s trying to read his lines off of an Etch-A-Sketch. His scenes with Natalie Portman are once again Hee Haw! comedy gold. Dialogue like:
“I love you Amidalalalalalalala.”
“No, I love you more Ani!”
“Oh God no. I told you that you were like sandpaper or whatever cheesy crap I said to you to try and get you into bed. So I’m totally in love with you.”
“No way Ani, I love you more!”
“Screw you bitch! I’m going to the Dark Side! And I’m taking the remote with me!”
“Ani, don’t go! I love you.”
“Oh God Padme, I love you too.”
“No Ani, I love you more!”
Don’t quote me on that dialogue, but it was along those lines. UPN has been looking into hiring George for its sitcoms. Lucas is not, and has never been, an actors director. If they manage to say their lines without screwing it up, then he’s moving on. Hayden and Natalie have the romantic spark of Star Jones and diet yogurt.
Ewan McGregor gives his strongest performance out of the 3 Star Wars films he’s been in. Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson. I don’t care what character, in what universe, in what robe he playing. He’s a bad mofo in this movie but I keep expecting him to grab a Big Kahuna burger right after he starts talking all Jedi and shit.
What sets this film apart from the first two is that it is completely action packed. If you have a hard on for lightsaber fights, then you’ll be erect for the entire two hours. I didn’t need lightsaber battles to get me excited. I get all wet just from seeing Christopher Lee whip out his big glowing shaft. The film opens with a very pretty space battle, followed by a pretty lightsaber battle, then another lightsaber battle, then some talking about dark side or something, then more and more and more and more and more and more lightsaber fights. This leads up to the big fight on Fireball Island where Anakin and Obi-Wan settle their differences once and for all by fighting on a slab of volcanic rock as they….float….down a lava stream…Man, now that I write that out, it really sounds like a stupid place to fight. Luckily Jedi don’t sweat. They perspire. But the action is what keeps this movie from falling apart and actually serves a purpose to the storyline since this film is about all of the Jedi being killed, and Obi-Wan and Anakin fighting like little bitches. “You were the chosen one!” screams Obi-Wan during his fight with Anakin. “I told you your beard scratches my belly, Obi-Wan! I can’t take it anymore!” retorts Anakin. Tension, tension, tension, people!
You do start to feel bad for Anakin and how he was essentially tricked into going to the Dark Side. Then again, you can’t feel sorry for someone is supposed to have been trained by wise Jedi, then throws out all he has learned within ten seconds. Although, I did mention how stupid the Jedi Council is so maybe he got sick of having to decipher whatever it was Yoda was trying to tell him. His change into Darth Vader does show up at the end of the film to show us the beginning of his terrible reign of breathing heavy and pointing his finger at Generals right before he chokes them to death. Hey, the dude has real issues. The last five minutes of the film wraps everything up nicely and was a good segway into Episode IV.
So is Episode III worth the long lines, sold out performances and the chance that you’ll be sitting next to a guy who hasn’t showered in the last 14 days? Yes it is. Even if you haven’t seen the first two episodes you’ll still be able to figure out what’s going on. Actually, if you haven’t seen the first two, then you’re smarter than the rest of us schmucks who had to suffer through it. But Lucas, I have to hand it to you, you made up for those two stinkers with this film. Now you can go right back to screwing up another franchise by giving us an 87 year old Indiana Jones. Can’t wait for that hair pulling experience!
My rating:
Full
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