THE
SCORPION KING
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. These reviews are for sexual purposes only. These
reviews are for laughing purposes only. These reviews are for drug use purposes
only. These reviews are for Israeli negotiation purposes only. These reviews
are for headache purposes only. These reviews are for anal purposes only. These
reviews are for masturbation purposes only. But most of all, these reviews are
for booty call purposes only. Sweet, sweet booty calls...
By
promoting E.T.'s Special Anniversary, Universal Pictures promises that kids and
adults alike will enjoy the new scenes left out of the original release. Some
argued that Spielberg should never have replaced the agents' guns with cell
phones. But those weren't the only changes and additions he made . Here are
some scenes that were mysteriously left out of the original theatrical release:
10. Elliot's trail of Reese's Pieces have
now been replaced by crack rocks.
9. A young boy is killed when he
discovers E.T. and begins to poke him with a stick, only to learn that this
alien likes to hurt as much as heal.
8. Elliot makes use of his Speak & Spell by showing E.T.
how Hispanics learn our language in a matter of minutes in order to
effienciently communicate through a drive-thru
window.
7. E.T. begins to show young Elliot how alien genitalia is not
that much different from human genitalia, resulting in Elliot realizing what a
horrible position bending over actually is.
6. More breathtaking special effects were added, such as E.T.'s
height being increased to that of 8' feet, thereby scaring every white person
in the neighborhood who thinks Charles Barkley has gone insane and is now
hanging around children.
5. Spielberg's guest appearance now
re-added, with more than enough drama and humor for an entire 12 movies.
4. E.T., not content with just hanging out in Elliot's room,
begins to explore the house, only to run into Elliot's mom doing things with a
cucumber that sparkle a young child's imagination into believing that
vegetables are really, really good for you.
3. During the Halloween sequence, when E.T. was dressed in a
white sheet, 2 missing scenes were added. The first shows E.T. burning crosses
on certain neighborhood front yards. And the 2nd is a group of black men
beating E.T. down and stealing his wallet.
2. Final scene replaced with a sweet and tender moment in which
Elliot frees E.T. from the government agents, only to lead him back to his
U.F.O. where both are shot on site for trespassing.
1. A controversial scene missing from the
original, E.T. shows a young Drew Barrymore how his finger can still glow from
inside her lower stomach.
Our
'kill or be killed' movie this week is The Scorpion King (a.k.a Prequel To A
Sequel) starring Dwayne Johnson, known to more educated people as The Rock. The
Rock plays an assassin I believe named Mathayus. Since I'm not too sure I'll
just call him Methamphetamine. Meth is joined by Kelly Hu, a Chinese actress
who pulls off playing the Egyptian sorceress Cassandra with as much
believability as a Chinese person actually being in that part of the country
has to begin with. Both are joined by Michael Clark Duncan, who has stretched
his Oscar nominated acting ability to an acting performance guaranteeing he
will never hear his name called during the Oscars again. I'm guessing that they
were trying to pull off Michael and The Rock as non black heroes, but as
really, really dark Egyptians. That illusion is quickly gone when The Rock and
Michael settle their long fight scene over a game of dominoes and Colt .45. All
the while screaming "Bitch, go gets me so mo watermelon!" The
Scorpion King also stars Grant Heslov, who is billed as the Comedic Sidekick.
I'm not kidding. That's his name in the movie. And as far as comedy goes, he
fails miserably. Kind of like this review. Rounding out the talentless pool is
British actor Steven Brand who plays Bad Guy Without Ever Smiling Memnon. In
the land of political correctness, every race seems to be covered in the movie
except for Hispanics. I guess they couldn't figure out how to make horses with
tinted windows, gold covered hooves, and chain linked harnesses. One day
homies...one day we will rise and they will name a holiday for us in May where
we can drink excessively and drive around with our flags proudly waving from
our El Caminos.
The
plot is very, very simple. Methamphetamine is hired to kill Cassandra so Memnon
cannot use her gift to see into the future and predict his victory over other
lands and armies. You see, Memnon has this crazy idea that if you speak well,
and treat your people with an excellent benefits package, that they will join
your cause in the slaughter of innocents. I know I would join up in a
heartbeat! In Meth's first attempt to sneak into Memnon's camp, his brother and
some other guy who is never mentioned or named, get captured and or killed.
Heck, the 3rd guy might as well have been wearing a red Star Trek uniform for
as much as he brings to the table. Meth escapes, only to conveniently run into
the Sorceress, who immediately shows off her belly button, distracting Meth
long enough that his sword begins to rise up magically on it's own. After
capturing the Sorceress in a battle of tans, they soon begin to realize that
they have feelings for one another. But there is one stipulation, if the
Sorceress has sex, then she loses her ability to see into the future. This
results in Meth doing her Egyptian style and saying "Bet you didn't see
that coming!" Ok, so maybe that scene was cut out...
The
Scorpion King is one battle sequence after battle sequence. If you are as
observant as I am, you will notice that whenever someone is stabbed, punched,
thrown or cut, a sound like a grape being squished is emitted. There must have
been 5,000 grapes squashed for this film. I've never heard a sound effect used
in such abundance since Rosie ran in the gay parade. The Scorpion King is rated
PG-13. This means that we can see Kelly Hu's cleavage for the entire movie, but
we cannot see a drop of blood unless it's from us cutting ourselves while we
watch this. While I enjoyed looking at Kelly Hu's body, it only left me
wondering how she managed to stay a virgin for so long in a camp full of
miscreants, murderers, and cutthroats.
As
far as character development goes, we learn nothing about The Rock's character.
Nothing. He reveals nothing, says nothing, and I think only manages to blink
twice in the entire film. The rest of the time he's bulging his eyeballs to
look as intimidating as possible. Or his loin cloth was cutting off his
circulation. I had no clue where they were, when this was, how they got from
place to place in a span of minutes, and what the heck could possibly kill this
guy. People were falling off of buildings and dying, but when The Rock would
fall off, all it took was a satin sheet and some bamboo to break his fall. He
goes through more punishment only to be resurrected as a hermit crab and killed
by Brendan Fraser in The Mummy Returns. Man, all of your achievements in life
were now put into the hall of shame for that one my wrestling buddy. The
costumes and set design were straight out of the Universal Studios back lot. I
think in one scene, I saw a Mexican construction worker carrying planks of wood
in the background as the tour bus went by. The dialogue spoken by The Rock was
so cheesy, I swore Hulk Hogan was gonna pop out of nowhere and scream "Now
you're gonna get it brother!".
This
was not a good film. But as far from being as bad as it was, it was leagues
better than The Mummy Returns but that's not saying much. If I were 12 years
old, I would have loved this film. But I'm not, and since it doesn't really
matter what a 12 year old thinks anyways, it's best to steer clear of this
overhyped up mess. Many people in Hollywood are touting The Rock as the next
Schwarzenegger or Stallone. But don't let those compliments (Are they
compliments?) fool you my friend. For in the blink of an eye, which is a talent
you obviously don't possess, your career may end up back in the wrestling ring
sooner than you think. And we the audience, may end up hoping that one day, this
franchise dies a swift, quick, grape exploding death.
My
rating:
-
Full Price
- Matinee
- Wait For Video/DVD
--- Wait For Cable
- Wait For The Scorpion's Barrio starring Edward James Olmos & Jennifer
Lopez