SCARY
MOVIE
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. If you wish to challenge me for the right to
entertain people for your own personal gain, then meet me at the School Of The
Dragon Whiskey for a fight to the death using the old school Snake Fist style of
fighting. And if you start to beat me, I'll just have someone shoot you in the
back. Either way, I win.
Here
are some new recent releases on DVD that you may want to rent. A couple are not
so recent. I'm not recommending any of them per se, but they're out there:
- Ronin: Bobby D and bad ass car chase scenes with
really nice gun fights. Leave the woman at the mall.
- Independence Day: A two disc set with behind the
scenes information showing you how Hollywood can really make an overblown
piece of crap then market the hell out of it.
- The Green Mile: What your toilet is going to try
and flush down after you eat a super-sized McDonald's dinner. Treat your
lady to something better, you cheap bastard.
- The Abyss: Another two disc set about a team of
oil diggers who are trapped near the bottom of the ocean and meet some aliens.
Yes folks, no matter where you go on this planet, Mexicans are everywhere.
Our
" tripped over my own ego " movie this week is Scary Movie (a.k.a.
Scary Booty: The Oprah Story) starring two of the fifteen Wayans brothers
in a spoof of Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer. I believe the two
brothers were Marlon and Shawn but I'm not sure. All I know is that one of
them is really f*cking annoying. Anna Faris plays the lead character Cindy
(after Sydney from Scream). Also in the movie is Cheri Oteri as Gail Hailstorm
and two of the hottest women to ever grace the screen Shannon Elizabeth as
Buffy Gilmore and our opening scene with Carmen Electra. Why did they make
cloning human beings illegal?? WHY??!!?? There would be nothing wrong with
5 million Shannon's and Carmen's running around the earth causing men to lose
the blood flow to their brains. I hate our government.
So
why make a movie that spoofs a horror movie that was made to spoof the horror
genre? I have no idea, but they made $41 million in the opening weekend so I
guess someone was asking for one to be made. If you've seen the first Scream,
it pretty much follows the same plot. If you haven't seen the first Scream then
go rent it because I'm not explaining it to you. A psycho is on the loose
killing teenagers and the killer is bent on killing our main character, but not
before he/she kills all of the supporting cast first. Wait, did I just explain
the plot?? Damn it!
I
had no idea that I was going to like this movie because I think the Wayan's
brothers' comedy is so stupid. That Drinking Juice In The Hood Menace movie or
whatever the f*ck that was called was horrible so I pretty much expected the
same out of this one. So I sat my lazy ass down in my plush red cushion with 34
species of bubblegum stuck underneath the seat and along with my Sour Patch
Kids and four dollar 32oz. cup of ice with 3 ounces of actual soda I sat back
and awaited the pain. What sucks is I laughed my ass off. Wait a sec, that
wasn't supposed to happen! The humor was stupid and juvenile and disgusting but
I still laughed anyway. A lot of the jokes were hit and miss. One of the big
misses being the Matrix parody which wasn't funny at all. But a lot of other
things in the movie were funny. And a lot of them were pretty disgusting but it
was the kind of humor my sick mind likes. The actors in the movie weren't the
greatest. The shining light was from SNL member Cheri Oteri playing Gail. That
woman is hilarious.
Now
some of you may think I am whacked out of my head to like this movie but I
wanted to hate it and I didn't. I wasn't bored and I pretty much laughed
throughout the whole thing. Some of the jokes weren't funny and you won't laugh
at all of them but I'd say 70% of them are pretty good. There was a lot visual
humor as well which is what I like. I can't give this review a Full Price
however because of some things:
- Too many 'dick' jokes. I don't ever want to see
a penis on the screen after I passed out from Harvey Keitel baring it all
in The Piano. I'm still going to therapy from it.
- I think black people wrote this movie and since
I'm a racist pig I can't give any minorities credit for being funny. But
don't worry, I don't like white people either since we manage to embarrass
ourselves whenever we dance. I really can't stand oriental people as well.
And the Irish?? Don't even get me started.
- If you believe what I wrote in # 2 then you're
a gullible idiot. It was a joke. Except for us white people dancing like
epileptics on crack.
- Though it was funny, it was a parody of a
parody. And a parody of a parody is like getting a side salad before your
Caesar salad comes. It just doesn't makes sense as to why they would do
it. What the hell am I talking about?!?
So
go ahead and check out the movie I think you'll enjoy it. I didn't feel like
I threw my money down the drain and the Wayans brothers can write some really
good material when they're given the right ideas. Keenan also makes an appearance
in the film because he's shallow and can't let his two brothers steal the
spotlight from him. But his scene was pretty good. Finally us black folk are
getting some respect in Hollywood. Bring on the malt liquor and the white
women!
My
rating:
-
Full Price
--- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For Cloning To Become Legal...