RUSH
HOUR 2
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. Print one out, take it to Church on Sunday, and
read it out loud to the congregation. They will soon witness a miracle as God,
for the first time in history, reigns down a fury of lightning in His own holy
temple in an attempt to strike down your sorry ass.
I
know, I know. It's been a month since I've written a review. I realize that you
common folk cannot live week by week without reading something written by me,
so you have two options:
- Beg Hollywood to make better movies. I tried
once before when I kidnapped Emmanuel Lewis and held him hostage in a
Warner Bros. lot. For two days I threatened to kill the little runt, but
all the cops did was cheer me on.
- Write to every movie theater chain in your
immediate area and beg them to stop showing that stupid
Moviephone/Cinderella/Coackroach commercial. That damn thing is over 2
years old and they're still showing it before the previews. Kill the
Cockroach commercial, and I may come back on a regular basis.
Our
'kick 'em when he's down' movie this week is Rush Hour 2 (a.k.a. Rush Hour 2
with that same Chinese guy and that same black guy that was in the first one!)
starring my favorite movie star/action hero of all time Jackie Chan and that
really annoying Chris Tucker. Funnily enough though, he has grown on me. Also
co-starring that hot piece of Sesame chicken ass Zang Zihee.wait.Zanhg Hi
Lee...no.that girl that was in Crouching Tiger, some really hot Mexican chick,
and John Lone, who looks like he's gained 20 pounds in his face alone. Got your
bottle of bong water ready? Then let's dive right in.
Rush
Hour 2 takes place 3 days after the end of the first Rush Hour with Inspector
Lee and Detective Carter driving around Hong Kong working on Lee's cases.
Carter is mad because he wants to be on a vacation, Lee is mad because he's the
only one driving around Hong Kong with a black guy in his car. The plot of the
movie revolves around them trying to stop a Triad counterfeiting ring headed by
John Lone's character and by Poon Tang On My Knee who looks hot as Hell! But
damn girl, fix them teeth! Ancient Chinese secret my ass, it's called
toothpaste! Anyway, this is all the plot summary you'll need because none of it
really makes any sense nor should it. We don't care about the thin plotline in
a Jackie Chan movie, because no matter how asinine it is, it's going to be 90
minutes of fun no matter what. Unlike a Jet Li movie where the action scenes
are the only things preventing audiences from trying to choke themselves on their
popcorn.
I
didn't think the first Rush Hour was a great pairing of Chan and Tucker, but
they've really gelled in the second outing. They both compliment each other
well in this movie with racist jokes towards one another and the amazing fact
that Tucker's character learned Kung -Fu while only being in Honk Kong for 3
days. See what happens when you go overseas? Go to Hong Kong, you immediately
learn Kung-Fu. Go to Germany, and you automatically learn how to chug 500
ounces of warm beer in 10 seconds. Go to France and become a complete sissy
right as you step off the plane. Go to Amsterdam and learn how far $20 and a
complete set of teeth will get you with the upstanding women of the Red Light
District. Go to the Middle East, and you'll learn how to stink all the time no
matter how many showers you take. I love our world and its many hidden
treasures.
While
the sequel didn't have any real big explosive action set pieces, it does offer
plenty of Kung-foolery. Though Jackie Chan doesn't quite move the way he did 10
years ago, he's still the most entertaining martial artist to ever hit the big
screen. And yes my brutha's, Chris Tucker's mouth is on autopilot. The man is
hilarious. You will not be bored. In fact, you'll be holding a smile like I did
for the entire 90 minutes. Well, part of my smile was the complimentary hand
job I was receiving during the movie, but that's what you get when you're a VIP
like I am.
Some
critics only gave this movie an average rating. But I can't really blame them,
because like me, they've grown tired of all of the shite that been released
this year. However, they were wrong in saying it's a tired old formula. It's a
very entertaining movie and I've never..neva eva eva..laughed so hard during
the outtakes at the end of a Jackie Chan movie. You can see how much fun these
two were having shooting this sequel. I'm sure the big paychecks may have
contributed to this as well though..Rush Hour 3? Sure, it's coming. Don't
expect it for another 3 years though. Chan's up to his ears shooting 4-5 movies
in the next 12 months. Chris Tucker will probably only do maybe 1 movie in the
next year, but that's just cuz he's keepin' it real.
So
if you're sick of watching monkeys run around, or dinosaurs run around, then
watch a black guy and a Chinese guy run around. You can do this by either
popping off some shots in your local K-Mart with a Beretta, rent a tank and
drive it through Chinatown re-enacting Tiananman Square, or pay your $8.00 and
go see Rush Hour 2. I paid my $8.00, and it kept me from going to jail once
again. Thanks Jackie!
My
rating:
--- Full Price
- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For My Next Review In Another Month...