RUNNING SCARED
Reviewed by: George ‘El Guapo’ Roush
Starring: Paul
Walker, Vera Farmiga, Chazz Palminteri, Cameron Bright, Johnny Messner, Michael
Cudlitz, Alex Neuberger
Writer and Director: Wayne Kramer
MPAA Rating: Rated R for
pervasive strong brutal violence and language, sexuality and drug content.
****DISCLAIMER**** These
reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Rule of thumb #14. Check your
movie seat before sitting down. Some asshole may have pooped out his bubble
gum. Oh, and that will be my only swear word in this review. I promise.
Paul Walker is an
international blockbuster movie star whose credits and earned income for movie
studios rival that of nuclear equipped third world countries. It is in these
facts that made me ask some celebs what they think of when they hear the name
Paul Walker:
George Lucas: “Paul
Walker was my first choice as Anakin Skywalker. But he was so commited to his
other projects I couldn’t pull him away. I’m hoping to now write the last three
chapters of the Star Wars films centering on a rogue Jedi named Paulgone
Walkingaroundandaround.”
Kevin Smith: “I
love Paul Walker. I love Paul Walker so much I would eat him. I would let him f
my mother, then stay for dinner and crap on my Daredevil rug.”
Jessica Alba: “Was
he the guy I starred with in Into the Blue or the Torch guy from Fantastic
Four? Oh my God! I can’t remember! I was so focused on my acting. Flame off!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!”
Joe Pesci: “Who
the fuck is Paul Walker and why the fuck are you in my
kitchen?”
Our ‘Tough as cotton’ movie
this week is Running Scared a.k.a. Running Walker In My Sink starring Paul
‘Kung Fu Grip’ Walker as Joey Gazelle, a low life small time New Jersey mobster
whos job is to stash guns his mobster buddies have used in crimes. Also
starring Chazz Palminteri as a dirty cop, Vera Farmiga as Paul Walker’s wife
Teresa, Alex Neuberger as his son Nicky and Cameron Bright as Nicky’s best
friend Oleg Yugorsky. Paul Walker (Who must always be referred to by full name
only) survives a gun battle in the beginning with his mobster buddies killing
undercover cops. Instead of dumping the gun used in the crime in a river he
stashes it at his house, where his son’s friend Oleg who lives next door takes
it. Oleg’s father is a Russian who loves John Wayne and one minute has a thick
Russian accent, then loses it the next. Oleg comes
home and pisses off his Dad, who then starts beating the Mom. Oleg then shoots
his father in the shoulder, and takes off with the gun that was used to kill
the cops. Thus begins a frantic search for the runaway Oleg to retrieve the
weapon used in the killing of said cops. Jesus, I’m so excited.
Running Scared is a film
filled with assholes. I’m not kidding. Everyone in this movie is an asshole.
Paul Walker’s character is an asshole, his wife is an asshole, his kid is an
asshole, Oleg is an asshole, the cop is an asshole and the mobsters are
assholes. Even the pimp, ho, diner chef, crack addict, crack dealer, diner
janitor, Oleg’s Dad and Mom and small part pharmacist in this movie play
assholes. You even get a shot of Paul Walker’s bare naked ass and we know
there’s an asshole floating around in there somewhere. If there was ever an
asshole quota needed to be made for a film, this is it. I think the dude
sitting in front of me was an asshole too, but I’m not sure.
Director Wayne Kramer who
wrote the fabulous movie The Cooler and the not so fabulous movie Mindhunters brings
to the table one of the more violent pictures I’ve seen in a long time. Running
Scared is filled with swearing, naked chicks, gun fights, shotgun blasts,
fighting, punching, blood, driving and more swearing. This is the perfect movie
to relieve your home life which is probably filled with just as much swearing,
fighting and blood. I’m sure Tarantino saw this and thought to himself “Man, I gotta
slap my name on this and pretend I had something to do with its creation like I
have countless other movies!!”
Filmed in Oliver Stone
CinoScope and edited with loving care by a professional team of Herpes infested
crack monkeys, you know you’re watching one tough son of a bitch movie. Not
only is everyone an asshole, but everyone is tougher then 100 year old beef
jerky. We know Paul Walker plays a tough guy because he’s wearing the
prequisite grey hood under black leather jacket, cementing him into ‘Marky
Mark’s New Jersey Tough Guy Club’. His wife is a no nonsense back talking
The plot isn’t bad except for
some laughable dialogue, inplausible scenarios and 75 different ways you can
hear tires screeching. The action never dies down. When it does die down, the
wife gets involved in a
confusing small story branch about child kidnapping and
pornography. I have no idea what the hell it was doing in the movie but more
violence comes as a result of it, so who am I to argue with whatever crap was
floating through Wayne Kramer’s weed infested brain as he wrote this script.
There’s also a nice scene inside a hockey rink where Paul Walker takes a few
good pucks square in the face, spits up blood and still manages to do a Mel
Gibson roll and shoot manuever. In fact, Paul Walker is so tough,
his sperm will ignore its chosen destiny and go straight for the heart, killing
his lover instantly.
Paul Walker’s acting skills
have upped from Lobotomy Patient to Angry Eyes Potato Head Man. Paul Walker
does a decent job, proving he can carry a movie as long as Vin Diesel isn’t
around. Hey, movie snobs may hate Paul Walker’s acting chops, but at least the
guy is trying. Unlike say…Adrian Brody, who can only play the part of Adrian Brody. Paul Walker
also has another movie coming out in February called Eight Below about a couple
of Antarctic explorers who have to rescue their sled dogs they left behind. I
wonder who tried to hump Paul Walker’s legs more…the sled dogs or Chazz
Palminteri.
Despite what appears to be
hate in my review for Running Scared, I actually enjoyed it. There was a lot of
action and a lot of swearing. Being Italian and German, that’s all I can hope
for. My only problem with Running Scared was they punked out at the end. I’m
not going to tell you what I mean by that, because that would make me an
asshole. And I ain’t no asshole.
MY RATING:
FULL PRICE<<<<<<<
Matinee
Wait For DVD
Wait for Cable
Wait For Running Skurred
starring Martin Lawrence!