OWEN WILSON

****DISCLAIMER****This interview is for entertainment purposes only. Zeus? Hercules? Superman? Mere pussies compared to a man who will live on in our hearts forever.

Owen Wilson. The name strikes smiles into children and adults alike. A man who's movie career, although extensive in length, has just begun. A man who overcame numerous obstacles to get to the throne he is at now. A man who is prayed to more often than Jesus, Mary, Buddha, or Zeus. I thought a man..excuse me...God such as Owen should be written about. Although numerous articles have sprung up over the past decade or so praising this man and his acting ability, none have really shed light on the man himself. I had the pleasure of interviewing Owen Wilson. This is his story...

Owen Wilson was born Edgar Hubert Wilson. The son of Wally Wilbur Wilson on July 3rd, 1967. The 4th child in his family, Edgar was raised with his 8 brothers and 4 sisters in a small shack just outside of Branson, Missouri. Edgar never knew his father Wally, who died at the young age of 67 from sperm deprivation. Edgar took it amongst himself to help raise his other brothers and sisters and Mother by working jobs at the coal mines. It was there he found his true calling.

"I'd say I was about 8 or 9 years old when I discovered what I was going to do with my life. After I dragged out 3 men from a mine collapsing, saving their life and becoming a town hero, I knew my true calling would be acting on the big screen. The men kept saying to me "We is owin' you everything Edgar." It was at that moment when I changed my name to Owen. Because I believed, and still do to this day, that everyone be Owen me something. A week later, when the Mayor of Branson re-named the Go-Kart and Miniature Golf Amusement Fun Center to Owen's House Of Pleasure For Ages 8 To Adult, I wanted to expand my powers all over the world, and not just let the small town of Branson, Missouri enjoy what I had to offer the world."

Owen then packed his bags at the age of 10 and set off for Hollywood. A parade was thrown in his honor every year, but Owen was feeling the pressures of becoming a local celebrity was too much for him to bear. That's when he decided to leave.

" I just got tired of sharing the spotlight with big names such as Boxcar Willie and The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. I wanted to show everyone that I could become as big a star as they were."

But the road to happiness was not an easy one. Owen traveled for days before coming across a small traveling circus. It was there that he auditioned for his first role. That of the child clown who had to sweep up after the events. It was there when he was turned down for the first, and only time, in his life.

"I remember holding the broom in my hand the same way that John Wayne would hold his gun. But I believe my performance was too strong for the owner Jack Lubiskis and Bearded Lady Rosie O'Donneletium. I then tried a stance from the ancient Snake Fist Kung-Fu style, but Jack kept asking me why it looks like I'm trying to shove the broom handle up my ass. I guess that's why his circus was done traveling months later. He never recognized true talent when it fell into his lap."

Owen found his way to Hollywood, California and quickly became noticed by studio mogul Richard Fossman. "I will never forget that day." recalls Richard, "I was walking down the street when a saw a 10 year old boy entertaining people on the sidewalk by doing impressions of grown men begging for their lives after a mine had collapsed on them. I tell you, that boy had a wild imagination. It was then when I approached him and asked him to become a star in my movies."

Owen soon became that star by landing leading roles in the now famous pictures Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and A Christmas Story. This would lead to all of the roles he is seen in now.

"I was pushing for the studio to change the name of the picture to 'Willy Wilson and the Chocolate Factory starring Owen Wilson' but they wouldn't budge. I guess my negotiating skills were still in their infancy at such a young stage of my career." says Owen.

When Owen became a teenager, he starred in such hits as The Lost Boys, The Goonies, and even played Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. But then he began to experiment with drugs and alcohol. He would party late and sleep all day, always waking up to a different girl. It was a lifestyle he knew he had to change.

"One morning I woke up with my maid next to me in my bed. While a sweet lady, Lolita and I could never communicate. I guess it was because she couldn't speak English. But I was thinking to myself..why do I want to be like this? My friend Cory Feldman was destroying himself at the time and I thought it would be beneficial for my career if I cleaned my act up and the media would never, ever again associate cocaine with Owen Wilson. That and I didn't want the cops to find out I had given my now departed buddy River Phoenix some bad blow."

After cleaning up his act and winning a record breaking 7 Oscars in just 4 years for Best Actor, Owen began to star in even more famous roles.

"I loved working with Arnold in Terminator 2. It really showcased my ability to play a bad guy. And just a little secret for my fans, there was no CG involved whenever I was shot or merged into the floor or became the security guard at the mental hospital. That was straight up Owen Wilson acting baby."

"In fact, I'm is so good at becoming the character I play on screen, people still think it was Whoopi Goldberg playing the lead in Sister Act 1 & 2. Nope, it was me. Owen Wilson. And I wish James Earl Jones would stop taking credit for his voiceover work in the Star Wars movies. It's so immature and petty of him."

His career has many highlights and Owen loves recalling them. He plans to write a book about his experiences in Hollywood. If he should ever retire.

"My favorite scene in all of my movies had to be when I was holding onto Kate Winslet's hand before sinking into the icy waters. I thought that was my most powerful scene. I wanted to change the script to where I saved everyone aboard that sinking ship but James Cameron wouldn't hear of it. He said it wouldn't be true to the story and what happened to all of those people who died tragically. I mean, come on. It was a piece of fiction. No one who had seen the flick would know the difference if I had saved those people as opposed to letting them just die. I mean, it was a movie for Christ's sake. I think James was just going for a more dramatic ending."

Though Owen commands a hefty $50 million per picture, he says it's not money that he's after.

"I'm a simple man. I don't need fancy things in my life. I just want to provide some small security for my children." said Owen while sipping a dry martini at the pool of his $125 million dollar mansion.

Owen then ended our interview. He told me he had to hurry and go to the studio to play "Some Spider guy who fights this Goblin dude while swinging around a fake New York city. It should be fun. I just hate getting my golden locks all messed up after putting on some dumb mask." I thanked Owen for the interview and shook his hand. He invited me to come back at any time. I accepted his offer right before his security guards escorted me off the premises.

Please cherish what has been said by our God. I hope you enjoyed reading what Owen had to say as much as I did. I will now end this article and go to sleep. Right next to my inflatable doll in the likeness of Owen Wilson.