THE MUMMY RETURNS

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. The odds of you reading this review, 1:1. Odds of laughing at this review, 2:1. Odds of you agreeing with this review, 1,000,000:1.

After a month off from traveling around the world and mystifying women with my supernatural sense of humor and going by the name of Fordays, first name Dick, I am now refreshed and ready to pound you into submission with more of my lovable, huggable reviews.

Our 'pork chops and applesauce' movie this week is The Mummy Returns (a.k.a. El Cinco De Mummy!) starring that big loser Brendan Fraser reprising his role as Rick O' Connell the swashbuckling adventurer. Also starring in this Never Will Be A Classic On TNT is Rachel Weisz returning as Brendan's wife. And making his big screen debut as The Scorpion King was Dwayne Johnson a.k.a. The Rock. Rosie O' Donnell briefly appears as The Slug Queen but she's quickly killed when the magic carpet she was riding couldn't handle the weight and dropped her over a canyon. The rest of the original cast is also back but I don't feel like putting all of their names in here. Don't like it? Need that info? Than go read Ebert's reviews.

Normally this is the paragraph where I would go into great detail explaining the plot of the movie, however, I have no idea what the plot of this movie was. I think it was this...and you can write to me if I'm wrong which I never am...Imhotep who was the main baddie in the first Mummy is about to be resurrected. Again. He's supposed to be resurrected (again) because his former lover, Anck-Su-RaminNoodle-Poolhall-Blunt-Buy-Them-A-Drink-Pass-Out-Take-Adva ntage-Of-Them, played by ultra older but still ultra hot Patricia Velasquez (also resurrected again) wants to reunite with him. But then they say they need him resurrected (again) because the Scorpion King is going to be resurrected after 5,000 years for some dumb reason and Imabigho is the only guy strong enough to fight him. But they need the Scorpion King's bracelet to bring him back. 10 minutes later, they don't need the bracelet. Huh? What did they use to bring him back then? Red Bull? Whatever. Maybe I missed something in between yawns. Apparently resurrections are a big thing in Egypt. I wish my sex life would get resurrected as fast as these mummies. I really do. Please stop laughing at me...

So Brendan and Rachel are now married and they have a 8 to 10 year old kid named Alex played by Freddie Boath. (I guess I am going into the cast, huh?) Now I have never heard of this kid actor and if I'm lucky, I'll never hear of him again. Why? Because he sucked, that's why. He couldn't deliver his lines without staring at the cue cards, he was stiff as a board, and he had that annoying kid bowl haircut thing going. I don't care if he's 10 years old and this is his first major motion picture. He better improve on his acting or he's gonna end up in the land of Todd Bridges. Why am I rambling on about this damn kid?? Alex gets a hold of The Scorpion King's bracelet which was hanging on the clearance rack of Wal-Eygpt and sticks it on his wrist. Now he can't get it off and he's got 7 days to get to some pyramid or he turns into Liberace. Something like that. None of the movie made any sense so I was filling in my own plot points as I was watching it. Believe me, nothing in The Mummy Returns makes any sense. Hell, my review makes more sense. Ok, I won't go that far...

Before I saw this I had the fear of it being nothing but a computer generated carnival with the actors thrown in the background. I wish to thank the director Stephen Sommers for not disappointing me. This movie was the biggest CG mess I have ever seen on screen. George Lucas has nothing on this dude. Half the time the mummies looked good, half the time they looked like crap. The graphics would sometimes clash with the backgrounds, Brendan's acting would sometimes clash with everyone else he was on screen with, and I believe that Rachel Weisz's body was also enhanced by computer graphics because it looked like her breasts were switching between an 'A' cup and a 'C' cup in different scenes. What was Sommers doing when the graphics people were working on this movie? Getting baked with Lucas, that's what. There's a lot of action, you won't have to worry about that, but it gets really old after a while watching these guys chop up fake little monsters for 2 hours. There are a couple of normal human fight scenes and a couple of girl-on-girl fight scenes which were pretty good, but I'm baffled at how Egyptians in the 30's knew 75 different styles of martial arts. Wait until you see the fight at the end with Brendan, Imahobag, and The Scorpion King who looked like a hermit crab from hell. It was probably the phoniest looking monster in the whole movie.

If you're a wrestling fan and you're going to see this for The Rock, then prepare to be disappointed as he's only in the movie for about 4 minutes. People in Hollywood were talking about what a great performance he did. If you count screaming, swinging your sword, raising your arms, and speaking really bad Egyptian good acting then The Rock gets his Oscar. Now he's filming the prequel to The Mummy called The Scorpion King. Wow. Now I can look forward to 2 hours of screaming, sword swinging, arm raising, and really bad Egyptian Rock dialogue.

The only good thing about seeing this was I got to see the trailer for Jurassic Park III, another sequel which will no doubt be disappointing. But I'm sure the American audience who will enjoy The Mummy Returns. Why? Because they won't have to think about anything or question anything in the movie. They can just sit there and let the popcorn land all over their shirt as they stare at the pretty graphics on the screen pretending to see things they haven't seen before. Man, we Americans are idiots. No wonder the British and the Japanese make fun of us on a daily basis. Hollywood feeds us garbage and we return the favor by giving them a $40 million dollar opening weekend. One reviewer called it a " roller coaster ride that takes you up, down, and then spins you upside down and throws you for another roll." Gee, that was an original line. Sir, if I knew you personally I would slap you silly then kick your dog. Jackass.

My rating:

- Full Price

- Matinee

--- Wait For Video

- Wait For Cable

- Wait For The Dummy Returns: My Next Review