THE HULK
****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. Like Romeo and Juliet, Demi Moore and Ashton
Kutcher, Spike Lee and his ego, my reviews and your heart are one in the same.
My sweet words will slide off of your tongue like the entire 1998
Norwegian Bobsled Team slipping through Demi's cleavage. It's a wonder we
haven't met earlier...
Movie tie in merchandise is nothing new to the world of cinema. Whenever a hot
new movie is about to hit the theaters, the studios want to make sure the
general public is made aware of its presence months before hand. The Hulk is no
exception. Already there are multiple Hulk action figures, shirts and
re-released Hulk cartoons to get us pumped up for its theatrical release. But
for every idea that hits store shelves there are also numerous ideas that
didn't quite make it. I managed to sneak into the offices and garbage bins at
Universal Studios and discovered some ideas that when tested, didn't
quite hit the buying populace.
1. Universal Hulk Condoms: Make this condom angry and it turns green
and grows 15 inches larger in size. While a novel idea, the testing
process never quite went as well as planned when every Caucasian and
Asian male left the room feeling even more inadequate then when they
had first walked in.
2. Holy Hulk Water: When this green holy water at the front of churches
was used, our sins were immediately flushed out of our bodies by this
ultra powerful Holy Hulk Healer. But churchgoers complained that children kept
screaming "DEMON SMASH!" during communion and the idea was nixed.
3. Hulk's Colla'd Greens: To be sold only in Harlem and other low
poverty areas, Hulk's Colla'd Greens came in a 25 pound can that fed up to
sixteen children and five baby daddies in one sitting. Unfortunately, the
government would not honor food stamps for both the greens and a 40 ounce
bottle of Schlitz Hulk Liquor at the same time so the idea was kicked
to the curb.
4. 2003 Hulk SUV: The newest entry into the SUV market, the 2003 Hulk SUV was a
7,000 pound green sport utility that got 3 miles to the gallon and
could run over the new Hummer with ease. But the car manufacturers could never
fix the computer chip that caused the car to grow 50 times in size, start
honking "CAR SMASH!" and automatically sent the Hulk SUV
into other vehicles whenever the driver was cut off. Any attempt to
manually turn off the Anger Overdrive sent the SUV into Panic mode which caused
it to crash through Subway stores until it killed either Jared or that other
annoying Subway commercial guy.
5. Play Time With The Hulk: Sensing kids would fall in love with the jolly green
giant, TV executives green lit the pilot for a new Hulk children's live action
show. Things went great until one of the kids started crying causing The Hulk
to get angry and smash the entire set. Stupid stupid kids.
Our 'REVIEW SMASH!' movie this week is The Hulk (a.k.a. Rosie's First Stand-In
Credit) starring Eric Bana as Bruce Banner, a geneticist whose exposure to a
lethal dose of gamma radiation triggers a chemical change within his DNA that
causes him to become a huge ultra powerful hulk like monster whenever he gets
angry. Man, that was a long sentence. Jennifer Connelly is Bruce's love
interest Betty Ross and is the daughter of General Ross played by Sam Elliot.
Rounding out this cast of Hulkamaniacs is everyone's favorite crack whore Nick
Nolte, playing Bruce's Dad David Banner and about 200 extras playing
background soldiers. Josh Lucas is also in the movie but no one cares about
him.
Set in the WhoKnowsWhere desert outside of the Bay Area, The Hulk begins by
introducing us to David Banner and his wacky attempts with DNA
experimentation and its effects on his son Bruce. Straying a bit from the
original comic book origin of how the Hulk came to be, writer James Schamus
applies a twist to it being more than just a blast of gamma radiation
that changes Bruce into the largest Garbage Pail Kid ever created. You
see, once Bruce was exposed to the gamma radiation as an adult, it
triggered a somewhat dormant fusion of passed on genetics that ends
up releasing the rage within him. I suppose that's close enough. Once that
gets out of the way we are treated to a love story, a military
general who vows to stop what has been created and a 13 foot tall green guy who
destroys everything that gets in his way. Eric Bana does a good job of
portraying Bruce Banner and Jennifer Connelly plays...well...Jennifer Connelly
I suppose. Her character of Betsy Ross never seems to go much further
other than her spouting out lines like "Bruce!" and
"We can help him Daddy!". But it doesn't matter what character
she plays, she's the girlfriend every guy would love to have and every
husband would love to go through a messy divorce for. Nick Nolte who is
still very charismatic on screen for being a washed up old cokehead, still gets
the job done and gives a nice performance. Sam Elliott is ok and I am a fan of
his work, but he just goes the way of the Steven Seagal and has one facial
expression throughout the movie. Like he's secretly hoping for his laxative to
kick in.
I'm sure the big question on everyone's mind is "How does The Hulk
look?" Let me assure you that he looks awesome. I don't care how many
CGI critics there are, it is amazing how far the technology has come
along. The Hulk looks, acts, and smashes just like you imagine he would. There
are some shots that look questionable but that's what happens when you're
working on a character who's completely computer generated, so don't be too
harsh. After all, Jennifer Lopez's ass has been augmented by CGI special
effects for years now and no one has said anything. (I'm sure once she's out of
the public eye that heapin' ham just plops out of that dress and picks up
all kinds of dirt and grime off of the sidewalk.) I had my doubts before seeing
this film as to how real The Hulk would look, but they were wiped away by
watching the utter carnage on screen. Think about this, when you were a
kid reading Hulk comic books and jumping around in your Hulk underoos, did you
ever imagine that you would one day be watching a real life representation of
him onscreen? I know I never imagined it. I was too busy wondering
why my Mom had gotten me those stupid Care Bear underoos.
Clocking in at just over 2 hours, the pace of the film at times can start
to slow down, but then gives you an immediate jolt once Bruce turns into The
Hulk. I would liked to have seen more of The Hulk onscreen but by giving
him to us sparingly, it helps you sympathize with Bruce and his out of control
alter ego. It also gives you the chance to not blink for 10 minutes at a time.
Ang Lee does a great job of pacing and delivering a comic book character
who doesn't exactly fit into the normal "superhero" category. There
are scenes in the film where the story is told by showing 2 or 3 frames of
action going on at the same time. Kind of like what a comic book page would
look like. While I admire what he was trying to do, there are times when these
shots are unnecessary and can distract you from what's going on onscreen. Or
maybe it was the girl with the double d's who was sitting next to me that was
distracting. The only thing I felt was wrong with the movie was the
disappointing conclusion with Bruce and his father. Oh well. Not everything can
be perfect.
The Hulk is a refreshing change for a comic book movie and I'm sure we'll hear
about the greenlit sequel once it rakes in millions of dollars in its opening
weekend. And I'm glad too. It was cool watching a character just go nuts and
destroy tanks and smash up cars. I'm not going to classify this as a 'popcorn
movie' because whoever uses that term is an idiot and should be shot. You get a
decent story and lots of destruction. Now all we have to do is sit
back and wait for the inevitable porn version coming out with a green
painted Ron Jeremy screaming "Penis Smash!" That should be a
hoot.
My
rating:
--- Full
Price
- Matinee
- Wait
For DVD/Video
- Wait
For Cable
- Wait
For The Ho starring Halle Berry