HOLLYWOOD
HOMICIDE
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entertainment purposes only. The views and opinions expressed in these reviews
do not reflect the views and opinions of Latinoreview.com's staff
or its other writers. Actually, now that I think about it, they don't
necessarily reflect the opinions and views of 99.9% of the rest of the
civilized world...
Our
'Harrison Loves Hartnett' movie this week is Hollywood Homicide (a.k.a. H To
The H) starring everyone's favorite aging action hero Harrison Ford as Joe
Gavilan and everyone's favorite hunk of burning love Josh Hartnett, who to this
day, still talks like Froggy from the Little Rascals. Harrison and Hartnett
play two homicide detectives investigating the murder of a rap group who may
have been marked for death by their slick record executive boss
played by Isaiah Washington. I'm not sure which is funnier. The fact that
somebody actually put Ford and Hartnett together in a movie hoping
that they could get the over 50 and under 15 demographic in the same movie
theater or that anyone would actually care if a rapper was murdered.
Unless it was Eminem. Then all the crackers would be up in somebodies
bidness!! Hollywood Homicide not only stars one of the world's most beloved
actors of our time, but it also has Harrison Ford, Dwight Yoakam, Lou Diamond
Phillips, Keith David AND Master P! Jesus Christ somebody get me my
popcorn and Corn Nuts!
Since
the real wages of policemen are kind of paltry for the work they do, our two
private detectives also have side jobs. Ford works as a real estate broker
trying to dump his Mt. Olympus property. He is the wise gritty cop who
orders hamburgers and shakes his head as if to say "Boy, I am a real man's
man and I gots to sell me some property, solve a murder, and get my grub
on!" Hartnett is a part time yoga instructor who wishes to one day quit
the police force and become an actor. Which is funny because I'm waiting for
him to become an actor too. Not only is the murder case the main plotline, but
selling real estate, getting framed by Internal Affairs, a weak love story
involving Harrison Ford and Lena Olin, and a tie between a murder suspect and
Hartnett's father who was also a policeman are thrown at us. What's that
last connection all about? It seems
that Hartnett's Dad was KILLED IN THE LINE OF DUTY BY A
CORRUPT PARTNER! No way! Could that corrupt partner also be part of the main
plot? He couldn't be...could he? Because I tell you what, a twist like that could
start a whole new genre of cop movies where the cop ends up running
into the person who killed his
father/mother/wife/girlfriend/cousin/parakeet and or best friend!
The
first hour or so seems to crawl by as we are introduced to the insanity of the
Hollywood police force and the supposed chemistry of our two stars. They belong
together as much as well as...oh...Ruben from American Idol and
a salad bar buffet table. The two just don't mix. I guess since we've
all seen the good cop/bad cop, black cop/white cop, grouchy cop/foreign cop,
and goofy cop/canine cop movies, Hollywood Homicide treats us to old cop/young
cop. Does it work? No. It was like watching an episode of Barnaby Jones.
This film made The Rookie look good. When scenes of supposed
amusement are presented to us, we are treated to a soundtrack that sounded
like it was played by an 11 year old who just got his first Casio keyboard.
This was our cue to let us know that something funny was gonna happen! And
nothing's funnier than Master P saying "Fo Sho" for the 500th
time. The script is bogged down by unnecessary jokes that try to make you
laugh but come off looking tired. One such scene has Ford and Hartnett in two separate
rooms as they are being grilled by Internal Affairs. Ford just keeps answering
his cell phone, while Hartnett goes into yoga positions. I just started
throwing Corn Nuts at the screen.
But
what about the action? Well, the climax comes to us by way of a car chase
sequence followed by an extra long foot chase through the streets and
rooftops of Hollywood. If you have ever driven in Hollywood you would
have known that a car chase scene such as the one in this movie would have been
impossible. The bad guys would have gotten 10 feet before getting stuck in a
traffic jam. Unless you're OJ. Then you can pretty much go in the
drive-thru before getting pulled over. Now, I don't want you to think that
there was nothing positive about Hollywood Homicide, so I shall dedicate my
next paragraph to its good points.
Let's
wrap things up shall we? With Hollywood Homicide we are treated to Josh
Hartnett who plays each character with the exact same tone and line
delivery. He must be taking classes with Ben Affleck. And let's not
forget an aging Harrison Ford desperately trying to cling on to his
career before he goes out with a big bang in Indiana Jones 4:The Search For The
Social Security Unicorn. I'm not sure why Harrison Ford would even do a movie
like this. Then again, I'm not sure why he's dating Calista Flockhart unless he
likes to hang her on his front door on Halloween. Movies like this one are
the reason there is no Movie Screening Police Department, because I would
have called them for the murder of a great actor's career.
My
rating:
- Full
Price
- Matinee
- Wait
For DVD/Video
--- Wait For
Cable
- Wait
For Hollywood Hangover starring Nick Nolte