HANNIBAL
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they may understand what the hell it is I'm writing better than most adults
would.
Serial
killer movies are always big bucks at the box office. In celebration of the
wonderful world of human tragedy, I've decided to list the top 5 serial killers
of all time...
- Carlos 'The Cantina' Cortez: Known throughout
Mexico as the Gate Keeper, Carlos has killed many of his own countrymen as
soon as they've crossed the border into California. For some unknown
reason, the United States Government has yet to arrest Carlos even though
he works right next to the border in a brown building with a big flag on
the roof sporting a huge bell.
- Ronald The McDonald: The FBI has been
investigating this man for decades, believing his so called 'food for
kids' is really Play-Doh in disguise. Hundreds of thousands of small
children have experienced what Ronald likes to call 'The Happy Kill'.
Although his fast food chains are still in business, Ronald has been on
the lamb since 1984. Rumors of him hiding out in small caves is Missouri
have yet to be confirmed.
- Reggie 'The Flame' Winden: Charged of numerous
murders in the gay community, Reggie still sends letters to the Police,
claiming his actions are the cause of bad hair days and extremely
unorganized parades. Though still on the run, Police have assured citizens
that they will soon have Reggie in custody. Officers have combed every
European hair salon and Import furniture store in the Tri-State area.
- Spix The Bunny: Sick, vile and
disgusting are the words used to describe this former mascot of the famous
cereal. After decades of being rejected and humiliated by children, Spix
has taken his revenge by placing a ball of crack in 1 out of 10 boxes of
cereal. Even after a worldwide recall, the body count still rises.
- Rosie 'The potatoes are mine' O'Donnell: No evidence has yet
risen to link Rosie with anyone's death, but many human beings have been
known to starve whenever they've had to share the same buffet table with
this famous talk show host.
Our
'raid the fridge' movie this week is Hannibal (a.k.a. That's SIR Hannibal To
You Yanks!) starring Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal 'The Cannibal' Lector and
Jodie Fos....whoops! Jodie's not in this movie! Instead we have bench player
Julianne Moore as Clarice Starling, the FBI agent that used Hannibal's help in
catching Buffalo Bill from Silence Of The Lambs ten years ago. Is the sequel to
one of the greatest suspense thrillers as good as it appears? Is the audience
scared? Do we feel all creepy inside after watching the movie? Well...I felt
creepy, but that was because I blew $20 and wasted two hours of my life.
Hannibal
starts off ten or so years after Silence Of The Lambs. Clarice Starling is
living la vida loca, and Hannibal Lector is trouncing around Italy. Hannibal
isn't really about too much plot wise. A quad-billionaire, played by one of the
best actors of the decade Gary Oldman (who strangely goes uncredited in this
picture), has put out a huge reward for the capture of Hannibal Lector. It
seems Oldman's character, Mason Verger, survived one of Hannibal's attacks. So
the story goes, Clarice trying to track down Hannibal Lector after an Italian
policeman unknowingly tipped the FBI off to his whereabouts. Clarice also got a
letter from Hannibal, but I don't think she paid much attention to it...
I
have to admit that I did read the book and I was thourole...thuroley...stupid
words... Really disappointed in it. It wasn't suspenseful, it wasn't
exciting, and it had the dumbest ending. So Hollywood, knowing the ending blew
and losing Jodie Foster's return because of it, changed the ending for the
movie. However, they should have also changed the beginning and the middle as
well. After 70 minutes of crap, we end up getting to some action in the movie.
I know, I know...it's not supposed to be a fast paced thriller, but a slow,
methodical, twisting of the senses. Please. I don't care what the movie is, if
nothing is going on in the first hour, then you've lost me pal. A lot of people
are raving about Julianne Moore's performance, but I didn't think it was
anything special. In fact, I was too busy counting all of the freckles on her
face. Julianne is a good actor but I missed Jodie Foster's stronger presence.
Plus she was freckle free. And what of Anthony Hop-a-long-kids? Well, he was
Anthony. His character this go round was played up as more of a happy go lucky
guy than a psychopath. He just wasn't intimidating enough, although I fault the
script for that more than his performance. Hannibal the book and Hannibal the
movie are the same in that we're supposed to root for the bad guy. Ya, like I
want a guy who eats people running around. It's bad enough that O.J. is still
on the loose.
Ridley
Scott, though a good director, once again, approves the editing shots during
action scenes like he's filming a music video. During a shootout with the bad
guys in the beginning, we get the quick cuts and close-up shots depicting the
action confusing the hell out of me as to what was going on. Do you even watch
your own movies Ridley? Or was the scene shot so poorly, you had to hide it
with quick flashes? Along with the editing, there were so many inconsistencies
throughout the film that were filled in in the book that it seemed like it
should have been called Hannibal: The Cliffnotes. It's a lose-lose situation
though, if they had put in more details, the movie would have stretched out
longer than Rosie's waistline. The end dinner scene also generated more laughs
from the audience than fear. Not the reaction I'm sure Ridley was looking for.
It reminded me of when the girls laugh when they see me naked. It's not really
the reaction I'm looking for either...
Although
it has gotten good reviews, I'm done with the whole Hannibal thing. Now they
want to do a fourth movie in the series, plus remake Red Dragon, the first book
about Lector. I don't know about you, but I'm all Hannibaled out. Thank God they
made another Friday The 13th movie though! Now there's a killer with
some personality!
My
rating:
-
Full Price
- Matinee
--- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For Handlinballs, The Sigfreid And Roy Story!