HARRY POTTER
AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
Starring: Danielle Radcliffe,
Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Jason Isaacs, Alan Rickman, Ralph Fiennes and the
usual gang of wizards and muggles.
Written by: Steven Kloves
& J.K. Rowling
Directed by: Mike Newell
Rated PG-13 for some intense
action sequences and boy-on-donkey make-out scenes.
****DISCLAIMER**** These
reviews are for entertainment purposes only. If you are a Warner Brothers
representative and happen to be reading this, please know in advance I will do
all I can to not tarnish the good name of Harry Potter. You might also want to
know that I can shoot fireballs out of my ass while juggling Cheetos.
The holidays are upon us with
a bevy of overrated hack movies about to be unleashed on your hard earned
paycheck. What’s coming out in the next couple of months? Let’s take a look:
Get Rich or Die Trying: Half Dollar makes own version of family fun entertainment
with even more gangsta Kool-Aid flava. Only this time, you won’t be able to
understand a word the star is saying since he sounds like he has Down’s
Syndrome every time he opens his mouth. If you want to know what Get Rich will
be about, just go ahead and read my review of 8 Mile (http://www.moviereviewer.biz/Pages/8Mile.htm).
Aeon Flux:
Charlize Theron stars in the live action film version of the MTV animated
series. Nobody cares, but if she gets naked then it’s going to receive four
stars across the board.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Four kids travel to the
Memoirs of a Geisha: This will hopefully put more pressure on the Senate
to approve a Thai massage parlor that offers happy endings on every street
corner in
King Kong: Wow! We’ve never seen this movie before in its 5
million past incarnations. Only this time, Peter Jackson gets his nerd on with
his version of monkey love. Personally, I could care less. But the dorks who
miss Lord of the Rings will lap it up like ice cream off of their passed out
second cousin.
Big Momma’s House 2: Martin Lawrence is back to get all sassy and
negro-riffic on yo ass!
Our ‘guaranteed hookers and
champagne’ movie this week is Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire starring
everyone from the past three films. So thankfully I don’t have to get into the whole
credits thing because that would be a complete waste of time, space, and words
and I’m just not into wasting time, space and words with meaningless sentences
that have no bearing on the film at hand, causing you to wonder why I would put
all of that information in my review. Glad I was able to clear that up for you
homos.
In the 4th year at
Hogwarts, Harry has been unwillingly entered into the Triward Tournament. An
event that pits students from different wizardry schools in a series of
challenging tasks. After the wizards Victor Krum, Cedric Diggory and the lovely
Ms. Fleur Delacour are chosen, Harry’s name pops up as the surprise 4th
contestant. Problem is, the rules were changed to
where you must be 17 or older to be able to enter the tournament. So now
there’s a big old hoo-ha as to how Harry’s name was picked since his balls are
just now starting to drop. Balls of joy kids, stay with me. Along with having
to deal with the tournament, Harry must also try and handle his new found crush
on student Cho Chink Chang ( I think that’s her name,
or I’m just telling racist jokes again. Oh silly me!) and face the return of the evil Lord Voldemort. So if you’re
a teenage student who thinks their year is going bad, then you need to shut the
hell up and realize there are kids out there with bigger problems than your
parents finding out about your solo lipstick parties with the jr. varsity football team. The story does take a hit and
there are quite a few sub plots left out from the book. This is why I recommend
reading the books before seeing their film versions, to fill in the gaps and to
give J.K. Rowling more of that sweet delicious British coin she so richly
deserves. The plot does move along at a brisk pace and the 2 ½ hours seem to
fly by. There are some slow parts such as the dance sequence but the writers
make up for it by injecting a lot of humor into those scenes.
Mike Newell tries to bring the
5,692 page novel to life in what is the most action packed chapter in the
series to date, both on film and print. Yes, I do read the books. I cannot
possibly write a review on a film without extensive study and research. I’m a
professional people. My word is golden. Previous director Christopher Columbus
tried his best, but everyone knows what a hack he is, so thank God he won’t
ever be returning. Azkaban director Alfonso Cuaron also gave his best, but the
film was so slow and boring that I didn’t care for his artsy fartsy ‘dark’
version. Newell brings the perfect balance of humor, acting and action to the
screen. The kid stars have really come on their own in regards to line delivery
and you can see the payoff and hard work that the director and his staff put
into the teenagers acting lessons. Emma Watson as Hermione has really grown
both in emotional delivery and in cup size. She was fantastic and I look
forward to her career dying after the seven movies are made and she’s forced to
do Playboy. Danielle Radcliff, who is unfortunately turning into the ugliest
teenager since Rocky from the movie Mask, has also shown great improvement and
gets a chance to show a wider range of emotions this time around. Rupert Grint
as Ron Weasley just keeps making the same stupid diarrhea face he’s made in the
past three films, so nothing new going on with him. If you’re curious as to how
Ralph Fiennes does as Voldemort, don’t worry. He’s excellent in the role.
However, Brendan Gleeson as Mad Eye Moody steals the show and reminds you that
people such as Ashton Kutcher should not continue to
go around calling themselves actors with a straight face.
In regards to the tournament
scenes, they were done so masterfully I wanted to watch them again. And you
never read those kinds of lines in my reviews. Mark this as a first, because I
am now kissing everyone’s ass who was involved in this production. Everyone has
seen the dragon clip from the trailer, and that task Harry had to face with
said dragon was intense and extremely well shot. In fact, all of the action in
this film was fantastic. I’m going out to the store right now to buy kneepads because
if I ever run into Mike Newell and his director of photography I’m gonna have to get on my knees and show them how we
Americans are better at everything we do. Shining shoes baby. Shining shoes.
Yes, the film does deserve
it’s PG-13 rating, so if you’re a parent who too afraid to expose your kids to
loud noises, some blood and fake dragons then you go right ahead and continue
to live in your little Christian bubble of boredom. If your child is a Harry
Potter fan, they will love this film. If they don’t, then they are probably
spoiled rotten brats who don’t deserve the ability to read and should be
working in salt mines.
Is this the best movie I’ve
seen so far this year? I’m almost inclined to say yes. I was hooked from the
opening minute to the closing credits. I was also really, really hungry while
watching it so I could have just been delirious. This film will make Warner
Brothers millions of dollars which they deserve and perhaps give them incentive
to hire the 250-300 people back that they just laid off. If not, then there are
some job openings I will be applying for. I love you Warner Brothers. You gave
me 2 ½ hours of joy that I will always remember. God, I’m so wet right now…
My Rating:
Full Price
<<<<<<<<<<<
Matinee
Wait for DVD
Wait for Cable
Got a problem, pal? Then
e-mail me: george@latinoreview.com