GONE IN 60 SECONDS

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. I am not responsible for what happens to you after you read one of my reviews. If you shoot someone, claim Satan as your leader, or wake up as a Cuban, please blame somebody else for your problems. Not that there's anything wrong with shooting someone or claiming Satan as your leader. Wait...Why are there a bunch of Cubans outside my door with handguns????

I don't have any big opening commentary for this week's gospel lesson so let's just delve into our review with both legs pinned behind our ears like a $500 whore, ok?

Some Other Things Gone In 60 Seconds: (So I lied about the commentary.)

Rosie's dinner

Beer

My erecti.....never mind

Your brain after you read one of my reviews.

Our ‘badda-bing badda-boom’ movie this week is Gone In 60 Seconds (a.k.a. My Rep In Bed) starring none other than Mr. I'm An Action Star Nicholas Cage as a retired car thief who has to steal 50 cars in 72 hours or his brother, played by Giovioanni Ragoli-Spaghetti gets to sleep with the fishes for leading the police to a warehouse filled with stolen cars that were to be sold to some South African guy or something like that. The movie is produced by the worst producer and maker of action movies Jerry Bruckheimer who I don't think has put money into a credible film to date. Bad Boys, Armageddon, The Rock, Con-Air, and Flashdance were all overblown pieces of weak written, cardboard character, wait for the next action piece to get set up type of movies with nothing original or unique about them. Lucky for us, Jerry is keeping in his time honored tradition of putting out expensive shitty movies by giving us a remake of the old '70's car chase flick.

If any of you have seen the original it's about a few guys who just go out and steal cars. Nothing fancy or complicated (like there ever was a fancy or complicated 70's movie) just good old American thievery. But the one thing that made this movie a hit with car chase fans was the 35+ minute car chase scene at the end where 93 or so cars get totaled. So when I heard the remake was coming out, I just knew that it blow away the car chase scene of the original and that it would be as exciting as watching the car chases in Ronin. I then learned that Bruckheimer was producing it so I THEN realized that it would probably look to offer more than it actually had and that we would walk out of the theater completely disappointed. Thanks Jerry for proving me right again!

So why is this a bad movie? I guess I haven't really touched on that part yet. Well, here we go.... The characters are the typical melting pot of personalities and unshaven hero types. The black guy, the big guy, the computer guy, the dumb guy. Boring. Once again characters that have been in every one of Jerry's movies. Not one intelligent guy or car thieving secret given out in the painful ninety or so minutes. The evil villain English guy who's name I cannot recall nor care to, gives Cage 72 hours to get 50 cars or he'll kill his brother. So what does he do? He let's Cage's brother go with him. That makes lots of sense. If I'm expecting a guy to grab 50 cars for me and the only thing I have of his to make sure he does it is his brother's life, I'm not gonna let the dude go! What an idiot! Why should Cage even bother stealing the cars when he already has his brother? Leave the state. Leave the country. Give me a break. Angelina Jolie is in the movie too, but she's only in it for about 10 minutes so I'm not gonna bother with her. Besides, everyone's kissing her ass since she won an Oscar, not looking at the fact that she's a complete wacko.

One of the biggest things wrong with this movie besides the stupid ass plot and un-funny dialogue were the predictable scenes like one where they have to steal 3 Mercedes cars that the cops are watching in undercover vans throughout the city. There are 3 Mercedes cars in the beginning of the movie that get impounded from the police bust. As soon as they got impounded in the beginning of the movie, I knew that these guys were going to steal them from the police impound instead of from the streets. It was just too obvious. So what did they do? You guessed it. Stole 'em from the impound. Boy, does Bruckheimer have some talented people working for his dumb ass. I was gonna forgive everything wrong with this movie as I was watching the clock waiting for the big car chase scene. I was hoping for the 30 minute big chase scene with the '67 Mustang. In the original it was a '73 fastback Mustang, but a Mustang is a Mustang so who cares what year it is. Do we get the big chase scene with tons of wrecked cars?? Nope. We get a 10 minute crappy chase scene with about 9 cars that got destroyed. All of them cop cars. Whoop-de-doo. I'm not gonna even talk about the dumb-ass jump scene where he clears about a 4 mile radius doing 100 mph landing and destroying every suspension part on the car or when Cage hits the nitrous oxide, goes 150 mph and loses a helicopter. A helicopter. Uh-huh. Everyone involved with this movie can send me a refund check for making such a stupid piece of crap. The chases were nowhere near that of Ronin. Hell, they weren't even as good as the one done in Bullit. And Bullit didn't have the budget this one did. Plus the end chase scene wasn't even the ending action piece. It was once again Cage fighting the end villain who was shooting at him with a gun. Wow. I was blown away. What a shock.

I was reading some other reviews on IMDB.com for this movie. You know, regular people reviews and the such, not well-written masterpieces like these mind you, but they try, and one person writes that " Edge of your seat action for the last half hour ensures that you will walk out in awe" "The chase scenes are the best I have seen since Ronin, and I really enjoyed them. " What a yahoo. That's why I read other people's reviews. I laugh for hours. I mean, a lot of people think my reviews are funny, but reading these other reviews just crack me up. Each one of them are the same with no originality to them. All of you suck ass. My readership is decreasing by the week...

My rating:

- Full Price

- Matinee

- Wait For Video

--- Wait For Cable

- Wait For Gone In 60 Mexicans: An INS Love Story.