GODZILLA 2000

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. You are guaranteed to have nothing but fun as you read one of these thoughtful, respectful, honest and caring reviews as I give you one man's opinion of the movies I see and if they're worth the money to watch. This is what I give to my readers whom I have the utmost respect for. And if you don't like my reviews, then F*** you.

I know I've been off for a month, but I've had such an abundance of magazines and newspapers wanting to hire me that I've been busy with interviews...ok, so I didn't have any interviews, I was just too lazy to go to the theaters.

Our 'she looked legal' movie this week is Godzilla 2000 (a.k.a. A Night Out With Rosie) starring...well...starring Godzilla. Now I haven't seen a Godzilla movie since I was a kid. Not a real Godzilla movie anyway. That piece of crap that Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin made doesn't fit into the true Godzilla category, so I forgot how completely asinine they are. I mean a giant lizard surfaces from the ocean, destroys the same town every movie, and is considered a hero. What the hell is there to review? But I shall try my best without offending any Japanese people in the process.

Godzilla starts out with a shot of a nip Dad played by Idon'tknowhisname Ablahblaho and his chink daughter played by Training Brasaka. They're operating the Godzilla Prediction Network which is supposed to predict when and where Godzilla is going to resurface. Like it matters if they have a 2 hour advance warning. They're joined by a really cute reporter played by Bendmeover Nowaka. So here's the plot. Godzilla resurfaces from the dead (apparently the Japanese killed him in their last movie) pissed that his reputation was ruined by the round eye representation of him and begins to destroy all of the power plants in Tokyo or wherever the hell they're at. Apparently Godzilla's doing this for a reason or so we're led to believe. The scientists are competing with the CCI Organization led by Typical Badguyo who wishes to destroy Godzilla instead of study him. The CCI has also mistakenly discovered a flying saucer at the bottom of the ocean and it buzzes to life with one thing in it's mind... get the hell off this crazy ass planet after having to sit there under the ocean with nothing to watch but CNN coverage of Elian Gonzales and Tiger Woods. So here we go...it's Godzilla vs. The Flying Saucer. Whoopee.

When I was a kid Godzilla was the coolest looking dinosaur lizard I'd seen next to Marlon Brando. And for Godzilla 2000 they made him look even bigger and meaner. A lot meaner. Huge teeth, giant scales, and always looking really pissed off. I mean this guy doesn't take any crap from anyone. He just rumbles on his merry way destroying everything that gets in his path. I don't know why he's considered a hero when he levels a town every single time he surfaces killing more people that are in buildings and on the street. He causes more destruction in 90 minutes than in an entire season of the Power Rangers. Not that I ever watched the Power Rangers or anything. That's for kids. Giant monsters defeated by giant robots, who could watch that crap? Ok, so back to Godzilla. There aren't too many big special effects. The helicopters flying in the sky look totally fake. The missiles being shot at Godzilla by miniature tanks look phony as does the flying saucer itself. It weird but it looks like they filmed this movie with some guy in a rubber suit walking around in a miniature town, but we all know the Japanese built a 80 story mechanical Godzilla for their movies. No way would they go cheap on us now. Not with the technology they're holding from us.

This movie is only interesting when Godzilla is on the screen, which is about half the time. The other half is spent wasted on the scientists' discovery of Godzilla's regenerative cells and Rosie O' Donnell's regenerative appetite. It isn't until the fight scene at the end do things heat up with a creature that looks like a cross between the monster Luke Skywalker fought in Return Of The Jedi and the Godzilla in the American movie. Obviously they make him look like that as a big "F you" to the Americans. Those Japanese, what a sense of humor! The battle is pretty good, with Godzilla of course getting his ass kicked but shaking it off. He gets tossed around, punched, bitten, blasted, has a building fall on him, and his toenails painted pink. But all it serves to do is piss him off. So what's his answer? Torch every single thing in his path. When he charges up to "flame on" so to speak, it looks really cool. I have a couple of gay friends who charge up when they flame on" but it's disgusting looking.

None of you will ever go see this movie in the theater, only I'm dumb enough to do that, but I enjoyed going back to my childhood and watching a giant lizard destroy everything. This Godzilla looks and sounds much better than he did when I was a kid, and I enjoyed it. And I didn't fall asleep like I did during Godzilla 1985! But not everyone has a flava for Japanese movies like I do, and not everyone will enjoy it, so I'm gonna go with a little bit of a lower rating than what I want to give it. I didn't feel like I wasted my money, but 95% of you guys probably would. And if you took a girl, then there's a 95% chance she won't be letting you whip out little Godzilla later that night. Ouch. Man, my jokes suck...

My rating:

- Full Price
- Matinee
--- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For The New Russian Cereal Kurskies! Pour the milk and watch 'em sink