GLADIATOR
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Our
movie of love this week is Gladiator (a.k.a. Mortal Kombat: The Early Years)
starring everyone favorite Australian actor Russell Crowe who's popularity is
actually behind the more popular Australian actor Mel Gibson but is also light
years ahead of that red headed dimwit actress Nicole Kidman. Russell plays the
General Maximus, a leader of a whole bunch of Roman armies that go out and kill
peacekeeping barbarians and resistors of the planet Cybertron. Here's the plot
in a nutshell explained in a way that you can read to your eight year old child
since this is a true family picture. Maximus great leader. Maximus named
successor to Rome by the almighty Caesar before Caesar croaketh. Caesar's son
Commodus, not happy with papa's decision. Commodus get mad and kill all of
Maximus family and try to kill Maximus. Maximus escape. Maximus become
gladiator. Maximus kill and kill and kill and kill and there was blood and guts
and chopped heads and more blood and...sorry. I got carried away. But your
child will dig Daddy-O for not dragging him to another boy loves dog movie.
This
flick has a lot of action in it and it starts off with a cool Braveheart type
battle scene. A lot of people liked the battle sequence but I didn't like the
way it was shot. Once again, way too many editing cuts and confusion as to what
is going on. I know Ridley Scott is a kick ass director but I hate battle
scenes that flash in front of you. The gladiator fights are bar none some of
the most intense one-on-one battles I've seen in a while since Rosie O' Donnell
and Tom Selleck but there actually aren't very many of them. In fact, you don't
see any gladiator fights until well after the first hour of the movie. After
two hours you feel as if you're watching Dances With Gladiators but the plot is
actually more story driven than people might think which is why it's about a
two and a half hours, just under three. Buy popcorn and move your wallet to
your front pocket so your ass doesn't fall asleep.
Russell
Crowe really does a killer job as Maximus, showing us a vulnerable hero side as
well as his 'I'll kill you for making Momma jokes' side. Now that this movie
has come out, he's destined to be another action star. Good thing too, since
Bruce Willis is now a wussy dramatic actor even though he's hinted at doing a
Die Hard 4, Stallone's new movie won't be out for a while, Jean Claude has been
outcast from anything remotely good (rent Desert Heat if you don't believe me)
and Ah-nold is getting boring to watch. Do T3 you butthead! Joaquin Phoenix
also does a good job as Connolus giving the movie its comic relief. But it's
kinda weird watching him mac on his sister throughout the whole thing.
There
are some gladiator special appearances as well which surprised me. Here's a
rundown of who they were and how long they lasted against Russell's Maximus
character:
Rosie
O' Donnellus:
Fights like a demon on Ding-Dong overload. Maximus has a difficult time
breaking the outer flesh barrier but finally succeeds when Donnellus gets
distracted by raw meat hanging off of a javelin.
Elian
Gonzales Cubanicus: The smallest gladiator in the arena hides from Maximus for a good
twenty minutes before finally breaking free and running out of the arena
screaming in a foreign language. He is shot by INS archers and brought back for
the Tigers. His head still stands at the Roman Coliseum. Too much protesting
from his relatives instigates the burning of their village. No one messes with
Rome, baby.
Spartacus: The oldest Gladiator
returns but cannot lift his sword to defend himself. He is slain within 2.3
seconds.
Kathie
Lee Giffordicus: As she is about to meet her timely demise she calls forth 2,000
Taiwanese children to overpower Maximus. After he slays all of them, he comes
for Giffordicus only to run into her two children that scream for Mommy's life.
Maximus kills them all and steps on Kathie's new CD, crushing it like the piece
of crap it is.
Puff
Daddymus:
One of the greatest gladiator kills in history, Maximus slays this fool right
as he steps foot on the tundra and starts stealing weapons and techniques from
the other gladiators before him.
Optimus
Prime:
Unsatisfied with the way Maximus hasn't brought back enough Energon cubes for
the Autobots, he enters the arena but then leaves when Megatron starts chanting
"Optipussy!" from the crowd above.
So
now that the summer season has started earlier than usual, did it start off
with a bang? You bet it did. There's nothing more romantic than going with your
girl to see a blood and guts manly-man sword movie. And for the kids? They'll
enjoy the historical aspect as well the underlining tone of not touching sister
or brother in strange places when Mommy and Daddy aren't around.
My
rating:
--- Full Price
- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For The Inevitable Gladiator Rip-off Movies Going Straight To Video