GET CARTER

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Take your little lady out to dinner, got to a movie, take her back to your place then read her some of my sweet melodic reviews. You're guaranteed to at least get to third base after that! *Caution* some women consider these reviews sexist and lewd and may dump you right after you start reading.

Here's an early look at some movies coming soon:

Driven: Stallone and fast cars. How much more testosterone do you need?

Blair Witch 2: The sequel to the dumbest movie ever made looks to be just as dumb. Lucky us!

Charlie's Angels: Two out of the three women in this movie look like creatures from the Evil Dead without any makeup on. I'll let you decide which two. *hint* They're both blond.

The Grinch: Rosie at a buffet. Rated R.

Dungeons And Dragons: Swords, magic and Dragons?? I'm sick of these chick movies!

Our ' hit the one in the middle' movie this week is Get Carter (a.k.a. Get Crackers: Shaft Strikes Back!) starring Sylvester Stallone, one of the biggest macho men action adventure stars to hit the screen since Charlie Chaplin. And that's no lie. Sylvester plays Jack Carter, an enforcer for some mob guy in Vegas. Sylvester travels to the sunny land of Seattle for a little r&r and decides he may as well find out who killed his little brother while he's at it. Sounds like a vacation to me! I would go into more plot detail but that basically is the plot. If there was a subplot it was watching Stallone try his hardest not to put his handkerchief around his head, go to a Vietnamese restaurant, and re-enact his P.O.W. escape methods. Also starring in this movie is Mickey Rourke. That's right, Mickey Rourke. For all of you ladies wondering where this actor from 9 1/2 Weeks has been for the last 9 1/2 years, he's been laying low preparing for this role. Fed-Ex that Oscar now....

Stallone's character is a no-nonsense kind of guy with an elastic waistband. He punches, he kicks, he threatens women, he smokes, he swears, he doesn't shave, he is basically every woman's dream guy and the G.I. Joe figure Hasbro never decided to release. I like putting my G.I. Joe figure Roadblock, who was the big black guy, and have his hands gripping Barbie's hair as he.... well, never mind.

So what's the deal with Stallone's latest anyway? Well, he pretty much just walks around kicking everyone's butt. Whether morning, noon, or night, Jack Carter is one white boy you don't want to be around. There's one plotline, one direction, and one result. Stallone kicking someone's ass! And that's what all of us manly men need to see! After all of these family comedies and stupid romance movies, it's about time we fellas get a movie with someone just walking around beating people up! But here's my question...This guy can shoot people, hit people, and cause more car crashes than a blind student driver, yet not one cop is shown throughout the whole movie. I'm moving to Seattle! And as my brother so aptly pointed out, the cinematography in this movie is fantastic, as the white's and gray's serve as a nice backdrop to the flesh tones that seem to pop right out at you. But my brother is married, has two kids and lost his sanity a long, long, time ago.

But fella's let me warn you, along with all of the unreasonable amounts of violence and mayhem we also have the slow meaningless parts when Carter is talking to his niece. Yawn. Who cares about all of that? I need more action! Some people also may not like the camera angles and quick editing cuts during the car chase scenes and the moody backdrop present throughout the whole movie. But think of this, when was Seattle ever a cheery city and when was the last time you saw a Stallone movie that wasn't confusing? Besides, after 13 shots of Southern Comfort, Seattle starts to look like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Too bad some slow parts kill what could have been a two hour fistfight. Plus Michael Caine is in the movie and having to watch that wanker on screen is also pretty painful.

Did I like it? I liked the action and the fact that Copland didn't kill Sylvester's career. But too many slow parts put this one in the matinee category. Everyone will hate it and wonder why I gave it a high mark, but I gotta give Stallone a break. Besides, you all know I'll have plenty of opportunities to rip on him when he does Rocky VI and Rambo IV, and knowing is half the battle...

My rating:

- Full Price

--- Matinee

- Wait For Video

- Wait For Cable

- Wait For Get Carjacked: The Beirut Vacation Brochure