Freddy vs. Jason
****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes only.
These reviews have a wonderful habit of drawing you in, making you love me,
courting you with my sweet words, finally making the commitment, then
disappointing you. It's just like a marriage. Only longer.
With movie theaters serving more of a variety of foods to satisfy the over 50%
of fatasses in this country, I just received this advertisement in the mail
promoting the newest add-ons for the all time classic
movie snack. So here are the Newest Popcorn Toppings:
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Surprise
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Hope's Almond Ashes
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Anti Clogging Heart Valve Sauce
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Timmy's Topper of Terror
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Chinese Chicken Chunks of Choice
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Laxa-Butter
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3rd Shift's Mystery Hair
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Lump O' Lard
1:
Squirts of Self Pleasure
Our 'Go For His Eyes Billy!' movie this week is Freddy vs. Jason starring
Robert Englund as that wacky serial killer Freddy Krueger. Also starring Ken
Kirzinger as Jason Voorhees, Destiny's Bastard Child Kelly Rowland and two
unknown stars Monica Something and Jason ItDoesn'tMatter. With this crop of
unknown talent, audiences are sure to connect with them as they try to fool us
into thinking that they are actually actors. Kind of like how I fool you into
making you think I actually know what the hell I'm doing.
This year moviegoers have been forced to sit through numerous CGI effect laden
films and over hyped cinematic bombs. Now that the summer season is coming to a
close, it's only fitting that we end things with two of the most notorious serial
killers ever put on celluloid. Freddy vs. Jason brings back the most famous two
slasher icons from the past nineteen years and gives horror fans something they
never thought they'd see. A celebrity deathmatch to end all deathmatches.
Freddy vs. Jason takes place on Elm Street, where Freddy has been rendered
powerless for the past few years because kids have stopped dreaming. In order
to get these brain dead teens to fear him again, Freddy gets Jason to go
to Elm Street and start killing people so everyone thinks that Freddy Krueger
is once again on the attack. Once the fear comes back, so does Freddy’s power
of being able to enter their nightmares. Only problem is, Jason won't stop
killing leading to a final confrontation between the two. (How Jason
gets to Elm Street in the first place is beyond me. Unless this Elm
Street is right next to Crystal Lake, I think quite a few people
are going to notice a giant dead man wearing a hockey mask and sporting a
machete on the bus.) "So are you going into town on business?"
"Actually I was resurrected and told to go to a neighborhood and start
killing people in the most grotesque manner possible." "Ah. I see.
Well, you have fun dear."
Director Ronny Yu once again takes the reigns of a well established franchise,
(His first foray into American terror was the underrated Bride of Chucky.) and
decides to gives horror fans what they've been missing: Nudity, blood,
guts, profanity, and lots and lots of horrible dialogue and bad acting. This is
not a movie that will be referenced to on James Lipton's Inside The Actor's
Studio. But where Freddy vs. Jason fails in dialogue and actual common sense,
it makes up for it with so much destruction and death, that any fan of slasher
flicks will be satisfied. One major scene takes place in the middle of a
cornfield where around 100 teenagers are drinking and partying. Once Jason
decides to crash the party, it's one of the most enjoyable moments ever
from a Friday the 13th standpoint. And he does his killing in this scene while
on fire. It's just, well...cool.
Though the character of Freddy is actually the main character, the film really
shines every time Jason is on screen. For some reason, Freddy isn't as
enjoyable to watch, though Robert Englund plays him to perfection like he always
does. The movie drags whenever we're forced to sit through actors Jason Ritter,
Monica Keena and Kelly Rowland. I understand they're trying to give us a human
element, but with lines in the vein of "Jason died by water and
Freddy by fire. How can we use that to our advantage?" being spouted, it's
very hard to take anything seriously. Once our two antagonists finally
lock horns, once in Freddy's dream world and finally at Camp Crystal Lake, the
movie kicks into overdrive and doesn't stop. These two beat the crap out
of each other. Once you think the fight is over, it starts right back up. This
happens about twelve times, so at least we're given what was
promised. I was fearing a three minute fight, but was given much
more.
The studios are already hyping up possible sequels. With my insider knowledge I
gained access to the possible Vs. spin offs:
Freddy
vs. Gray Davis: The nightmare that is the California deficit finally
comes to a close as Freddy takes on the soon to be recalled Governor. Can
Freddy kill a man who is able to kill an entire state?
Jason
vs. 50 Cent: How do you kill a rapper who's been shot eight times
and can bring more bling bling than Fort Knox? If Jason can get through
listening to his overrated CD, he'll have a chance to put this playa to sleep
once and for all. But Half Dollar won't go down easy as his stable of bitches
and ho's make things difficult for our masked man.
Freddy & Jason vs. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez:
A bloody battle ensues as the super booty powers of Jennifer
Lopez attempt to stop Jason & Freddy. Ben was told to
just sit in the car and keep the seat warm.
Freddy vs. Jason is what it is and nothing more. So don't go into it expecting
to come out a better person. It's a fun movie to watch that's only hampered by
its insane attempt at logic and forgettable performances. So if you want to see
lots and lots of people dying, turn off the news and head down to
see Freddy vs. Jason. Or you can go watch Gigli. I'm sure either one will
give you some pretty good nightmares.
My
Rating:
-
Full Price
--- Matinee
-
Wait For DVD/Video
-
Wait For Cable
- Wait For George vs. An Editor