THE FAST and THE FURIOUS

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. I’m serious people. Only for entertainment value. If I find one more of my reviews on E-Bay in the same category as toilet bowls and butt creams I’m gonna be pissed. Unless I start getting a cut of the seller’s profits...

Wow. Big time for movies this year. Lots of sequels coming out. Jurassic Park 3, Scary Movie 2, American Pie 2, Rush Hour 2, Dr. Dolittle 2. Wacky fun stuff huh kids? But what about some sequels to other movies you may not be aware of? Movie studios are keeping things hush hush, but since I get all of my inside information first hand from the tram driver at Universal Studios, you know that everything I report is 100% factual. Keep in mind release dates are pending.

Super Mario Bros. 2: With the $47 million dollar weekend of Tomb Raider, Buena Vista has immediately green lighted the anticipated sequel to one of the most touching, heart felt, action adventure movies of the decade. Contract disputes between Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, and the studios have now been settled. Each actor will be getting a $20 million dollar paycheck to star in the sequel expected to bring in billions.

Can’t Buy Me Love 2: Patrick Dempsey returns as geeky Ronald Miller, who learned all about the failures of trying to buy his way into a woman’s heart. Or did he? After his failed relationship ended in college when she cheated on him with a Senior who drives a Porsche, Ronald now returns as a wealthy businessman. Lending his staff of all female employees to whoever meets the $500 an hour pricetag, Ronald learns the most important lesson in life: Bitch betta have my money!

Enter The Dragon 2: With the success of Jackie Chan and Jet Li, Sony Pictures has dug up the body of the late Bruce Lee. Since technology has leapt so much in the past 20 years, partners Disney and Pixar Entertainment have rebuilt Bruce’s body, taking his lifeless shell and putting in the most sophisticated animatronics ever seen. Bruce now returns in tiptop form, ready to do battle once again on a remote island. John Saxon has pleaded to also return for the sequel. However, no one knows who he is, even when he shows them footage from the first Enter The Dragon.

Our ‘pop the hood‘ movie this week is The Fast And The Furious (a.k.a. Powersex) starring Vin Diesel as a big bad lady lovin’ street racer who dominates the tarmac in weekly street drag racing quarter mile showdowns. Which is a refreshing change of pace from all of the romantic love stories he’s been in. Really. I never cried so hard when he sank to the frozen depths of the sea, hand outstretched searching for Kate Winslet, with that huge ship sinking in the background. My God. What a powerful actor. But Vin isn’t the lady-killer in this movie. No way. It’s Paul Walker. Who’s Paul Walker you ask? I have no idea. And hopefully, I will never see his no talent ass in another movie as long as I live. Also starring Michelle Rodriguez who first shot to fame in the movie Girlfight. And rounding out our top ten is soap opera star Jordana Brewster. I heard she was the sister of Punky Brewster, but I’m getting that information verified.

The Fast And The Furious takes place in the back streets of LA. Paul Walker plays an undercover cop who must infiltrate the dark secret world of street racing and try to find out who is using their high-powered cars to hijack trucks. There is already one thing wrong with this basic plotline. How these cars are able to race for even a quarter of a second without the cops being on top of them amazes me. You’ve got about 50 cars with mufflers that sound like they were pulled off of a crotch rocket and no one hears these guys racing? Whatever. Paul befriends Vin when the cops bust up their little drag racing party. Paul also has the hots for Jordana, who is playing Vin’s sister. And Michelle Rodriguez is Vin’s girlfriend, but no one gives a rat’s ass. There are many, many, many, many things wrong with this picture. I figure I’ll run them down because if I try to explain the plot any further I’m going to go outside and shoot myself. I’ll try not to reveal any major story or character developments (must contain laughter...).

If Paul Walker is playing an undercover cop, why would the actual cops try to bust up the street racing? Wouldn’t there be some sort of "Hey guys, the FBI is involved, can you stop breaking these damn things up so I can try and get some information?" Oh wait! Now I know why...so Paul can rescue Vin and gain his trust. Thus letting him enter the inner circle. How stupid of me to not notice that at first.

This is a movie for teenage white boys who think Hondas are sports cars. Why do I say this? Because the only actual sports cars in the movie were the Honda S2000, and a Toyota Supra Turbo. Eclipse cars suck ass, so they don’t count. Sorry kids. Honda Civics and Accords are economy cars, no matter how many stickers you put on them. Speaking of stickers, they had some weird ones. Like Platinum Tipped Nazi Plugs, Rosie Gas Gauges, and www.Cupo’noodle.com. I put one on my car that says White Powder, but someone scratched off the ‘D’. Now I get bruthas always honking and throwing things at me. Strange huh? I mean I covered up my Jesus Was Well Hung sticker. What do people want from me?

Paul Walker runs around screaming about NOS (Nitrous Oxide System. Or is it Near Our Sh*tholes? It’s meaning is conveniently placed on a million posters in the movie so we know what the hell he’s screaming about.) I guess he needs it installed because his Eclipse won’t beat the other cars without it. The car he drives we find out later costs $80,000 dollars. $80,000 and it’s not already equipped with it? Whatever. He just screams it so we can hear about NOS. Throughout the entire 90 minutes, all we hear is NOS, NOS engine this, quarter mile with NOS that. I wanted to scream. I was hoping K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider would come out and shoot rockets of death at everyone.

The funniest line in the movie? When a pizza delivery guy is told to find another way home after his route is blocked off for a race. He scowls and says "Damn street racers." I sh*t you not. He says it. And the guy who scripted this screenplay made more money in 3 months than I do in a year. I am in the wrong field of work.

Paul Walker delivers his lines like a lobotomy patient. He has that ‘I’m a tough, but sexy guy with badly combed bleached hair’ thing going. Vin Diesel is a good actor, but I have no clue what type of character he was trying to play. I don’t think he did either. He probably signed the contract then read the script and said the hell with it, at least I get to drive fast cars. And why Vin? What? Vinny not good enough for your Dago ass any more pal?

The only good thing about The Fast And The Furious was the sound. See this baby cranked up with a million speakers. Or stick your head in your engine next time you start your car. Either way, you’ll get the same effect. Or dye your hair a crappy blond, never comb it, take the Sally Struthers Stupid Cracker acting course, stay with one facial expression for two hours, and be Paul Walker for kicks. It’s not my fault guys. Don’t blame me. Because like an earlier car flick starring Nicolas Cage, the memory of this film from your head will be Gone In 60 Seconds.

My rating:

- Full Price

- Matinee

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