FINAL DESTINATION 3
Starring: Mary Elizabeth
Winstead, Ryan Merriman, Sam Easton, Chris Lemche, Amanda Crew
Written and Directed by James
Wong
Rated R for Strong Horror Violence/Gore,
Language and some Nudity
****DISCLAIMER**** These
reviews are for entertainment purposes only. I have no control over the written
content in these reviews. I’m only writing what the man tells me to write. I
hate the man.
Sequels are nothing new. If
one person buys a ticket,
Superman 3:
I’m not sure who the buttholes were that wrote this piece of garbage, but they
should have been taken out back and shot after the first draft. Ah! It was the
husband and wife team of Leslie and David Newman. David is dead so there is
some justice in the world, and Leslie writes food columns. Not sure who Leslie
or David blew to get to write a Superman script, but one more funeral and
revenge is complete.
Karate Kid 3: Daniel-San
whines and bitches and complains his way through a really bad script loaded
with stupid cliches and an ugly love interest. Only in the final few minutes
does the audience hit paydirt when Daniel-San whips out a 15 minute kata before
throwing his bad boy opponent tot the mat and dry humping him into victory.
Rocky 3: If
anyone can tell me what Mr. T says to Micky when they’re arguing at the Rocky
statue I’ll give you $10. I tried getting the line by
using subtitles on my DVD but all it said was - Nigga be spittin’ some crazy shit. –
Lethal Weapon 3: Mel Gibson makes us laugh and cry again! Oops! Was thinking of Lethal
Weapon 2. Lethal Weapon 3 actually sucked ass.
Star Trek 3: Christopher
Lloyd plays a Klingon. And the set designers get five whole dollars to design
what is supposed to be another world. Beam Me Up Shitty!!
Robocop 3: Who
the hell is this guy playing Robocop? And why doesn’t he shoot people anymore?
And why is this story so damn lame? God, I give up.
Rambo 3: Rambo
is sent to
So will Final Destination 3
fare any better then these sequels did? I’m not gonna bet a night with your
mother on it! Unless she’s really hot…
Our ‘Hang on to them hats and
glasses!’ movie this week is Final Destination 3 starring Mary Elizabeth
Winstead, Ryan Merriman and a bunch of other no name actors who have no
significant importance to the story other than to die while screaming. Since I
don’t know their names, the cast does include the pre-requisite cardboard
character horror teenage roles such as:
- Cocky Arrogant Black Athlete
- Pale Faced Extreme Goth Goof Wearing Black
- Bimbo 1 and Bimbo 2 with Super Bimbo Breasts
- A Goth Girl Wearing Black. I guess you can’t get
enough stupid factor in your horror story by
having only one goth.
- Perverted Older Guy Who Likes Teenage Girls
- Jockity Jock Jockfaces
- Stupid Younger Teenage Sister Who Looks 30
It doesn’t matter what their
names are or what they do or what interests they have or who’s in love with who. They are only in this movie to fill the death quota.
And yes, they all die. Sorry to spoil it for you. You will not care one bit
about any of them anyways, and if you fall for the Director’s commentary on the
DVD where he says such made up bullshit like, “I wanted to keep this scene
because it shows the relationship Actor X is having with Actor Y.” then you are
too dumb to watch movies. In fact, you’re too dumb to be reading this review.
Get the hell out of here.
James Wong returns directing
what is essentially the same film as the previous Final Destinations. However,
unlike the well thought out opening death sequence in Final Destination 2, we
get to witness an implausible death sequence involving a giant roller coaster
accident that has more “WTF?” moments then an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Mary’s
character (I don’t know her character’s name and I’m not looking it up. Screw
you.) has a premonition that everyone on the roller
coaster she’s sitting in will die horrible deaths due to a hydraulic pressure
leak, broken wheels, unlocked harnesses and super kicky fun chop-chop editing. Cars gets stuck upside down, wheels come flying off, the
track gets split apart, the cars seperated, the harnesses fly up. All in the same ride. Now I’m no roller coaster expert, but
I don’t think a roller coaster accident like this could ever happen. EVER. Unless it’s Big Thunder Mountain Railroad at
*Please go easy on the lawsuit
Disney. Thank you.
The death scenes are what
always set the FD movies apart from other horror films. Watching the chain
reactions that lead to a characters death in the most creative ways imaginable
is what keeps me coming back for more. But not this time monkeys! Thanks to the
tried and true formula of editing things so fast only The Flash could tell what
was going on, you don’t get the opportunity to really see what’s happening.
Cocky Arrogant Black Athlete’s death had me scratching my head wondering what
had just transpired, and Goth Girl Wearing Black’s death was also strange. The
deaths themselves are amusing and will make you put your fist to your mouth
while you stomp your feet saying “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shiiiiiiiiiiiiit, hells
no!” but the formula is getting old. Final Destination 3 is so bare boned basic
with its approach to the script and its characters that you feel like it takes
a step back from the first two films. I think they need to take a fresh
approach when FD 4 is made, and stop using teenagers as the main characters. Kill
some mid 30 New Yorkers or something, I don’t know. Just be a little more
creative next time with the story.
But don’t worry Final
Destination fans. Even though this installment is sour milk, as long as your
main baddie is Death itself you can go on forever with this series. I can’t
wait until I’m 60 watching Final Destination 32 where illegal immigrant Julio
Gonazales has a premonition that all of his buddies die horrible deaths while
crossing the border into
MY RATING:
Full Price
Matinee
Wait For DVD
WAIT FOR CABLE<<<<<<<
Wait For Final Vagination 4
starring Jenna Jameson