EXIT WOUNDS
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for
entertainment purposes only. Please do not distribute these reviews to the PTC,
the FBI, the BSS, or the CIA. I just got out of the joint and I don't need any
more trouble.
Martial
arts movies have been around since Moses parted the Red Sea. Here's a breakdown
of some of the more well known martial arts screen stars...
- Jackie Chan: Who cares if he's 45+ years old?
He's still a psycho, and his earlier work has yet to be matched by anyone.
- Jet Li: An awesome martial artist. Too bad
every single one of his movies moves as slow as my Grandmother.
- Jean-Claude Van Damme: This man gets no respect
and I don't know why. He knows how to do a roundhouse kick for Christ's
sake! Give the guy some credit!
- Brandon Lee: Why hasn't this guy come out with
anything new? He could at least team up with his father. Those Hollywood
actors.... What ego maniacs.
- Steven Seagal: The worst actor out of all of
them. And his son is even more torrid. He never gets hit, he never smiles,
and he's getting fatter in every movie...which leads us to our newest
review...
-
Our
'got 'em by da ballz' movie this week is Exit Wounds (a.k.a. Every Seagal Movie
Title Can Only Contain Two Words) starring Mr. Aikido himself Steven Seagal as
Orin Boyd, the good cop stuck in a precinct with bad policemen. And despite all
of the warnings from his commander, he searches out these bad cops all by
himself and with no regard of the law! Man! Can Seagal pick them roles or what?
In his previous movies, he always obeyed the law! Not only does he have to deal
with corrupt cops, but he also has to deal with deadly rapper DMX! It's about
time casting directors found an actor on the same level as Seagal. DMX plays a
businessman in cahoots with One Time. (Gotta put in my slang so my brutha's
reading this know what I'm talking about.)
Well,
I'm not sure to what to make of this movie. It's nothing you haven't seen
before. Seagal drives a black vehicle, has the same stupid hairdo except the
ponytail is gone. Even he realized how dorky that thing looked. He wears black
clothes. He beats up some thugs trying to jack his car so we can see him flex
his Aiki-muscles, and he gets his answers from his suspects by either beating
them into unconsciousness so they're unable to answer, or shooting them so
they'll never have a chance to answer. But such is the way of the Seagal. I
guess if he actually followed police procedure we would get a really boring
movie though. Oh yeah, Tom Arnold is this too. Yep, Tom Arnold. Tom
Arnold...good ol Tom...
What
I'm trying to figure out is why DMX was cast. I don't even know what DMX stands
for. What, was he playing Scrabble with his homies and these were his only
letters left at the end of the game? I also don't know what he raps about
excepts he likes to yell "Holla Holla" in every song of his. In fact,
this guy looks suspiciously like Lamont from Sanford And Son with his moustache
shaved off. So that's where Lamont's been. He's been tearin' it up on the wax,
booyyeeeeee. It's apparent that DMX went to the same acting school that Master
P did. If you're interested in the school it's located in Watts. Look up the
How To Act Like A Bad Black Actor Academy. It's in the Yellow Pages.
So
what of the action? I'll give it this. This is the first movie Seagal's been in
with decent action set pieces and direction. Car chases, shootouts, explosions,
the required fight at the nightclub, and Steven waxing his legs. It's all
there. You'll notice in every one of Seagal's fights that he uses the same
wrist lock on every guy. While practical in real life, it's really boring to
see him do it over and over again. He does kick a couple of people which is
rare. Rare because his old ass can't kick anyone higher than their ankles.
You'll also see him blow up a helicopter with 6 well placed bullets and leap
over a car coming at him at 50 miles an hour. All of this without a single
scratch on his greased up Goomba head. If you look closely in some scenes, you
can see that this Seagal is a CG rendering of the real Seagal. You see, the
real Seagal would have insisted that he not dominate every fight scene in his
movies. So the action is good. I didn't have a problem with it. It's just too
bad the plot, acting, scripting, lighting, and editing crap on this movie like
Rosie after eating some bean burritos.
You
can see Exit Wounds if you're a DMX fan. If you are, I'm sorry for you and your
badly dressed children. You can see Exit Wounds if you're a Seagal fan. If you
are, I'm sorry for your taste in actors. You can see Exit Wounds for the
involving plot. If you do, then you probably think the pyramids are natural
rock formations. You can see Exit Wounds to watch Seagal get shot in the back
from 5 feet away, then get up 10 seconds later because the bullet didn't go
through his bullet proof vest. Or was it his invulnerable ego that stopped the
bullet?? I don't know. Or you can see Exit Wounds for Tom Arnold. That I could
understand. For whatever reason, you could go see Exit Wounds. But we know
you're smarter than that. That's why you read my reviews. So you can save your money
for more important things. Like beer.
My
rating:
-
Full Price
- Matinee
--- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For Exit The Wombs!!! What Elmer Fudd Screams When Rosie's Giving Birth