DIE
ANOTHER DAY
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Top
Five Tips While You're At The Movies:
- If you are thirsty or
hungry, please let your date know before you get your butts nice and
comfortable into the seats. Now you have to get back up, cross the people
you just pissed off by giving them a second look at your ass and race up
the aisle getting that last second treat. Let's make that last split
second rash decision while we're in the lobby, shall we?
- If it is crowded at the
snack counter line, do not get in line behind a woman with her kids. Not
only will she take her sweet time trying to decide what to get her
illegitimate children, she will also try to argue about the butter content
compared to the size of the popcorn container. Lady, it doesn't matter.
Your thighs are gonna look like cheddar cheese no matter what you try to
do. Let's just get on with our lives, ok?
- Bring a pillow, a six
pack, and four of your friends. Then talk and talk throughout the film.
After all, everyone else in there thinks they're at home, why shouldn't
you?
- Should a woman bring in
a baby to the theater and the young bundle of love starts to cry, don't
moan and complain. Walk over and sit next to the mother, put your arm
around her, and consol her on the fact that the audience understands how
completely insensitive and ignorant she is to other people.
- Take the handicapped
seats if they are available. They have the best view, and are usually
empty. If a handicapped person rolls up to you and demands the seat, just
give them a running push down the aisle. Once the handicapped person has
fallen out of their wheelchair and injured themselves, laughter and finger
pointing will then ensue. This ensures a fun time for everyone at said
handicapped person's expense. And making others laugh makes you feel
better as a person, doesn't it?
Our
'Review. Movie Review' this week is Die Another Day (a.k.a. Dumb And
Delusional) starring Pierce Brosnan as everyone's favorite secret agent James
Bond or 007. Or James 007 Bond. Or 007 James Bond. Or 7. 007. Hell, I don't
know. This go around Pierce is joined by Halle 'Hit N' Run' Berry as the
American spy Jinx, and our two bad guys Rick Yune as Zao and Toby Stephens as
Gustav Graves. Well, we sure can pick our deadly bad guy names can't we? Look
for special appearances by Rosie O' Donnell as agent Fat. Really Fat. And
returning once again is Master P. as Jamal Bond.
Let
me start by saying that the opening song was done by Madonna. Traditionally,
the artist that does a James Bond song has always managed to churn out
something pretty remarkable. Lucky for us, Madonna manages to come up with the
worst track I have ever heard in my life. Nice to know that 'B' side Techno
isn't dead. And she makes a very forgettable appearance as well. I wonder if it
was her or Guy Ritchie who performed the dreaded Kneepad Maneuver to get her
into this film....
This
time around 007 is after a villain who has...captured him in North Korea...but
has a diamond business in Iceland...that funds the secret N. Korean government
with his satellite...and Bond's license has been revoked...and he gets it back
unofficially...and Halle Berry is in it for some reason...and there are double
crosses...and...and...you know, I have no f*cking clue what the plot of this
movie was. I mean, I know it was about something relating to a satellite and
gene therapy or some such nonsense, but in-between explosions and Halle Berry's
breasts I believe I lost track of what was going on. Not that it matters. The
last 3 servings of James Bond movies have been so awful, it's a wonder Albert
R. Broccoli hasn't risen from the grave and eaten his remaining family members.
But
the Bond movies have never been about plot. They've been about the gadgets. Die
Another Day has the usual, but this time there's something different. You see
product placement is becoming more and more common in movies. While nothing new
(Apple has been an ad whore for as long as I can remember) it can get out of
hand. The latest Bond movie is certainly no exception. There were so many
companies that were represented I almost lost track of them all. Luckily I
managed to get the inside scoop on some of the products you may have missed
when watching this picture:
Bondoms: Made by Trojan these new condoms not only have style and
sophistication, but they also disappear just like James does after performing
the nasty. Where do they go? Who cares? It's not like we ever see 007 reach
over to grab one anyways.
Victoria's
Super Duper Secret Bras: Worn by Halle Berry, we as
males can appreciate the support and voluptuousness they bring. I mean, Halle
had to be wearing one right? There's no way those knockers were being held up
by her will power.
M's
M&Ms: Made in limited quantities just for Die
Another Day, M's M&M's not only melt in your mouth with their secret
British candy coated shell, they also guarantee you an Oscar for only 10
minutes of on screen time.
Speak
N' Spy: New from Fisher Price, this devious device
of death is used to bring back Desmond Llewelyn for one last go around as Q.
Unfortunately, right when we're about to hear Desmond speak the famous line
"Oh grow up 007." he's run over by John Cleese's agent.
Ok,
so how does this one hold up to past Bond films? It doesn't. Its marred by more
explosions and ridiculous action scenes that Hollywood has finally managed to
make James Bond what it should not be. An American action headache with no sense
of it being British or having anything to do with spying. While it was nice for
the writers to try to pay homage to past Bond films by putting in little
details such as Halle walking out of the ocean like in Dr. No and showing the
rocket pack from I Don't Remember Which Film It Was, they should have spent
more time in trying to make their own place in history. By actually making a
spy film. But alas, with the hunger for bigger and better in today's cinema,
even Bond must fall to the inevitable. So we are now stuck with 2 hours of bad
blue screen and no sense of Bond even being a secret agent. After the first
hour, it's just another action movie that could have starred any one of our
current leading men. I'm sure the British hate Hollywood for what has happened
to their beloved spy.
Great.
There's
no way they're gonna keep sharing Rowan Atkinson with us now.
My
rating:
-
Full Price
-
Matinee
--- Wait For Video/DVD
-
Wait For Cable
-
Wait For Damn, Another Donut?!?: That Bitch Can Eat!!!