DAREDEVIL
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment
purposes only. Forged by the Gods of Valhalla and dipped in delicious white
chocolate, this Movie Review of Reading +2 has all of the necessary magical
abilities needed to make you laugh, cry, and scream. And with the bonus roll
included, could possibly bring you to your knees cursing yourself that you had
ever stumbled across it in the first place.
So
now there's this big hoo-haa with superhero movies. First it started with
Batman back in 1989 (though it wasn't the first) bringing superheroes into the
mainstream public and showing everybody that it is fashionably ok for men to
wear masks and black tight leather. Now with the success of X-Men and
Spider-Man, Hollywood has now seen that there is an audience for super heroes.
Being the money hungry whores that the studios are, they are capitalizing on
every super hero every created. But who to play them? I have decided to compile
a list of future super hero films and the actors who could best portray them:
Superman:
Filling in the shoes of the greatest super hero ever created would be a tough
act to do. But there's a certain gung-ho actor who single handedly saved our
planet from Armageddon, solved an international nuclear conspiracy in the Sum
Of All Fears, but was dumb enough to fall for a lesbian in Chasing Amy. Who
could best put on the tights and represent the planet Earth?? Ben Affleck.
Wonder
Woman: With her curvy hips, golden brown hair, magic lasso and braces that
deflect bullets, the most obvious choice for this role would be Ben Affleck. No
man can resist him. Her I mean...
Black
Panther: Rumored to be Wesley Snipes' next project, he should step down because
there's no way Wesley could play a black superhero better than Ben Affleck
could. We do not need to upset the African-American population by giving this
role to someone who isn't black.
The
Fantastic Four: These 4 heroes of justice would best be played by our new crop
of hot young actors. Ben Affleck would of course play Mr. Fantastic, Matt Damon
could play the Human Torch, Jennifer Lopez could be the Invisible Girl which
would be a perfect casting choice because then we wouldn't have to see her on
screen all the time, and the most obvious choice for The Thing would be Rosie
O' Donnell. Nobody could yell "It's Clobberin' Time!" like Rosie can.
Besides, I heard she screams that every time she walks into a Subway.
Iron
Man: Though the best choice would be Tom Cruise, the character of Tony Stark
had a history of alcoholism. Who better to relate to an alcoholic than our
newest super hero Ben Affleck! Which leads me to the following...
Our
' Piss Poor Attempt At Filmmaking ' review this week is Daredevil (a.k.a.
Duckhunt) starring Ben ‘big booty blow out’ Affleck as the super hero
Daredevil. A man named Matt Murdock who fights crime at night and is a lawyer
during the day. But there's a catch. Mr. Murdock is blind, but his remaining
senses are so hyped up he has a sort of built in radar and a costume that
doesn't fit him in certain scenes. Rounding out the rest of the blind performances
are Jennifer ‘Makeup layer #428’ Garner as Elektra, Colin ‘F this movie’
Farrell as Bullseye, Michael Clarke Duncan as the Kingpin, our villain who has
to be black even though he's white in the comic books, and Jon Favreau (who
gained 40 pounds in his face for this role) as Foggy Nelson. I'm not going to
dwell too much on the introductions because there is way too much to talk
about. Oh, a few things about this review before I go into it; the word
"Justice" is said in Daredevil about 500 times. To keep in synch with
the film's premise about justice, and how it will be served with everything but
pancakes, I will be including it about 500 times in my review. I'm just warning
you now, because apparently justice is a big thing to Daredevil's theme.
The
film takes place in Hell's Kitchen, New York but looks like everything was
filmed on 3 soundstages and 1 rooftop leftover from Mary Poppins. I would go
into details about a plot, however this film does not have a plot. It merely
has a set of circumstances thrown together and we are made to believe that
there is an actual purpose for all of these characters to keep running into
each other. There are so many things wrong with Daredevil it made me wish I had
radioactive waste thrown onto me. There were times when I laughed, but I don't
think I was supposed to laugh at these moments. But when we're shown Ben and
Jennifer first kissing, then a cut to a statue of a man holding a woman's tit
before we go to the love scene, there's not much a sane human being can do but laugh
at how absurd and unnecessary these shots were. And it wasn't just that shot
that was laughable since there were so many moments stolen from Spider-Man, The
Crow and Hollow-Man. This clearly was a picture made to try and cash in on the
super hero craze. But everything, and The George means everything, was done so
piss poor that I hope a sequel will not cross anyone's mind.
Ben
Affleck tries once again to say a line without looking like he's about to burst
out laughing. For those of you who like Ben Affleck, you will love this movie
because you can't see 2 feet past your own puppy crush. The man cannot act, he
has proven it time and time again, and doesn't let us down with Daredevil. It
doesn't matter if he claims to have done his own fight scenes, because we
cannot see the fights clearly to begin with. He also does not come across as
someone who is seriously trying. Even the kid who portrays Matt Murdock when he
was a boy couldn't act. What a mess. Ben got all this fame for portraying a
construction worker, and now he's just reveling in the fact that even he knows
he sucks, but is going along for the ride and the money. After all, if you knew
you couldn't act but always got away with it, wouldn't you take the money and
roll with it too? I know I would punish as many people as humanly possible with
my limited ability as an actor if I could. But for now, I'm content on
punishing as many people as possible with my horrible writing. If Ben
Applesauce can get away with it, then so can I. I'm sure I will get many
responses about how I thought this movie was bad because I'm not an Affleck
fan. This is not true. This movie was bad because everything about it was bad.
You might especially dig Ben's 80's pre Flock of Seagulls haircut. I can hear
the director now "Ben! You're blind right! So your hair is gonna always be
messy! Like new wave messy! It'll be great! God, I love the 80's! I love myself
for getting this job! I love comic books too, which automatically qualifies me
even though I've only done one previous picture which nobody saw! Get me a 10
year boy dressed as Robin and put him in my trailer! I'm feeling
inventive!".
The
only actors who gave halfway decent performances were Jon Favreau and Michael
Clarke Duncan. Jon had some great lines which were clearly improved because
there's no way the writer's of this film could have come up with any lines that
clever. After all these years, Jon Favreau is still money. Michael looks like
he was having a good time as the Kingpin, but it's just too bad he had about 10
minutes of on screen time. Making him the biggest end villain disappointment
ever. In fact, he even bulked up for his role by eating small Columbian
children. Too bad it was all for nothing. Even though we never see Kingpin
doing anything actually criminal, we are to assume that he is the bad guy when
his introduction scene has a rap song with the lyrics "I'm an
outlaw". It was moments like this that made me wish I were black so I
could beat up the honkys responsible for making sure a rap song is present whenever
a black actor is on screen.
Colin
Farrell's performance as Bullseye was also bad. Not because Colin is a bad
actor, he's not. But he was contracted to do one more movie for Fox. As a big
Twentieth Century Fox-You he decided to go waaay over the edge with his
portrayal of Bullseye. Besides whipping around his snakeskin coat every chance
he gets, he also talks like a snake and will drag out the last word of every
sentence he says. It's as if he were saying his lines for his talking action
figure so he wouldn't have to go back into a studio do to voiceovers. "The
devil is miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine."
"BULLSEYE!!" "Missed? I neva miss!" "More
peanutssssssssss!!!!!!!!". My friend told me Access Hollywood was
interviewing Colin. When they showed him his scenes from Daredevil, he couldn't
even look at the screen. Too funny.
Normally,
even if a film is bad, I can find something good about it, and write a coherent
review. (Sorry, coherent and writing are two things I shouldn't be putting in
the same sentence.) In fact I cannot put the blame of how bad Daredevil is on
the actors alone. The blame for this trash can only fall on one man. The
"Director" (throw those quote hands in the air boys) Mark Steven
Johnson who presented us with 90 minutes of flash cuts, a soundtrack that
bludgeoned our senses so we too, would have to rely on our remaining four after
the picture was over, a screenplay that was so poorly written I don't know what
they were smoking, dialogue that was so bad I was embarrassed, and fight scenes
that might as well have had Paul Ruebens in the Daredevil costume because we
don't get to see any of the action to begin with. Not only is the film shot
with about 17 filters from a View Master on each lens, the pacing is so disjointed
and the direction so awful, that this would be a movie that could please
someone say...11 years old. No, 11 years old and retarded. No, 11 years old,
retarded, and French. No, 11 years old, retarded, French, and one of Rosie's
adopted children. Clearly Mark Steven Johnson is one director who does have his
head completely up his ass. Here are 3 out of 3,000 more reasons why this movie
fails:
Matt
Murdock sleeps in a sealed water tank to drown out whatever noise is supposed
to be around him in his giant apartment. Yet after doing the devil with
Elektra, he seems to have had no problem sleeping it off on a bed. Making the
water tank another reason for the writers to impose on us a sense of pity for a
guy who gets beat up, takes pain pills, yet leaps off of 30 story buildings and
land on scaffolds without breaking a sweat. It just makes no sense.
As
mentioned earlier, every scene has the appropriate song blasting in the
background. When Bullseye is near, the hard guitar music is blaring, when Ben
"Gums" Affleck and Jennifer "B cup put into a C cup" Garner
are on screen, we immediately will switch to some background pixie music that
sounds like it was left over from Legend. There was no continuity in music
between scenes, and no reason for it to be thrown at us and at times it was so
bad I couldn't help but laugh. Hey Mark, the audience isn't blind, only the
superhero! We don't need the audio references to figure out what's happening!
There
are obvious cuts that did not make it into the final product. I read that there
was going to be about 25 minutes of deleted scenes on the DVD. Some scenes
involving a sub plot with rapper Coolio. Gee, why wasn't that in there? I'll
tell you why. The studio execs saw what a mess that Daredevil had become and
probably ordered it to be shaved to ninety minutes so it could be shown as many
times as possible, on as many screens as possible so they could make their
money back quickly since its big box office take won't last past 2 weeks. A sub
plot with Coolio...as if the movie couldn't suck enough.
Well,
I guess we're going to have to wait a little bit longer for some real super
hero action when X-Men 2 and The Hulk arrive in theaters. Until then, please
save your money and don't bother to support this trash. I could go on, but I'm
tired now. To set the record straight, I am not reviewing this as if it didn't
follow the comic book or how faithful it was or wasn't to the comic. I don't
care about that. Spider-Man was not faithful to its roots but still managed to
entertain. This was just a ninety minute mess made for MTV. I don't want you to
take your date to see this, then expect something afterwards. She'll probably
be too busy kicking you in the balls. Do yourself a favor. Take your $9.00 and
spend it on beer or a cd. Don't spend it on this. If you do you won't be
serving justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice
justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice
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justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice
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justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice
justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice
justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice justice
justice justice justice justice justice justice justice...
My
rating:
-
Full Price
-
Matinee
-
Wait For Video/DVD
-
Wait For Cable
--- Wait For Ben Affleck for Best Actor: No,
seriously...keep waiting.