CHARLIE’S ANGELS

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Please remember this when you go to vote for our future president, who's first task will be to hunt me down and shoot me for helping to make America a dumber place to live.

Top five box office smashes of the weekend 11/3-11/5:

Charlie's Angels ($40.5m): Three chicks fighting crime? What moron would watch that?

Meet The Parents ($13.1m): Ben Stiller comedy. Bring your Gameboy.

The Legend Of Bagger Vance ($12.0m): Based off of the Pat Sajak biography: The Legend Of Bagging Vanna.

Remember The Titans ($7.0m): I can't even remember last night. What was her name again????

Blair Witch 2 ($5.3m): This piece of crap is still in the theaters???

Our 'freshly popped' movie this week is Charlie's Angels (a.k.a. 3 More Girls I Can't Get) starring Drew "You should see Tom Green naked" Barrymore as Dylan, Cameron "more makeup! more makeup now!!" Diaz as Natalie, and Lucy "rock my world!" Liu as Alex. Rosie O' Donnell makes a special appearance as the fourth angel, Poundcake, but is quickly killed within the first 15 seconds of the movie when she refused to leggo her Eggo and was shot in the head by one of her adopted children. Also in this wonderful work of art is Bill Murray as Bosley and Crispin Glover as some assassain...asasssin...assasssaaene... hell with it, he plays a killer. Now that the credits are out of the bag and everybody's all warmed up, let's begin!!!

Charlie's Angels the movie is based off of the really tacky 70's TV show Charlie's Angels about three crimefighting girls who go out and stop whatever may threaten our national security. Ok, so it was mostly Farrah running around with hardly any clothes on, but when you're ten years old, do you really need any explanation as to what it's about? The movie picks up where the TV show left off, with Lucy Liu lying naked in her bed while Drew is pouring chocolate all over her body and Cameron is busy licking it off. What do you mean, that's not how the movie started?? Oh sorry, my porno is still running in my VCR as I'm writing this! Ok, here we go. Bill Murray plays Bosley, a medium between Charlie who is never seen, and the Angels, three women who were recruited by Charlie to fight crime and wear tight dresses. Bill Murray makes sure the girls have the proper 'support' (especially Cameron) as they carry out their assignments. Did I mention that these women fight crime already? The plot of the movie is this: The Angels are asked to help retrieve a rich software owner who was kidnapped by Tim Curry who is trying to steal some voice recognition software that he could use off of satellites or something like that. I don't know, the plot was so damn stupid I wasn't really paying attention. Charlie's Angels uses a lot of dim witted dialogue and Matrix-type martial arts moves to spice up the fight sequences. The special effects aren't anything to write home about, but the way they managed to fit Drew Barrymore's big ass into tight leather pants was the greatest special effect in movie history.

So here's what I liked and didn't like about it. I liked the fact that they took none of this material seriously. From the opening minute to the very end you know that they had too much fun filming this and got paid way too much money for doing it. This movie is actually a lot of fun to watch for its entire ninety minutes which really surprised me. They had some really typical jokes that most of the audience laughed at because most people are really trained chimps but that's ok, I'm still surprised most people can even start their cars. The action is pretty consistent throughout and there really aren't any dull spots at all. Bill Murray was typical Bill Murray, but the surprise for me was Crispin Glover who's an awesome actor and he shows it again in his role even though he has no lines and just smokes cigarettes as he's trying to kill the angels. So what did I not like about it? Well for starters the continuous cleavage and close up butt shots with the women all dressed in tight outfits. Do I really need to see this kind of sex splattered the big screen? Do I need to see Lucy Lui bent over in tight black leather, or Drew Barrymore try to not look like Cindy Brady, or Cameron Diaz smile and whip her hair every ten seconds as her cleavage is shown? You damn skippy I do!!!! But the women in the audience seemed to enjoy it all as much as the guys, so everyone wins! It was weird though, when I left the theater, my pants zipper was broken......Hmmmm.....

To tell you the truth I'm kind of surprised I enjoyed it as much as I did. There are no slow spots, the actors seem to be having a blast, the audience got caught up in the action and humor, and Lucy Lui looked hot as hell. It wasn't necessarily a great movie as far as the plot but it was a fun movie and that's what going to the theater is supposed to be about, having fun. Especially when you down a six-pack of Mickey's Malt Liquor before you go!

My rating:

--- Full Price

- Matinee

- Wait For Video

- Wait For Cable

- Wait For Rosie's Angels: Hell Is Full And So Is My Belly