BLACK HAWK DOWN
****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only.
The following review is rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America.
It contains, Violence, Strong Language, Drug Use, Nudity, Adult Content, and
Strong Sexual Content. Reader discretion is advised.
I
don't think I've tackled this subject yet in one of my opening headers, so I
thought I'd give a few pointers on how to make your move on your date while
sitting in the theater. I take no personal responsibility if these tactics do
not work. But if they do, you know who to thank. Some of these techniques have
been personally tested. Others are written from years of extensive research,
forming my conclusions by compiling field data, college surveys, and lots of
slaps to the head.
- 'The arm over her shoulder' technique. Practiced
for years but never mastered, this move is the classic way to say "Hey
baby...we're gonna get it on after the film ends." Start by sitting
next to your date with your preferred arm of choice next to her. During
the movie, pretend to yawn and stretch your arms in the air. Mysteriously,
one of your arms happens to fall around her. She will not notice your maneuver
and you will either cuddle for the next 90 minutes or you will effectively
choke her out when your arm begins to crush her larynx. If you are daring,
you can go for the classic 'John Travolta In Grease Boob Grab' maneuver.
- Accidentally spill your soda all over her nice
shirt. She will be shocked, but you may offer to lick the soda off of her
body, or tell her she should remove it and just watch the movie with her
bra on while you hang her shirt over the seat in front of you. Tell her
it is dark, and no one will notice. This will then give you an opportunity
to go for the Travolta maneuver and check out if she's really an actual
'C' size or a Kleenex 'C' size.
- Completely ignore her. Yes men, this does work.
Buy some popcorn, grab a big Coke or sneak in a beer and make sure you have
no body contact throughout the first half of the film. She will then begin
to wonder if she has done something wrong as her warped sense of reality
begins to kick in. "Doesn't he find me attractive? He's not even trying."
She will then excuse herself to go to the restroom and check her makeup
or call one of her girlfriends for support. When she returns, make sure
you've popped open the lid on your soda before you offer her a drink...
- Shove a ton of popcorn in your mouth and chew
it for about 10 minutes. Do not swallow. Then grab her by her hair, and
turn her head towards you. With your other hand, pry open her mouth and
begin to feed her your mushed up popcorn. She will either fall for your
sweet mother bird affection, or she will scream so loud, the audience in
the theater next to you will hear it. You must have balls the size of a
Hyundai to try this. Or a death wish.
Our
'fire in the hole!' movie this week is Black Hawk Down ( a.k.a. Holy Sh*t! He's
Got A Rocket Launc...........!) starring Ewan McGregor, Josh Harnett, Eric
Bana, & Tom Sizemore as soldiers sent into the city of
Malawalabalagalaiadontaremembera in Somalia. This film was based of off actual
events that happened in October of 1993. Apparently no one really heard of
these events, so of course we need a movie made about it to let us Americans
know that our soldiers have died in other countries besides Vietnam. Thanks
Hollywood!
Before
I begin talking about the actual picture, I must speak on one of it's main
actors Tom Sizemore. No war movie is as complete, or believable, unless Tom
Sizemore is in it. This man is the greatest war veteran in American history. He
was in China Beach, Born On The Fourth Of July, Saving Private Ryan, Pearl
Harbor, and now Black Hawk Down. If you watch all of these shows in one sitting
you can then say you've just seen the Private Ryan China Pearl Born On The
Fourth Of The Black Hawk Down show. It's a long one. I believe he is in
Afghanistan now, killing our enemy and rescuing our soldiers. All the while
maintaining his poise, sense of humor, and that Tom Sizemore gung-ho take no
prisoners attitude we've all come to know and love. Go Tom! Fight for your
country as you've done for the past 80 years! Save our soldiers and our souls!
Bring down the white man and stop his oppression of my brothers! Ok, I'll stop
now....
Black
Hawk Down is being hailed as the greatest war movie ever made. Now I've seen a
lot of war movies, but I don't believe this was the greatest war movie ever
made. I think In The Army Now with Pauly Shore was the greatest war movie ever
made. I cried when Pauly made it to the top of Hamburger Hill and claimed it
for his country as he farted on his enemy. That's war my friends... Ridley
Scott directed what seems like a 4 hour long trek through the streets of
Magabagahitabonga. After 30 slow minutes, the rest of your experience is the
sound of bullets, explosions, and everyone yelling "RPG!" every ten
minutes. I still don't know what RPG means but it was fun watching some of the
soldiers yell it before it blew them to pieces. I shall recreate one of the many
scenes in this picture. Don't worry, I won't ruin any surprises...
"Hey
Sarge!" "Ya!?" "Hey, I think they got one o' them RPG's up
there!" "No kidding, lemme see! Yep, that's an RPG all right! And hey
it's functional! Check it out it's coming right towards m.."
"Sarge!
Sarge! Are you all right sir? Don't worry sir, Ridley Scott made sure our tag
line was Leave No Man Behind, and I'll be damned if I'm leaving your upper half
here on these rocks, sir! The Delta Force found your legs and threw them,
knocking out a Somali soldier sir! "
"Private,
tell my wife and my kids I love them...tell, them I fought hard...tell them it
was me who left the oven on last month and blamed it on little Jimmy. Tell them
Private...."
This
type of scene is what you'll see about 15 times. I didn't really learn much
after watching this though. Didn't learn how the Army Rangers were different
from the Delta Force except one had rainbow ribbons tied to their uniforms.
After a while, I just couldn't make out who was who. Josh Harnett spoke with
the best Froggy impersonation I've ever heard. Trying to sound tough and look
hard. It didn't work. I was waiting for Ben Affleck to pop out of nowhere and
scream "Just get me into that damn plane!"
Though
beautifully shot and wonderfully edited, I left the theater about as empty as I
had walked in. A 2 hour gunfight is cool and all, I'm not complaining about
that, I'm just wondering what the filmmakers were trying to prove by making
this movie. That war is hell for our soldiers? We know that. That RPG's are bad
when someone yells it out? Now we know that. That I can't write a review about
anything, whether good or bad, without making fun of it? Well, if that's why
this movie was made, then I salute you Ridley Scott. Perhaps if there was more
substance to this film besides "Take cover!" I'd rate it higher.
Because to me, this movie could have taken place in Harlem and I wouldn't know
the difference unless it said it on the screen. I recommend Black Hawk Down for
anyone who has a hard on for war movies. And if you don't, go anyway or you'll
miss Tom Sizemore kicking ass and taking names. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, don't
miss the soldiers cooking a huge buffalo at the beginning. If you look closely,
you'll see a dog tag around the cooked animal that reads R. O' Donnell. Those
wacky soldiers. Always playing pranks....
My
rating:
-
Full Price
--- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For Black Hawk Double Down: The Vegas Incident