AMERICAN WEDDING
****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes only.
Ladies, please stop e-mailing me and asking if I am single. While I do
appreciate the flowers, cards and gifts it is making my life difficult when I
have to come home to my 3 wives and explain why there is a naked woman
tying herself to the tree on my front lawn. Just read my reviews. That's
the only good thing I can offer you anyways. Well, that and a fun day with my
Super Soaker 5000.
Ok,
the summer is winding down and most of the big blockbusters have come and gone.
Another overhyped and overcrowded summer movie season. But it's not quite over
yet! Here are some sneak previews of films coming to a theater near
you (Some films may have released as of this writing. Hey, I don't release 'em
ok?):
Gigli: Not only can you not
pronounce it, but you can't even believe it was possible. Both Ben Affleck and
Jennifer Lopez in the same movie? Did the celestial Gods bless us with a rare
planetary alignment? I hope, nay, pray that we can count on numerous sequels.
One movie cannot possibly contain the juggernaut of talent these two
princesses possess.
S.W.A.T.: Standing for Studio Wasting Alotta Time, S.W.A.T. gives us the
gritty truth of the most disciplined and revered police task force by
showing the general population how hard their jobs actually are. The
only actors who can bring this type of honesty and realism to such roles
are Colin Farrell, Samuel 'Love' Jackson, Michelle Rodriguez and L.L. Cool J.
You heard me people. L.L. Cool J. (This film is brought to you by the makers of
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese)
Seabiscuit: Starring Toby Maguire,
Jeff Bridges and Jennifer Lopez as Seabiscuit, travel to another time and place
when men mount large animals and try to get them to run around in circles. Take
this one to the bank baby. "Whoa! Seabiscuit! Whoa!".
Kill Bill: Now to be released in two
parts, Quentin Tarantino can try and make up for the fact that he hasn't
been popular since 1994. We're rooting for ya buddy!
The Matrix: Revolutions: Really, who gives a rat's
ass?
Bad Boys II: Hasn't anybody tried to
kill Will Smith yet? I'm sure by reuniting him with Martin Lawrence we'll get
that old 'black' magic that we got in the first one. Pun intended. Or we'll see
over 2 hours of bad dialog, bad action, and rotating shots of Will Smith trying
to look hard. I'm betting on the latter.
The Last Samurai: Tom Cruise plays a Civil
War veteran sent to Japan to train soldiers of an Emperor who wants to kill the
remaining samurai. Cruise is then captured and taught the warrior
code by the same samurai warriors he trained an army to slaughter.
Which side will Tom Cru....haha...hahaha.....I'm sorry....Tom Cruise...a...
samurai...warr..ior....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King: Sorry dorks, this is the
last one.
Our 'Oh my God! It ripped!' movie this week is American Wedding (a.k.a. The
Seann Show 3) reuniting Jason Biggs, Seann William Scott, Alyson Hannigan,
Eddie Kaye Thomas, Thomas Ian Nichols and Eugene Levy. What's that you say? No dopey Chris
Klein? No "I was born 3 months premature" looking Mena Suvari? No
"I wish they would legalize cloning" Shannon Elizabeth? Did they
see something the others didn't? Did they say to themselves "There is no
way I'm going to be typecast! I have tons of roles in other movies and I'm
starring in at least one blockbuster this summer! I don't need to be in another
Pie Movie!" Nope. That's not what happened. With the exception of Shannon
Elizabeth, writer Adam Herz finally figured out that Chris Klein sucks and
that casting Mena Suvari gave gap toothed ugly women around the world the hopes
and dreams of becoming actresses.
American Wedding is about, you guessed it, a wedding. It seems that Jim and
Michelle (You know the character's names and who plays who by now.) have
both graduated from band camp jokes and have decided to walk down the aisle.
Why would they get hitched so quickly you ask? Well, in the original treatment
of the script Jim's Grandmother was supposed to be dying and wanted to see her
grandson married before she passed on. This would explain why Michelle's
in-laws played by Fred Willard and Deborah Rush stick around Jim's place for
about 2 weeks before the wedding starts. But with this part of the
plot omitted, we just have to deal with this little oversight. But can
they pull off a wedding with Stifler around to make a serious event a high
school joke? Jim's buddies Kevin and Finch are also trying to help
out Jim pull off the wedding with no disasters. But with the introduction of
January Jones as Michelle's younger sister Cadence, we have both Finch and
Stifler vying for her affections. Kevin gets to stand around and smile like he
did in the first two movies. Ok. I spent way too much time explaining a
two-sentence storyline.
American
Wedding is a different film than its predecessors. American Pie 1 & 2
dealt with growing up and finding yourself and blah blah blah. The previous Pie
movies gave us a funny, then dragged on a bit by talking about relationships
and virginity and sex and stupid sex subjects that teenagers aren't
interested about. At least I don't think they are. Teenagers aren't having sex
are they? They are? Well, what the hell was I doing in high school?? I didn't
get to have meaningless sex with strangers at 16! I had to wait until I was
conned into a relationship before I discovered the wonders and horrors of
women. What a scam. I can't believe those dumb Jew kids in science
class were getting more action than me in high school. I
always thought that until you reached 18, an erection happened
so you had something to hang your towel on after getting out of
the shower.
The laughs in American Wedding are non-stop. Jim was the focal point of the
first two movies when he always found himself in really bad situations. But in
American Wedding most of the attention is given to Stifler. Seann William Scott
goes so overboard with his Stifler character that every scene he's in is going
to make you laugh. This is a good thing since he dominated most of the picture
and Jim and Michelle actually take a backseat to the most popular character in
the Pie series. His arrogance and stupidity land him in situations that most
people could find themselves in but there's always that invisible line we don't
cross. In the first Pie, he drank sperm. (I believe a then unknown Orlando
Bloom was called in to make sure the texture and pulp was correct for that
scene. I guess he's an expert in the matter.) In the second he was pissed
on. (I think they called in Ashton Kutcher for rehearsal practice on that one.
Read that he loved it so much he started peeing on himself in public.) In
the third? Well, let's just say it does top the first two. It's obvious, but
it's still funny. The scenes with Stifler in a gay bar lead to a dance off with
a huge man named Bear that comes out of nowhere and really has you
scratching your head. But it's so damn funny that you don't care and it
will give everyone something to discuss about whether or not Stifler is really
gay. Actually, only the homosexuals will be discussing that since it's such an
important subject for them during their tea parties. Now, now. I'm not
bashing gays. I love gay people. And look how far you've come! You are so
accepted by society now, that unlike black people, most of us will
actually look you in the eyes when walking down the street. Along with a
wild bachelor party (And according to director Jesse Dylan an extra day and a
half of bachelor party footage was shot for the DVD release), a scene with his
friend Jim and two dogs, dance lessons, and his competition with Finch
over Cadence's affections, Stifler has now been cemented as one of cinema's
most outrageous and annoying on screen characters.
This is not to say that American Wedding doesn't have its faults. The editing
in the movie was so bad, that you do ask yourself why certain situations are
taking place when it makes no sense. Such as the dying Grandma scenes mentioned
earlier and the sudden absence of Kevin's girlfriend which he brings
up at the bachelor party. The wedding plotline and interaction between Jim
and Michelle was also very rushed and instead of actually taking the time
to slow things down for a minute, we're left on our own to figure out why events
are happening the way they are. I guess the writer and director figured plot
wasn't that important in this film since the only reason we're here is to
laugh, but it still would have been nice to see some continuity. God, I'm such
a movie bitch sometimes. I was hoping that Eugene Levy's role as
Jim's Dad would share more on screen time with Fred Willard but you can't
have everything I suppose. Here's a little trivia for you movie buffs.
Eugene Levy was always credited as Jim's Dad in the movies and we never heard
his real first name. Since you're all dying to know, it was
originally written to be Noah.
Ok. I guess that bombshell could have been bigger...
With the abundance of action movies this summer, it's good to have a comedy to
fall back on. As far as taste goes, it may not be for everybody, but its good
to know that studios are bringing back movies that underage kids want to
sneak into. Will there be a 4th American Pie movie? Not according to writer
Adam Herz. Oh well. After seeing American Wedding, you'll have had your
fill of pie for years to come. Jesus, how gay of a line was that???
My
Rating:
--- Full Price
-
Matinee
-
Wait for DVD/Video
-
Wait For Cable
-
Wait For American Lie starring the CIA