8 MILE
****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes
only.... So don't think you own me You cannot show me Just how Your girl blows
me And I'm not too crazy About this whole thingy Whoops! Another baby! I'll
name him Billy Bobby My baby daddy What an ugly kiddie Looks like a male
Rosie I'm moving to Hawaii That's not my little shorty I can't stop rhyming
This paragraph? Is too long It's kicking my ass I can't seem to stop I'm
beating it like a cop So sorry if I hurt you I just don't have a clue Can't
find my other shoe Winter time? Got the flu Single again and feeling
blue Got the drill but nothing to screw So back to my review...word.
If
there's one thing I've learned about living in Los Angeles, it's to avoid going
to the theater on opening night whenever the movie you're wanting to see is
starring a rapper or has rappers in it or involves or hints to plot points
about gang related activity. If your said county or city has a curfew it is
guaranteed that every single white, Latino and black teenager will be breaking
that curfew to see said movie. This was the case on opening night for 8 Mile.
About 70,000 little gangsters and wanna be gangsters were running around with
their hats on sideways, pants drooping and cell phones blaring. (I heard one of
the little gangster guys turn away from his friends and say on his cell phone
"Yo ma, stop callin'." Pretty funny.) So what can you do to protect
yourself if you're not one of these wily little crack heads? I have included
some tips to help you survive on opening night in L.A.:
1.
Look everyone straight in the eye including the popcorn vendors as you
speak. You must convey confidence and attitude so the thugs around you cannot
single you out as an easy target. " A large popcorn and large
Coke." will not suffice in these hard urban situations. You must adapt to
your environment no matter how uncomfortable you may feel. "Gimme that
muthafukkin' popcorn bitch, and top it wit some C to the O to the K to
the E."
2.
Wear a hoodie. You must sacrifice any fashion sense you may have and wear
something with a hood. I have no idea why, but just in case you want to wear it
over your head and hide your face you can. This will send the message to others
around you that you are hardcore and not to talk or look at you. In most normal
societies it would mean you're probably really ugly and/or a leper.
3.
Bring a gun. I know I know. A gun? Is that really necessary George? Yes it is.
I would not feel right if you went into the theater unprepared. If necessary
pop off a couple of rounds during the movie to show everyone that you have a
weapon and you are not afraid to shoot the ceiling.
4.
Bring your "I'm Actually A White Person." identification card.
This way when the riot police do show up after the movie ends to stop all of
the fights, you can whip out this card letting them know you have nothing to do
with the altercations taking place and that you are just trying to get home to
your 'crib' in Beverly Hills. The police will let you pass. Now if you are a
Latino or African-American and you are a good citizen, you will be harassed and
probably arrested even if you've done nothing. I'm sorry, but we cannot take
any chances with colored people. I'm pretty darn sure most of you are up to no
good.
Our 'Black in the Saddle' movie
this week is 8 Mile (a.k.a. Eight Mile or After Seven Mile or Before Nine Mile.
Depending on your geographical location) starring Eminem as a teenager named
Jimmy Smith Jr. also known as B. Rabbit or just Rabbit ( I know, I know.
This sentence is much longer than it should be, but the guy has more damn
nicknames in this film than a 20's gangster) living in urban Detroit
and trying to survive. His goal? To get up out this bitch and become a famous
rapper. Also starring Kim Basinger as Jimmy's alcoholic loser Mom who can't pay
the rent. Why Kim Basinger took this role I have no idea. I guess Alec Baldwin
must have hit her just a bit too hard...I am going to be sued for these reviews
one day. I just know it. 8 Mile was directed by Curtis Hanson who is most
credited for directing L.A. Confidential. So of course, everyone is saying how
great this film must be. I'm sorry but the guy also directed The Hand That
Rocks The Cradle. So take it for what you will.
8 Mile takes place in the 313. The end credits also let you know that this was
shot entirely in the 313. Now if you don't know what the 313 is, then you
are one ignorant fool. Detroit baby. 313 is the area code for Detroit. I myself
am 818 all the way, but even I don't compare to the 313. There is really no
beginning to 8 Mile, we are just kind of thrown in to the mix. 8 Mile
starts out with Phlegminem looking at himself in the mirror throwing
his hands around practicing his rappin' body language. Or he's epileptic. I
don't know. He's at a shelter where they hold rap battles. Contests were you
have 45 seconds to insult the other guy as good as you can all the while making
your insults rhyme. Wow. And I thought Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo had some
tough competition. Eminamy freezes up and the rest of the movie is spent with
his friends telling him he has to "battle" to take whatever title it
is they hold dear. I don't know. Heavyweight Battle Lippin Champeen or
something like that. Along the way Semenem meets Alex played by Brittany
Murphy. She's apparently the only white girl still in the 313 who hasn't been
raped or made up to be some pimp's ho. So of course, these two wacky kids have
to meet! There's a cast of characters as Eminem's friends but they really serve
no purpose to the story and as such, are not worth discussing. No one watched
Fat Albert for Rudy. Everyone watched it for Fat Albert. Me? I watched it for
Mushmouth. I remember when I was 10 years old, I had Mushmouth's lingo
down. So every time I walked up to a black person I would talk like Mushmouth.
"Howba areba yooba doobing?" They all cocked their heads to
the side and looked at me like I was an adorably handicapped
white boy. It was fun watching my father try to explain to these people that he
wasn't a racist and neither was his kid. If it's one thing I learned from my
father growing up, it's that when the opportunity strikes...you run like hell.
I wish there was more to tell you about 8 Mile but there really is no plot to
this movie and I have no idea what message it is trying to convey to its
audience. Is it about rapping? Is it about Emineminem's personal struggles to
become the MTV poster boy that he has become? Is it a love story? Is it about
how if you're white and growing up in Detroit, you must have colored friends as
a means to survival? Is it about believing in yourself? I have no idea. But
I did learn that if you throw your hands up in the air and wave 'em like you
just don't care during the middle of the movie, big black guys will smack you
in the back of your head. It was a painful lesson, but one I had to learn.
Every review you may have read about 8 Mile talks about one thing. Eminem's on
screen charisma. How he commands the screen. How his eyes are like Cary Grants.
Ok, for one thing, don't insult a great actor like Cary Grant by comparing
Eminem to him. The man is dead. Stop spitting on his grave. Another thing,
Eminem is the only guy in every single scene in this film! He of course
commands our attention because there is no one else to look at. As far as his
eyes go, he looked really baked throughout the whole thing. Not commanding, but
really, really stoned. He had the emotional range of a Llama. Never smiled,
never cried, never showed that this life is getting to him. He was Mister
Kool-Whip the whole time even when he was gettin beat down by the bruthas.
Cracka please. It was not an acting performance I would say is Oscar
worthy. Kim Basinger tries her best, but it feels like she never really got
into the role of a white trash mother. I mean, come on Kim. You were married to
Alec Baldwin for God's sake. No need to pretend that you're a broken down beat
up has-been!! Just act natural baby!
After ninety minutes 8 Mile takes us to the big rap battle at the end. The
point we all knew we'd be at since no one talks about anything else besides
"battlin' yo". The audience was really into this and clapped and
laughed and threw their 40's of O.E. in the air after Eminem would rap and
insult the other guy. Ya. Of course it's gonna be good insults. It's a movie.
They had months to write it and tons of takes to get it right. Not as improv as
it tries to make you believe. Once that whole mess is done, the movie is over
with and we are treated to another Eminem song as the end credits roll.
Everyone in the theater applauded. Of course, everyone in the theater was 15
years old, so I don't know if this was the thug's version of Star Wars or not,
but I didn't get it. 8 Mile had no beginning and no ending. We just watched the
middle. Okey dokey.
So is 8 Mile worth your time? I don't know it depends on if you're an Eminem
fan or not. If you are, you're going to like it despite the fact that it really
isn't about anything. If you're a casual listener to his music, you may want to
wait. If you're not sure who Eminem is, then turn on your radio. They play his
new single every 15 minutes. Me? I didn't care for it. I could have spent
my hour and a half writin' my rhymes yo. I just didn't get the whole point of 8
Mile. But that special appearance by Rosie as The Notorious F.A.T. was amusing!
My
Rating:
-
Full Price
-
Matinee
--- Wait For
Video/DVD
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Wait For Cable
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Wait For 8-2: Judgment Day