3000 Miles To Graceland

****DISCLAIMER****These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. After reading this disclaimer and deciding that you weren't satisfied with the entertainment value of said review, you have 30 days to bring your dissatisfaction back for a full refund with a valid receipt. Unsatisfied readers without a receipt will receive another review or a review of lesser value. Please see me if you have any questions to this policy so I can give you a swift kick in the ass.

Vegas movies rock! Anyone who knows me know I love movies that take place in Vegas. Here's my list of five movies that take place or had some scenes that were shot in the Land of Losers. Please note that this is not a top five list or anything wacky like that. Wait…yes it is.

5. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas: I've never actually seen this movie, nor do I know anything about it. But Viva Rock Vegas has kind of a cool ring to it. Maybe I should put the bottle of Jack down...

4. Casino: Bobbie D and Joe Pesci running amok in Vegas. The rumor is that there are over 400 F words spoken in the film. I lost count after 213.

3. Very Bad Things: Five guys in Vegas. One very hot stripper. One very good sex scene that ends in the stripper's death. One reason why I'm looking forward to going to Vegas again.

2. Leaving Las Vegas: Nicolas Cage goes to Vegas and drinks more alcohol than Jason Priestly, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. combined. He then gets a hooker to fall in love with him as he drinks himself to death. Ok, make that two reasons why I'm looking forward to going to Vegas...

1. Swingers: Double down on 11. You always double down!! Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau go on a quick Vegas trip and lose their money and meet a couple of Vegas babies. It's all about pulling a Fredo.

Our ' On your knees! ' movie this week is 3000 Miles To Graceland (a.k.a. Elvis Is Still Dead People!) starring Kevin Costner as bad man Murphy, Kurt Russell as Michael and Courtney Cockadoodledo as Cybil. Every movie must have a supporting cast and here they are: Christian 'Cocaine' Slater, Howie 'Go' Long, Bokeem 'Who?' Woodbine, David 'Can't Act' Arquette, Ice 'To The' -T, and Jon 'Loser' Lovitz. 3000 Miles starts off in Las Vegas during Elvis Convention week. Our team of baddies led by Costner dress up as Elvis impersonators and rob a casino. Action and hilarity ensue. Well, kind of...

The first thirty minutes of 3000 Miles is action, action, action. Kevin Costner plays a total a-hole and it's a nice change in characters for him. Personally I got tired of watching him dance with wildlife, deliver mail to people who look like they couldn't even spell mail, or play another political figure. The beginning starts off loud, fast, bloody, and violent. Just the way I like it. There's a little influence of Oliver Stone by the director and editors thrown in, because they must have been stoned out of their minds during the editing process. Not that it's bad, just don't sit too close to the screen like I did or your head will explode.

The problem with this picture is in the middle of the film. The story goes in a direction I hadn't hoped for and it tends to lose it's steam halfway through. You have to wait a while before the action kicks back in towards the inevitable shootout. Even though Costner was awesome, Kurt was Kurt and Courtney looked hot as hell, it didn't help the direction of the film, and that's the problem I had with it. And when I have a problem with a film, people die. Careers die, hopes die, everything dies. Hollywood will learn to please me, or the blood is on their hands.

Here's a couple of other things about the movie that bothered me. It doesn't stay in Vegas as long as I had hoped. Also the supporting cast is around as long as...well, just don't blink. The previews give you the indication that it's a strict Vegas movie but it ends up into a lame road trip. However, the music, action, and watching Costner be a complete prick helped to make up for it. Sure, I could tear it down, but this was such a guy movie that I wasn't bored at all. I would like to take a break from the review and talk about the careers of these actors and why they would appear in this movie.

Kevin Costner: Doesn't need a reason. The man is such a pimp that he can do whatever he wants. Anyone who disagrees with me need look no further than his 26 year old girlfriend. Costner's license plate on his car says 'POSTPIMP'. Believe dat.

Kurt Russell: Another Hollypimp. Though I do believe he should work on getting those movies that he did for Disney with monkeys as co-stars out of his head. His daughter is pretty close to monkey looking though, maybe that's why.

Courtney Coxontherox: I have no clue how this broad gets work, but her body was bangin' in this film! I can look past her obvious mental deficiency when she married David Arquette. But I still won't watch Friends.

Christian Slater: What happened to this guy? I've liked him for years and I'm sure he was excited to reunite with Kevin and talk about how lame Robin Hood was, but try to find some roles that keeps you on the screen longer than ten minutes!

Bokeem Woodbine: The NBA draft was over and Popeye's Chicken wasn't hiring. Besides, acting pays better.

David Arquette: I'm not going to waste my time talking about him.....

Jon Lovitz: How this man finds work is beyond me. I hear he eats dinner with Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, and Dan Akroyd and bitches about how he gets no respect. Rodney just sits back and laughs at him when Chevy spits sunflower seeds in his eye. How sad.

I did enjoy the movie and I'm going to buy the soundtrack as well. The music fit in with the action perfectly plus I need to learn another Elvis song besides Hound Dog. But guys, don't take the little lady to this one unless she likes guns, sex, violence, blood, Costner hitting women, explosions, and a drawn out plot. And if she likes those things, then please clone her for me.

My rating:

- Full Price
--- Matinee
- Wait For Video
- Wait For Cable
- Wait For Courtney's First Child Named CockaQuette.