2004 Oscars Special!

****DISCLAIMER**** This article is for entertainment purposes only. Said article is not intended to sway anybody’s choices or opinions in regards to its subject matter. It’s also not intended to smell like the feet of a ten year old Yugoslavian.

Hollywood needs awards. For the past 75 years, The Oscar is the staple of the Hollywood community. You get one, you’re a big deal. Or you disappear faster than Hillary Swank. So I guess it could just mean you command big money or you finally have something to stick on your fireplace mantle besides that stupid picture of you boating off of the Florida Keys. Here is the list of nominees and my prediction for who will win in the categories that people actually care about.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Johnny Depp - PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL: Hey, I like Johnny Depp, but him playing a drunk pirate who looks like he went overboard in bead class doesn’t mean he should be nominated in this category. Could be worse. It could have been Orlando Bloom.
Ben Kingsley - HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG: I’m old and I deserve an award. This is why you won’t win. You have a crappy attitude, mister.
Jude Law - COLD MOUNTAIN: Hold on, let me shake the Magic 8-Ball…Response? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Funny, I never saw that response before.
Bill Murray - LOST IN TRANSLATION: Chevy Chase bet me $20 that Bill won’t win. Oh, Chevy. You jealous, jealous man.
Sean Penn - MYSTIC RIVER: The only actor who wears the same cloths in every movie and plays the same person in every movie. So why should he be nominated? Oh ya, because he’s Sean Penn.

Prediction? Bill Murray. Gimme my $20 loser!

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Alec Baldwin - THE COOLER: He will not only growl at you, but he’ll come over and beat your wife if you don’t vote for him.
Benicio Del Toro - 21 GRAMS: I saw this movie! And it was boring! And I still can’t figure out how old this freakin’ guy really is!!
Djimon Hounsou - IN AMERICA: Never heard of him. But I’m sure he’s gay.
Tim Robbins - MYSTIC RIVER: Plays a troubled man with a fake Boston accent, a panache for overacting and a “Please like me.” hardened conviction in his deep, gorgeous eyes. Oops, I was talking about Ben Affleck for a second. Sorry.
Ken Watanabe - THE LAST SAMURAI: Ken Outaknowbetta than to think he’s gonna win this one.

Prediction? Benicio Del Toro. Because people like saying his name even though Robert Duvall should have been nominated.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Keisha Castle-Hughes - WHALE RIDER: Hi, I’m a little kid and I know I’m gonna win! Just like that Haley Joel…oh. So, life is harsh and reality does hit you harder than a Rosie bowel movement? Oh well. I’ll just go shopping.
Diane Keaton - SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE: This woman is so nuts she probably doesn’t even know that she’s been nominated.
Samantha Morton - IN AMERICA: An English actress. Oh, she’s so important and pretty! She’s so dignified! Huh? She was spotted having lunch with Diane Keaton? Well, never mind then.
Charlize Theron - MONSTER: I’m an actress now! I did it! I gave it my all! I’m now accepted! Oh, shut up whore.
Naomi Watts - 21 GRAMS: Great name. And a great rack gives the academy all the motivation they need to say, “Wait, who is she again?”

Prediction? Diane Keaton. Because the Oscars must have one winner who rambles on like a complete idiot. I’ll let you decide who that was during last year’s awards.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Shohreh Aghdashloo - HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG: Shoulda shortened that name to Sally Smith lady. Cuz no one wants to try and pronounce this one in front of the world.
Patricia Clarkson - PIECES OF APRIL: She was that chick in The Dead Pool! Right on!
Marcia Gay Harden - MYSTIC RIVER: I guess everyone in this overrated drama was nominated.
Holly Hunter - THIRTEEN: Hmm…the only one here who can play a role like she just got off the shrooms and still be convincing.
Renée Zellweger - COLD MOUNTAIN: What do you get when you mix one part baby fat, two parts makeup, and three parts plastic? Give up?

Prediction? Holly Hunter. Because I don’t know how she could have dealt with that little snot daughter of hers in that movie. I wanted to bang…choke! I mean choke her!!

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
BROTHER BEAR: Hi! We’re animators! We used to make really great animated movies! But now, we just want to make sure that our stockpile of crap from our boss comes to fruition before we’re beaten in the dungeons of the Burbank offices! Anagram of Eisner? I Sneer. I Sneer at everything, you pitiful mortals!!
FINDING NEMO: Beautifully animated. Great to look at. Overrated when it comes to previous Pixar efforts. But looking at its competition, it’s a no brainer.
THE TRIPLETS OF BELLEVILLE: Huh?

Prediction? Finding Nemo of course. And if Brother Bear wins, I will slaughter a live cow while downing Goldfish in front of PETA’s main office building.

BEST PICTURE
THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING: Don’t worry dorks. After getting the shaft the last two years, this should be a lock for Best Picture. If not, don’t worry. Just write about how mad you are on the Tolkien forum boards, where your voice is taken seriously by the Hollywood community.
LOST IN TRANSLATION: By far, my favorite film of last year which means it won’t win because Sean Penn wasn’t in it.
MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD: Did anybody see this movie? Is Costner that hated by Hollywood that it would give Open Range the shaft for this? Another Crowe movie? God, just kill me now.
MYSTIC RIVER: Wait, this wasn’t that good of a movie unless you’re 55 and it’s the only movie you’ve seen in the past six months. Why would it get nomina..oh yeah…Sean Penn.
SEABISCUIT: Thank God Seabiscuit was nominated. Because nothing spells heartbreaking emotional movie magic like a midget on a horse.

Prediction? This one is a tough one to call. But I’m pulling for Lost in Translation. I don’t know if three hours of watching Frodo and Gollum make eyes at each other constitutes an Oscar. But what do I know. I thought the movie Krull was cutting edge fantasy.

BEST DIRECTOR

CITY OF GOD(Fernando Meirelles): Had I actually seen this movie, I may be inclined to say yes. However, I hate his name. So it doesn’t matter if it was a good movie or not.
THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING(Peter Jackson): What this man did for dorks the world over will never be matched unless The Porn of the CockRings is released uncut on DVD.
LOST IN TRANSLATION(Sofia Coppola): I know you’re the only female candidate, but you’re up against a guy who directed people on horseback. ON HORSEBACK!! Had Murray run around Tokyo on a giant steed of truth, then you might have had a shot.

MYSTIC RIVER(Clint Eastwood): This man is above your stupid Oscar awards. And if you don’t give it to him, he will kill you all. As soon as his pills kick in, you’re a dead man.
MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD(Peter Weir): “Ok. The boat is a rocking back and forth. Give me more water! And splashes Russell! Make more splashes!! Lick the water off of Paul Bettany’s navel…and cut! Ok, let’s try that again, but this time, close your eyes, and try to ignore any surprise sticky water that might splash on your face.”

Prediction? Peter Jackson. The man gave the world over nine hours of entertainment in the last three years. Let’s give him something to reward his hard efforts. Let’s award him with a giant gold statue shaped like a penis. Welcome to your first Oscar, Peter.

So there you have it. My predictions for the winners of the 2004 Oscars. What will my track record be? Will I be correct? Will my knowledge of movies give me an edge over the Vegas odds? Will the losers cry? Who cares. As long as that pansy Justin Timberlake isn’t anywhere near the ceremony, then we’ll all end up as winners.