16 BLOCKS

 

Starring: Bruce Willis, Mos Def, David Morse

Written by Richard Wenk

Directed by Richard Donner

 

Rated PG-13 for Violence, Intense Sequences of Action, Some Strong Language, and Lots of Bruce Willisissness.

 

****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. And as soon as I figure out how to makes my reviews entertaining, that first sentence may one day make sense.

 

Most things in life are unplanned and unpredictable. However, there are some guarantees:

 

  • Bruce Willis will always play a cop or soldier.
  • Real men do not rustle their popcorn. If the guy next to you is rustling his popcorn during the movie, then punch him right in the pee-pee.
  • You are all my bitches.
  • James Blunt’s song “You’re Beautiful” gives hope to all guitar playing Hollywood hacks that you too can make a sappy, overrated piece of garbage.
  • I don’t care how many Oscar nominations she receives, Reese Witherspoon will always look like a cross between Sylvester Stallone and an Alaskan salmon.

 

Rolling out of the cabbage patch this week is 16 Blocks starring everyone’s favorite cop and soldier Bruce Willis as Jack Mosley. An aging, overweight down on his luck police officer who must get career criminal Eddie Bunker, played by Mos Def, to the courthouse on time to spill the beans on some dirty cops. The role of our bad guy is played by David Morse, an actor who has starred in numerous films yet I dare you to name one of them besides The Green Mile.

 

16 Blocks has a very simple plotline as mentioned above. Bruce has to escort Mos over a range of 16 blocks to the courthouse in a limited amount of time, all the while avoiding David and his band of cops who are trying to kill Mos because he’s an eyewitness to dirty cop dealings. But 16 Blocks also has a sweet, underlining message that everyone has the ability to change. This is hammered into our heads by Mos Def’s dream to stop breaking the law and wanting to move to Seattle to open up a bakery that specializes in birthday cakes. This is completely unrealistic because I’m not sure how he’d be able to fit a chicken or watermelon inside of a birthday cake, but then again, I never watch the Food Network so it may be possible. Bruce plays the role of Jack the same way he plays the role in all of his other cop movies, except this time he has a gimpy leg and a mustache that looks like he’s someone who downloads teenage porn. David Morse’s characterization of the dirty cop is about as straight edged as you can get. What bothered me the most was Mos Def. Normally an actor I enjoy watching perform on screen, he came across as really annoying with his goofy accent and mannerisms. I’m not sure if he was trying to play a Southern charmer or a retarded ex-McDonalds employee, but it really got on my nerves after a while. Hey Mos. Just stay black. You’ll make it easier on everyone. Especially dumb crackers like myself who won’t understand half of your lines when you try and be cute with your character. It may not be his fault though. I heard he thought he was appearing in a slave movie called 16 Blacks, but learned a valuable lesson after signing the contract that he shouldn’t take calls from his agent while high on cocaine.

 

Director Richard Donner, who lost his mind somewhere around Lethal Weapon 3, actually does a fine job with the paint by numbers script by keeping the action moving and making sure Bruce stops telling the production assistants about the time he got naked with Jane March. New York is always a fascinating place for a movie setting, and the audience gets to see how both big and small of a place it can be. I really enjoyed all of the side alleys, small business, and basements used as locations. Then again, those were probably all soundstages, so I may be giving him too much credit. The score is provided by German Composer Klaus Badelt who makes sure we all know when the action is being accelerated by cranking up the bass every ten seconds.

 

In regards to the action there’s a lot of it although it is nothing memorable. Bruce shoots at people and they shoot back. The biggest action sequence involves a standoff in a bus, which drug on longer than a consumer’s thought process about whether or not to buy Timeline on DVD, only to realize he can have more fun spending his money on a crack whore. The ‘people can change’ theme really dumbs down what could have been a gritty cop movie like Dark Blue, and the ending was so predictable and lame it made me want to go back to the time when Bruce did get naked with Jane March. At least in that movie we got to see some boobies.

 

Like Hostage, 16 Blocks will come and go without being a permanent staple in anyone’s favorite movie list. It’s a below average script with below average acting and below average action scenes. Then again, people seem to like below average things. At least the chicks do, otherwise I’d never get a date.

 

My Rating:

 

Full Price

Matinee

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